


i'm praying but don't see the signs (praying for you to be mine)

by SJAandDWfan



Series: fdau (aka dumbasses in love) [1]
Category: The Prom - Sklar/Beguelin/Martin
Genre: F/F, also they're in freshman year of college, alternatively titled: these dumbasses are in love but who's gonna tell them that?, and yet here i am writing a fake dating au how predictable is that, fake dating au, it's funny because in canon they're the opposite of a fake dating au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-05-07 10:17:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 41,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19207351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SJAandDWfan/pseuds/SJAandDWfan
Summary: Alyssa was struggling not to panic now, because Emma still wasn’t saying anything. Oh god, what had she been thinking? This was her first conversation with Emma, and she’d just asked her to be her fake girlfriend like some kind of idiot and—“Okay,” Emma said. “I’ll do it.”“What?”Emma shrugged. “I mean, why not? If it can help to improve your situation with your mother, then it’s definitely not a dumb idea.”orthe fake dating au





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> turns out i couldn't stay away from writing for that long...
> 
> right off the bat i can tell you that this fic is not going to be as long as cowgirl au (i can't go through that again so soon) but i don't know how many chapters/what the final word count is going to be. i just wanted to get this chapter out to see if people would be into this. i'll write it anyway because i'm in love with the idea but it would be awesome to know if this is something you're interested in!
> 
> title from "what's it gonna be?" by shura

“But are you really sure about this whole _lesbian_ thing? I mean, you don’t even have a… a girlfriend.”

The words had been ringing in Alyssa’s ears for weeks, ever since she’d finally gotten the courage to come out to her mother only to hear that in response. Her mom hadn’t freaked out as much as Alyssa had expected her to; she’d seemed disappointed and scared rather than shocked, but she’d asked that specific question almost hopefully. It had been like, if Alyssa wasn’t sure she was a lesbian, then there might still be a chance that she’d end up with a man.

For the record, Alyssa was _very_ sure about the whole lesbian thing.

So what if she’d never had a girlfriend? If she’d never kissed a girl? Alyssa knew herself well enough to realize that she’d never end up with a guy, nor would she want to. It just wasn’t her, as much as her mother would like to believe it.

It irritated her, that she supposedly needed to have a girlfriend in order for her mom to take her seriously. It had been impossible to date in Indiana, thanks to the general smell of homophobia in the air – one of the reasons Alyssa had stayed firmly in the closet from the age of fifteen until she’d graduated high school. Almost three years of knowing she was gay, and she hadn’t told a single soul, until her mother.

She hadn’t been expecting a great reaction, but she had at least expected her mom to _believe_ her.

Now, moved into her little dorm room at college with a roommate she already didn’t particularly like and way too many different classes to stay on top of, Alyssa felt angrier about it than ever. Maybe it was the frustration building over time, or maybe it was her roommate keeping her up half the night talking on the phone to her long-distance boyfriend, but Alyssa found herself almost growling under her breath as she slammed her tray down onto the cafeteria table at breakfast.

She’d been so caught up in her own thoughts that she hadn’t registered that the table was already occupied. There was a girl with messy blonde curls cropped to chin-level, glasses, and a faded blue flannel shirt, sitting opposite where Alyssa was stood and looking up at her in mild alarm. Something about her looked sort of familiar.

“Sorry,” Alyssa said automatically. “I’ll find somewhere else to go.”

She went to pick up her tray again, but the girl quickly shook her head. “It’s okay. Sit?”

“Are you sure?” Alyssa asked. When the girl nodded, she offered her a brief smile and sank down onto the bench. The cafeteria was subdued around them; college students awake earlier than they wanted to be and trying to shovel some food in their mouths before class, completely indifferent to the noise Alyssa’s tray had made as it hit the table.

“Bad day already?” the girl asked, bringing Alyssa back out of her thoughts.

“Bad few weeks, I guess,” she replied, poking with her fork at the scrambled eggs on her plate.

“College not how you thought it would be?”

“It’s not that exactly,” Alyssa said. “I mean, my roommate kind of sucks so far and I’m already behind in at least two of my classes, but this has all been going on since before the semester started.”

The girl frowned in sympathy. “What’s wrong?”

Alyssa looked at her in surprise, taken aback that she cared enough to ask. She was already convinced that she’d been oversharing.

“Sorry,” the girl continued hurriedly. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I don’t know why I asked, just forget I said anything.”

She was blushing slightly, and Alyssa suddenly realized why she looked familiar.

“It’s just…” the girl kept talking, faster and faster the more nervous she got. “Sometimes it’s easier to tell a stranger your problems than a friend, but you definitely aren’t obligated to—"

“It’s fine,” Alyssa cut her off gently. “I think it’s sweet that you’d let me vent. And, well, we may be strangers, but I do actually know who you are. Sort of, anyway.”

“What?” the girl blinked a few times, and Alyssa noticed that her eyes were almost a hazel color behind the lenses of her glasses. “How?”

“I saw you play at an open mic night last week,” Alyssa explained. “You were really good.”

“Oh,” the girl said, ducking her head. “Yeah, that. Thank you.”

“I’m Alyssa, by the way.”

“Emma,” the girl replied. “Is me. My name, I mean. I’m Emma. Oh my god.”

Alyssa bit her lip to stop herself from laughing, surprised at how quickly her spirits had been lifted. “Nice to officially meet you, Emma.”

“You too,” Emma smiled warmly at her, cheeks still flushed pink. It was a good look on her, Alyssa thought. “So… if you want to vent, I’m all ears.”

“Oh, right,” Alyssa said, remembering how annoyed she’d been up until a minute ago. “It’s just my mother being a bit of a nightmare, is all.”

Emma pulled a face. “Now that’s something I know a lot about.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I love her,” Alyssa said hurriedly. “And she could’ve been a lot worse about the whole… situation. But she’s just being so frustrating and I don’t know how to make her see things from my perspective.”

“Situation?”

Alyssa regarded Emma thoughtfully. Surely nobody could be harder to come out to than her mom. And hadn’t she come to college far away from Indiana so that she didn’t have to hide her sexuality anymore? She didn’t think Emma would react badly, but even if she did, Alyssa never had to see her again if she didn’t want to.

“A few weeks ago I told her that I’m a lesbian, and she doesn’t really believe me because I don’t have a girlfriend to prove it or some shit like that,” Alyssa said, feeling a bit of a rush at coming out to someone else; someone she didn’t even really know.

Emma opened her mouth and then closed it again. “I—you’re a lesbian?”

Alyssa nodded, arching an eyebrow to try and hide the twinge of anxiety. “Yeah. Why, do I not look gay or something?”

“No, it’s not that, it’s just—” Emma cut herself off, blushing even harder for some reason. “Doesn’t matter. Um, that’s really shitty of her, though. She should just take your word for it.”

“Right? It’s not my fault that everyone in my town was a homophobe, which made it pretty hard to find a girlfriend,” Alyssa sighed. “Still, she could’ve reacted worse. Honestly, part of me was definitely expecting her to, like, kick me out or something.”

“Yeah, that’s something I wouldn’t recommend,” Emma smiled ruefully. “It… kinda sucks.”

Alyssa’s stomach plummeted. “I—I’m so sorry, I didn’t know…”

“It’s fine, honestly,” Emma shrugged. “There was no way you could’ve known.”

“Still,” Alyssa said.

“They _really_ weren’t cool with the whole ‘lesbian daughter’ thing,” Emma explained. “But my grandma took me in and she’s kind of amazing.”

Alyssa’s brain short-circuited. Emma was gay, too. She had wondered, but she hadn’t wanted to assume, in case she was just an art student or something. But she was a lesbian, and suddenly Alyssa tried to push down her earlier thoughts about Emma’s blush being cute.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to dump that all on you,” Emma said, and Alyssa realized that she’d been silent for a while.

“It’s okay, I was just thinking,” she said.

“About what?”

Alyssa sucked in a breath as an idea – which had been brewing, unnoticed – finally struck her. It was a weird idea, sure, but it might actually work. If it did, then her mom wouldn’t have a leg to stand on; she’d simply have to confront the reality of the situation. She just hoped that she wouldn’t completely freak Emma out by pitching it to her.

“Okay, so this is literally insane, and please run away from me if you want to,” Alyssa began. “But will you pretend to be my girlfriend? Just so my mother has the supposed proof she needs to believe me.”

Emma’s eyebrows shot up and her mouth hung open. Alyssa hastily tried to explain further.

“It would just be a few pictures on Instagram, and a Facebook confirmation thing, you wouldn’t have to meet her or anything,” she said. “You don’t have to, of course. In fact, this was probably a dumb idea and you should just forget I ever said anything.”

Alyssa was struggling not to panic now, because Emma still wasn’t saying anything. Oh god, what had she been thinking? This was her first conversation with Emma, and she’d just asked her to be her fake girlfriend like some kind of _idiot_ and—

“Okay,” Emma said. “I’ll do it.”

“What?”

Emma shrugged. “I mean, why not? If it can help to improve your situation with your mother, then it’s definitely not a dumb idea.”

“I could be a serial killer,” Alyssa said, still dumbfounded that Emma had actually agreed to this.

“Are you?” Emma asked. “And for the record, so could I, for all you know.”

“I’m not, I promise,” Alyssa confirmed. “And I don’t think you could hurt a fly.”

Emma snorted. “Or maybe that’s what I want you to think.”

“Touché,” Alyssa said with a smile. “Okay. Emma, are you a serial killer?”

“No,” Emma said. “Promise.”

“Okay, good,” Alyssa said, holding out her hand. “Give me your phone?”

Emma handed it over, and Alyssa put her number in Emma’s phone, adding herself on Facebook and Instagram while she was at it. She glanced up to see Emma watching her with interest, and she tried not to let herself get flustered. This was weird, this was _so_ weird. Once she was done, she handed Emma’s phone back to her, unsure of where they should go from here.

“I’ll text you later?” Emma suggested. “So we can make a plan and stuff.”

“Yeah, good idea,” Alyssa said, distracted by the little smile playing across Emma’s lips. She had a feeling that it definitely wouldn’t be that much of a challenge pretending to be attracted to her. “Thank you, by the way.”

“It’s no trouble, really,” Emma said. “Lesbian solidarity, and all that.”

Alyssa laughed, all traces of her earlier bad mood completely gone. She made a mental note to try and befriend Emma for real, because anyone who could cheer her up that much in one conversation was someone she wanted to get to know.

Emma glanced down at her phone and groaned. “I have to get to class.”

“Oh _shit_ ,” Alyssa said, looking at her own phone. “Me too. Fuck.”

She surveyed her breakfast, almost untouched and definitely cold by now. It seemed like she’d be grabbing food from the on-campus convenience store after class instead. It was probably for the best; she didn’t always trust the food in the cafeteria. Standing and picking up her tray, Alyssa spared Emma one last grateful smile before dashing away. Her mind was on complete overdrive now, trying to process all that had happened. She just hoped that this plan of hers would actually work; she’d hate to waste Emma’s time if it didn’t. Maybe she should get her a little gift or something to say thank you. Would that be weird? Alyssa wasn’t sure what the guidelines for fake girlfriends were.

One thing was for sure, though. She’d have to learn.

 

* * *

 

Emma stared at her phone screen, chewing her bottom lip thoughtfully as she tried to figure out exactly what she should put in her text to Alyssa. She’d never had a real girlfriend, let alone a fake one, so she was completely in the dark about how this was supposed to go. She wondered if she should have declined Alyssa’s request; she was clearly going to be far too awkward to be a convincing pretend girlfriend.

No, it would be fine. Alyssa had said that Emma wouldn’t have to meet her mom or anything, and they could just keep taking pictures together until they got it right. Speaking of, they should probably hang out to actually take the pictures, and maybe to get to know each other a little better. It was strange how comfortable she felt talking to Alyssa already, though. Emma didn’t usually tell people about the whole issue with her parents kicking her out, but she hadn’t even hesitated to share it with Alyssa.

_hey, it’s emma._

She paused. It was a good start, but she should probably add something to it, so that the text had an actual purpose. God, she was already overthinking this way too much. She kept typing.

_i don’t know whether you want to come up with a plan over text or in person but either works for me!_

Was the exclamation point too enthusiastic? Maybe it was, but as Emma went to backspace, her phone slipped in her grip and the next thing she knew, the text had been sent. She just stared at her screen in mild alarm for a moment before letting it fall onto her bed beside her.

She didn’t have to wait that long for a reply. The notification sound spiked Emma’s heart rate, although she wasn’t really sure why. She picked up her phone and read the preview message on the lockscreen.

_Hey! I don’t really mind, either, but it might be a good idea to actually meet up and talk about it just to make sure we’re completely on the same page about everything._

Emma unlocked her phone, opening up their text thread and typing out a reply.

_sure thing, does tomorrow work okay for you?_

The reply came even quicker this time.

_Yeah, tomorrow would be great! Coffee shop by the Psych building at 2?_

Emma made a mental note to find out where the Psych building was.

_works for me :)_

She hit send, hoping that she was coming across okay. Honestly, she didn’t know why Alyssa had asked _her_ specifically to be her fake girlfriend when she could’ve asked anyone. Maybe it was because she looked like what every conservative mother pictured an eighteen year old lesbian to be. Maybe it was because Alyssa had felt as strangely comfortable talking to Emma as Emma had felt talking to her. Or perhaps it was a healthy mixture of both.

Either way, it would be nice to potentially make a friend here. Her roommate was practically a ghost, and the people in her classes were mildly interesting at best. Alyssa seemed different from everyone she’d met at college so far, more real, and Emma found herself looking forward to seeing her again.

 

Hoping that she was at the correct coffee shop – there were a few scattered around campus – Emma checked her phone for what felt like the millionth time. It was only 2:05, and she’d admittedly arrived about ten minutes early, but the doubt still started to creep in, especially from the lack of texts.

Emma was about to type out a message when hurried footsteps and loud chatter caught her attention. She raised her head to see Alyssa running towards her, pushing through a sea of people who had just come out of the Psych building. An involuntary smile crept onto Emma’s face as she watched Alyssa glare at a dude who cut in front of the path she’d just cleared.

She slipped her phone back into her pocket as Alyssa approached, just a little out of breath and with a bright smile on her face. She had a really pretty smile, Emma thought suddenly.

“Sorry, class ran over a bit,” Alyssa said apologetically. “Hope I didn’t keep you too long.”

“It’s okay,” Emma said. “I just got here.”

Alyssa pushed some of her curly hair back out of her eyes, opening the door to the coffee shop and letting Emma go through first. They shuffled up to the counter and, much to Emma’s surprise, Alyssa insisted on paying for Emma’s hot chocolate.

“This is my crazy idea,” she explained. “The least I can do is get your drink.”

She’d only known her for a day, but Emma thought that Alyssa could well be the most effortlessly charming person she’d ever met, like she wasn’t even trying to improve Emma’s day even though that was definitely what she was doing. Emma thanked her quietly as they found a table in the corner to sit at.

“So,” Alyssa started. “Thank you for going along with this. I don’t think I actually thanked you yesterday.”

“You did,” Emma reassured her. “I have to warn you, though, I’ve never actually been in a relationship before, so I really don’t know what I’m doing.”

“Me neither,” Alyssa admitted. “If you don’t count supposed dates with a gay guy which included one extremely awkward kiss.”

“What?”

“I was fifteen and wasn’t sure if I was gay or not,” she said. “This guy, Greg, asked me out. Turns out he was trying to cover up that he was gay, but his friends wouldn’t leave us alone until we kissed. We were scared of being found out, so we did, but neither of us liked it. That’s when I started coming to terms with being a lesbian.”

“Wow,” Emma said. “I’m sorry his friends did that to you both, that sounds awful.”

“It was a while ago,” Alyssa shrugged. “But, uh, being in Indiana meant that there was a lack of girls like me.”

“I know what you mean,” Emma said. “I actually lived in Indiana with my parents, but when they kicked me out I moved to Ohio with my grandma. Which may have been an even worse place.”

Alyssa winced. “It’s refreshing being somewhere like here, right?”

“Totally,” Emma said. She paused. “So, uh, I’ve been thinking about this plan a little, and we should probably come up with a backstory or something.”

Alyssa nodded at her, taking a sip of her tea. “My mom is going to ask me so many questions, I can already tell, so it’ll be good to get our story straight now.”

Emma snorted a little at her choice of words.

“Shut up,” Alyssa said with a grin, a dimple appearing in her left cheek. “You know what I mean.”

“Okay, okay,” Emma tried her best to refrain from laughing. “So, how did we meet?”

“Hmm,” Alyssa pursed her lips in thought, Emma’s eyes following the movement without thinking. “How about I still saw you at the open mic, but we say it was in the first week of the semester?”

“You watched me play and fell head over heels instantly,” Emma continued, smiling at Alyssa’s playful glare. “I saw you staring helplessly and asked you out, and the rest is history.”

“Please, I totally asked you out,” Alyssa said.

Emma raised her eyebrows. “Bet?”

“I’ll accept you asking me out first if I was the one who asked you to be my girlfriend,” Alyssa said.

“I guess that’s a fair compromise,” Emma said slowly. “After all, you did ask me to be your fake girlfriend.”

“Exactly.” Alyssa looked smug.

“Okay, so we dated for a few weeks before becoming official,” Emma said, feeling like she should be taking notes. “That works.”

Alyssa nodded. “Cool. So that’s the essentials sorted, now we just need to take some pictures and make the announcement, I guess.”

“Sure,” Emma said, her stomach flipping weirdly. She glanced around the coffee shop, taking a sip of her drink. “Do you maybe want to go for a walk around campus and take the pictures there, or…”

“Sounds good,” Alyssa said. “But first, I wanna take a picture for the road.”

The next thing Emma knew, Alyssa had snapped a picture of her as she lowered her cup. “That’s not fair, you caught me off guard.”

“But it’s candid,” Alyssa said. “Can I put it on my Instagram story? You know, to help sell it.”

“Go for it,” Emma said with a shrug. A few moments later, the notification came through.

_alyssa_greene mentioned you in their story_

Emma clicked on it, seeing her own surprised face glancing back at her on the screen. Alyssa had tagged her in cursive font, adding a heart emoji next to her face. It was actually really cute, or it would have been had Emma not noticed something about the picture.

“Alyssa, I have whipped cream on my nose,” she complained, glaring down at her hot chocolate and wiping her face clean.

“It’s endearing,” Alyssa said, tilting her head to the side.

“If you say so,” Emma grumbled, pushing her chair back as the two of them stood. “Let’s go and take some not-horrible and embarrassing photos, shall we?”

“It’s not that bad, you’re just being dramatic,” Alyssa laughed.

“Welcome to the perks of fake-dating me,” Emma said, holding the door open for Alyssa as they stepped back outside.

The two of them ended up finding a bench to sit on, not too far from the dorm building they both stayed in. They took a few pictures on Alyssa’s phone, both smiling at the camera – Emma trying her best not to be awkward, and probably failing. She’d just about gotten the hang of it, looking intently but not _too_ intently at the camera, when she felt soft lips pressing lightly against her cheek.

Her heart rate skyrocketed instantly, because Alyssa was kissing her on the cheek and she didn’t know what to do. Alyssa only lingered for a moment, and then she was pulling away from Emma with an apologetic look on her face.

“I’m so sorry, I should’ve asked if that was okay,” she said sincerely.

“I’m—it’s fine,” Emma said, clearing her throat. “Did you… did you get the picture you wanted?”

“Yeah,” Alyssa said, holding her phone out so Emma could see the last picture she’d taken.

Alyssa had her eyes closed, pressing a kiss to Emma’s cheek, the tip of her nose brushing her pale skin. Emma herself looked pleasantly surprised by the action, the barest hint of a smile pulling at her lips. She had to admit, it was an adorable photo.

And, what’s more, it looked convincing.

“Wow,” Emma breathed, before catching herself and clearing her throat. “Yeah, that’ll work for sure.”

“I’ll post it later,” Alyssa said. “And we can do the Facebook thing then, too, if you’re still cool with that?”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Emma said, just now fully regaining her bearings – although she could almost still feel Alyssa’s lips on her skin.

Alyssa smiled at her again, and Emma found that it was quickly becoming one of her new favorite things. Needing something to distract her, she fished her own phone out of her pocket and took a quick picture of Alyssa. To her slight frustration, the candid shot of her came out looking perfect, which Emma didn’t think was fair considering how the candid picture of  _her_ had looked.

“I’ll think of some sappy caption to post this with in a bit,” she said. She put her phone away again, meeting Alyssa’s dark brown eyes. Her eyelashes were really long, even without make up. Emma wondered how she hadn’t noticed that before.

“Okay, I guess Operation: Fake Girlfriend is officially a go,” Alyssa said, taking a deep breath. “This isn’t too insane, right?”

“Well, it’s definitely a little insane,” Emma conceded. “But I’m happy to go along with it if you are.”

Alyssa nodded thoughtfully at her. “We should probably—I’ve taken up enough of your time today, I’m sorry.”

“I don’t mind,” Emma said quickly. “I mean, I don’t really hang out with anyone here, so it was nice.”

“It was,” Alyssa agreed, the corners of her lips quirking up. “Maybe… we can hang out again?”

“Yeah, I’d—I’d like that,” Emma said. She suddenly felt the need to justify it. “Gotta keep the insta stories going, after all.”

Just for a split-second, Emma thought she saw a flicker of disappointment cross Alyssa’s face, but it was gone instantly. Maybe she had imagined it, because now Alyssa was smiling brightly at her once again.

“Is tomorrow okay for you?” Alyssa asked. “We could grab some food, or go see a movie, or whatever works.”

“Yeah, as long as it’s after five,” Emma said, mentally going through her class schedule.

“Okay,” Alyssa said softly, fiddling with the strap of her backpack as she stood up from the bench. “Um, I should probably start work on this assignment I have to do. But we’ll make the announcement later.”

“Cool,” Emma said, not quite sure why the thought of going public with Alyssa – even if it wasn’t real – put butterflies in her stomach. They still barely knew each other, after all.

“Thank you for agreeing to this,” Alyssa said again. “It means a lot that you’d help me convince her.”

“Of course,” Emma said. “Like I said, if this fake relationship can make things better for you, and for your relationship with your mom, it’s worth a try, right?”

“Right,” Alyssa said. “Okay, great, so I’ll see you tomorrow?”

She sounded hopeful, and Emma felt a smile tugging at her lips that she couldn’t even begin to hide. “See you tomorrow.”

 

* * *

 

Later that day, after she’d managed to get a solid third of her assignment done despite her roommate’s long phone call in the background, Alyssa opened Instagram on her phone. She selected the picture of her and Emma she’d taken earlier – the one where, for some reason, she’d suddenly been overwhelmed with the urge to kiss Emma’s cheek – and chewed her bottom lip as she thought over what to put as a caption.

It took her about ten minutes to settle on what to write, and then she tagged Emma in the picture and uploaded it before she could chicken out. Her feed refreshed with her latest post at the top, and Alyssa was struck by how genuinely sweet the photo was. Emma looked a little surprised, but happy at the same time, looking at the camera with just a trace of the awkwardness that Alyssa was starting to think was part of her natural charm. Alyssa herself looked beyond content, eyes closed and lips gently brushing the soft skin of Emma’s face. Even looking at the picture now made Alyssa smile involuntarily.

It should definitely be enough to convince her mother, at least. And, hopefully, so would the caption.

_Currently the happiest person on the planet, because she said she’d be mine._

Closing the Instagram app before she could get too nervous about the responses that would come, she opened Facebook instead and – a few minutes later – it was official on there, too. Notification banners covered the top of her phone screen, but she ignored them all for now as she tried to focus on her breathing. This couldn’t get to be too overwhelming; not this quickly.

The moment passed, and her breath came easier once more.

Finally feeling like she could start addressing the notifications that had been pouring in, Alyssa first checked her text messages. Nothing from her mother yet, but there were a few messages from high school friends. Alyssa started shaking a little as the realization that she had just come out publicly started to fully settle in.

**Kaylee**

_wait ur gay???_

**Shelbs**

_Just saw your insta, congrats. Also, I totally called it x_

**Kevin**

_!!!_

Alyssa let out a trembling breath. She didn’t really feel up to replying to any of those right now, so she exited the Messages app and went back to Instagram. Already, her post had over forty likes on it, and quite a few comments. She spotted one from Greg, who had just commented a bunch of heart emojis that formed a rainbow. It brought a smile to her face. So far, there was nothing blatantly homophobic, although it seemed like a lot of people were kind of shocked by her revelation.

Given that Alyssa had worked so hard to hide herself until the end of the summer, she didn’t exactly begrudge everyone being taken aback. Still, there was one more reaction that she was waiting on – and as if she’d been able to hear Alyssa’s thoughts, her phone lit up with an incoming call from her mother.

Alyssa gulped, steeling herself before she answered it. “Hello?”

“Alyssa,” her mom started. “I… I’ve just seen your news. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It wasn’t official until today,” Alyssa said quickly. “I didn’t want to jinx it, or think that things were more serious than they were.”

“Are they?” Mrs Greene asked. “Serious, I mean.”

“I—I think so,” Alyssa said. “I really like her, mom.”

“I just… this all came out of nowhere, is all,” her mother said with a sigh. Alyssa clenched her fist around her bed sheet. “Surely you should be focusing on your assignments.”

“I can keep up with my work and have a girlfriend at the same time,” Alyssa said tiredly. “It doesn’t have to be one or the other.”

“Well, just make sure she’s not distracting you too much,” her mother said warningly.

Alyssa rolled her eyes, grateful that her mom couldn’t see her. “I will.”

“And always remember to say no,” Mrs Greene continued. “To alcohol, and to drugs, and to sex—"

“ _Mom_ ,” Alyssa hissed. “It’s not—I can’t even begin to explain—I’m just going to hang up now.”

“Don’t you—”

Alyssa hung up. God, that was more of an ordeal than it should have been. She tossed her phone down, sighing heavily. The sound of someone clearing their throat almost made her jump out of her skin, and she remembered that she wasn’t the only person in the room.

“So,” her roommate, Gwen, started. Clearly, she’d ended her call at some point, although Alyssa didn’t know when. “Parent troubles?”

“Yeah,” Alyssa murmured.

“She doesn’t like your girlfriend?” Gwen asked, the word ‘girlfriend’ rolling off her tongue without hesitation.

“She was just a bit shocked, I think,” Alyssa said. “Even though she already knew about the whole lesbian thing.”

“Parents,” Gwen shrugged. “Mine still don’t like James, and they don’t even have to get over their homophobia.”

“Why don’t they like him?” Alyssa asked, dimly registering that this was probably the most words she’d exchanged with her roommate since moving in.

“Well, they’re also racist,” Gwen told her. “So I’m thinking that might have something to do with it.”

“Oh,” Alyssa said. “They… really wouldn’t like me, then?”

Gwen grimaced. “I sincerely apologise in advance if you ever have to meet them. I’ll give you a heads-up if they’re ever planning on visiting, especially if you and…”

“Emma,” Alyssa supplied when Gwen trailed off, clearly realizing she didn’t know the name of Alyssa’s so-called girlfriend.

“If you and Emma are hanging out in here,” Gwen finished.

“Thank you,” Alyssa said, and she meant it. She’d had no idea how refreshing it would be to experience such a non-reaction about her sexuality until now, and it was kind of amazing. Maybe she’d been a little quick to judge her roommate, she conceded.

Her phone was still lighting up with notifications, but one in particular caught her eye.

_emma.nolan tagged you in a post_

Alyssa opened Instagram again, immediately seeing the picture of her that Emma had taken. She was looking past the camera to where Emma was, a goofy smile on her face. She looked unbelievably happy. Alyssa double-tapped the post to like it, biting her lip to stop herself from laughing as she read Emma’s caption.

_took her long enough to ask me to be her gf but she’s cute so i’ll let it slide_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 2 right out of the gates wow! thank you for all your amazing responses to the first chapter, i loved reading all of your comments and they really do help with my motivation!
> 
> due to a trip/moving house as soon as i come back, i won't be able to write again for another couple of weeks so i'm not entirely sure when chapter 3 will come out, but i wanted to get chapter 2 up before i leave tomorrow! i made it extra gay to help with the wait :))
> 
> enjoy!

It was when Emma woke up and read the comments on both her and Alyssa’s Instagram posts that she realized that, for all their planning, they had seriously overlooked one important detail in this whole ‘fake dating’ idea.

It wasn’t just Alyssa’s mother that they had convinced.

It wasn’t like them dating was going to be considered hot gossip on campus, per se, but people had definitely been taken in by it, if the number of likes was any indication. There were over seventy likes on Emma’s post – more than double what her posts usually got – and Alyssa’s post of the two of them together had even more. It was a little overwhelming.

She met up with Alyssa for dinner in a modest diner off-campus, not quite believing that it had only been two days since they’d first properly met. She felt like she’d known Alyssa for a lot longer than that. Nobody really looked at them – most of the people there were complete strangers, after all – but Emma still kept her voice down as she leaned over the table to catch up with Alyssa.

“Remind me why we didn’t take into account the potential consequences of coming out publicly, like, on the internet?”

Alyssa grimaced. “Clearly, we’re both idiots.”

“I got so many new followers,” Emma said. “I think most of them are your friends.”

“Sorry,” Alyssa said. “I get it if this is too much. It’s not what you signed up for.”

“It’s fine,” Emma said reassuringly. She needed Alyssa to know that she was cool with this, even if it was more than she had been expecting.

“Really?” Alyssa regarded her curiously.

Emma nodded. “Really. Besides, your mom followed me, no doubt to keep tabs on us both. Step one worked.”

“Yeah, I guess it did,” Alyssa said with a small smile. “She called me last night.”

“Oh? How did she take it?” Emma asked, taking a sip of her drink.

“It… could have gone worse,” Alyssa said, puffing her cheeks out. “She thinks I need to focus on my studies more than dating, but I think it’s just her way of showing she cares. Maybe.”

“She thinks I’m a bad influence, doesn’t she?” Emma asked with a grin.

“Possibly,” Alyssa laughed. “Don’t worry, though, I defended our relationship to her.”

Emma bit her lip, fighting down the blush she knew was coming. It wasn’t real, so why had that simple sentence gotten to her so much? Maybe it was because, even though it was fake, this was the closest Emma had come to a relationship. Maybe she was getting the same warm feeling she would be getting if she actually had a girlfriend who had defended her to their mother. It was a really nice feeling.

“My hero,” she replied, watching as Alyssa’s smile grew wide enough to make her dimple appear.

The rest of dinner flew by, and it almost felt to Emma as if she and Alyssa had been friends for years, who had been kept apart but who were now finding their way back to each other and learning all the new things that had been going on in each other’s lives. It was an incredible feeling. She remembered at one point to snap a picture of Alyssa across the table and put it on her story; that’s what they were meant to be doing, after all. She got a little distracted staring at the photo – Alyssa was looking just past the camera with a soft expression on her face, chin resting on her hands as she propped her elbows on the table. She really was an incredible actress, Emma thought.

“So,” Alyssa said. “I guess we’re just going to have to keep up the charade in front of everyone.”

“I guess we are,” Emma said, ignoring the fluttering in her stomach. “We can do this, right?”

Alyssa nodded determinedly. “How hard could it be? We take some pictures, hold hands around campus, hang out more often…”

“Easy,” Emma said, fishing some bills out of her wallet once the check arrived. Alyssa tried to protest, but Emma waved her off. “You got our drinks yesterday. I got this.”

“But dinner costs more than drinks,” Alyssa pointed out.

“I’m just being a good girlfriend,” Emma said.

“Then at least let me leave the tip,” Alyssa relented, shaking her head almost fondly. “And I’ll pay next time.”

Next time.

It shouldn’t have affected her the way it did, but just realizing that there would indeed be a next time that they did this brought an involuntary smile to Emma’s face. “Deal.”

They got up to leave after they’d paid, Emma wrapping her jacket a little more securely around her shoulders as they left the diner and the cool evening air hit them. September in California was nowhere near as cold as Indiana or Ohio, but Emma still felt the chill very easily; always had done. Alyssa knocked their arms together as they walked back to the campus, almost like she was teasing her for it. As soon as they reached the campus again, Alyssa slipped her hand into Emma’s. Surprised, Emma glanced down at their joined hands before looking up to meet her eyes.

“In case someone sees us,” Alyssa said, by way of explanation, and Emma remembered that she’d mentioned holding hands around campus only a short while ago. “Is… is this okay?”

She loosened her grip on Emma’s hand, almost like she was going to pull away, and Emma felt a sudden flash of panic at the potential loss. She squeezed Alyssa’s hand, nodding fervently at her as she readjusted so that their fingers were interlaced.

“Yeah,” she said. “It’s more than okay.”

“Okay,” Alyssa said, breathing a sigh of relief. “While we’re on the subject, though, we should probably talk about boundaries and stuff. You know, now that this is getting more elaborate than we initially planned.”

“Good idea,” Emma said, still not quite over how warm and soft Alyssa’s hand felt, and how startlingly well it fit with her own. “Especially because I really don’t want you to be put in another situation like you and that Greg guy were in high school.”

“Well, I’d much rather kiss you than Greg,” Alyssa said absentmindedly. Emma watched the moment her eyes went wide upon realizing what she’d just said. “I mean, me being a lesbian and you being a girl and him being a boy, just by definition I…”

She trailed off, closing her eyes for a long moment and taking a deep breath. It was kind of adorable, even if Emma herself was still getting over the shock of what she’d said. Now, all she could think about was what it would be like to kiss Alyssa. She wondered if her lips were as soft as how they’d felt against her cheek. If they were really as soft as they looked.

Not that she’d been looking.

“What I meant,” Alyssa tried again, “is that I wouldn’t be opposed to kissing, if that’s what it took to sell it. But I wouldn’t even think about doing it unless you were comfortable with it.”

“I feel the exact same,” Emma said. “I guess… consider this as me giving you permission to kiss me if you need to.”

“Me too,” Alyssa said. “Okay, good, I’m glad we… I’m glad we talked about that. Oh, is it okay for me to hug you?”

“Of course,” Emma said immediately. “Besides, friends hug.”

“We’re friends?” Alyssa asked quietly.

Emma squeezed her hand again. “Yeah. I mean, I’d like to be your friend.”

Alyssa smiled brightly at her. “I can’t believe I’ve gained a pretend girlfriend and a real friend all in one.”

“It’s not an everyday occurrence,” Emma agreed.

“You’re kind of amazing, do you know that?” Alyssa carried on. “Most other people would have called it quits by now, but not you.”

“I mean, waking up and seeing all the comments and stuff was a little overwhelming,” Emma admitted. “But not necessarily in a bad way, you know? Besides, I’m already out. You weren’t, so I guess part of me just didn’t want you to go through this alone.”

Her voice had lowered to a mumble by the end, suddenly self-conscious about what she was saying, but Alyssa had the same sweet look in her eyes, and she pressed herself a fraction closer to Emma’s side as they neared the dorm building.

“Thank you,” she said earnestly.

Emma found out that her and Alyssa’s rooms were both on the same floor, just at opposite ends of the building, so she walked Alyssa to her door. She knew Alyssa’s roommate would be in, so all talk of the reality of their situation would have to stop because these doors definitely weren’t soundproof, and Alyssa had warned her that Gwen could well be able to hear them.

“So,” Alyssa started, turning to face Emma when they reached her door. She didn’t let go of her hand. “Thank you for dinner.”

“Thank you for your company,” Emma said, playfully over-formal.

Alyssa swatted her with her free hand. “Shut up.”

“Make me.”

Alyssa paused, and Emma wanted to die instantly. It had felt like the natural thing to say to someone you were in a relationship with, but maybe it had been too much. She’d never expected Alyssa to actually kiss her or anything – there was nobody there to see, after all – but it probably hadn’t been the wisest thing to say.

Regaining her bearings, Alyssa leaned closer. She turned her head to the side and kissed Emma’s cheek, and Emma closed her eyes as Alyssa’s perfume surrounded her. Her lips were warm, and just as soft as they’d been against her cheek yesterday, and she still wanted to die but in a slightly different way.

Alyssa drew back and Emma opened her eyes quickly, not wanting to be caught savoring the touch. She realized, dimly, that they’d been silent long enough after her words to imply a proper goodnight kiss to anyone who may have been able to hear, which may have been Alyssa’s goal.

“Goodnight, Emma,” Alyssa said. Emma marvelled at the way Alyssa had even made her voice go slightly raspy as she spoke.

“Goodnight,” she whispered, squeezing Alyssa’s hand one last time before detangling their fingers.

Alyssa gave her one last smile before she unlocked her door and slipped through. Emma was left standing in the hallway, skin still tingling where Alyssa’s lips had been, and beginning to wonder what the hell she had gotten herself into.

 

* * *

 

The more time Alyssa spent hanging out with Emma, the more she felt as if they’d known each other their entire lives. Alyssa liked her high school friends – especially now that they’d opened their minds and let go of a lot of the prejudice she’d heard from them back in school – but there was just something special about Emma. The time they spent together never seemed long enough, even though they’d been hanging out every day for the last two weeks.

She hoped Emma wasn’t getting sick of her.

Being in a fake relationship with someone who had become a friend was a strange experience, at least as far as Alyssa was concerned. She didn’t know what was genuine platonic affection, and what was for show. It all kind of blended together into one, and meant that she and Emma grew very close very quickly. Even so, Alyssa still felt a little nervous every time Emma reached for her hand when they walked around campus, and she wasn’t sure why.

Gwen kept making fun of her whenever she got back to their room after seeing Emma; teasing her for the supposed lovestruck look on her face. Alyssa didn’t really understand that, because she wasn’t exactly keeping up the act when she was back in her dorm. And yet, Gwen had been completely taken in with the ruse, just like everybody else.

Alyssa looked at the latest picture she had uploaded to Instagram – a photo of Emma lying on the ground and scowling up at the camera with streaks of dirt on her clothes. Her glasses were askew and there were twigs in her hair, which was even messier than usual. Alyssa couldn’t stop the laughter that bubbled up at the memory that picture brought.

Emma had been talking animatedly about something or other as they’d taken a shortcut across the grass, not far from the bench where they’d taken their first picture together. Alyssa hadn’t really registered what exactly Emma had been saying, too caught up in watching the light behind her eyes and the way she was gesticulating wildly with the hand not interlocked with Alyssa’s. The next thing she knew, Emma’s foot had slipped out from under her and she’d hit the deck hard. Alyssa herself had been brought to her knees next to Emma by their joined hands, the shock quickly giving way to uncontrollable laughter at the scandalised look on Emma’s face. She’d brought her phone out and had taken a quick picture of her, still unable to temper her giggling fit. She'd captioned the photo accordingly.

_Note to self: Don’t take shortcuts across the grass. The paths are there for a reason._

 

Sure enough, the next day, Emma didn’t suggest straying from the path. It meant that the walk to the on-campus convenience store was a little further, but Alyssa didn’t mind. Walking hand in hand with Emma was kind of nice, and she was getting to be very familiar with the slight callouses on her hands – mostly on the tips of her left fingers from playing guitar.

Now, sat in her room trying to finish her latest assignment, Alyssa couldn’t help but let her thoughts wander to Emma. She hoped Emma would play guitar for her at some point; she really had been incredible at the Open Mic.

There was a knock on the door.

Furrowing her brow, Alyssa closed her laptop and got up from her desk. She wasn’t expecting anyone, and Gwen had never left her key before. Besides, her roommate had only just left for her evening yoga class and wasn’t supposed to get back for another hour and a half. She padded over to the door in her socks, swinging it open to reveal Emma holding what might have been the largest pizza box she’d ever seen.

“Hi,” Emma said. “Are you hungry?”

“I—yeah, how did you know?” Alyssa stepped aside to let Emma in, closing the door behind her. She hadn’t realized it until now, but it had been hours since she’d last eaten anything. Admittedly, the assignment had been kicking her ass all day.

“Lucky guess,” Emma shrugged, setting the box down on Alyssa’s bed. “I even got pretty much all the toppings, just how you like it.”

“But you hate half of them,” Alyssa said. “Emma, you shouldn’t have.”

She pulled Emma into a hug, wrapping her arms around her waist and resting her chin on Emma’s shoulder. She felt Emma’s hands on her upper back, her palms pressing warmly through the fabric of her t-shirt. The ends of Emma’s hair tickled Alyssa’s nose slightly, but she didn’t mind, because whatever conditioner Emma used smelled amazing.

“I wanted to,” Emma murmured, and Alyssa squeezed her tighter.

She could feel her heart thumping in her chest, and she suddenly didn’t know if she wanted to run away, or stay right here forever. Blindsighted by the feeling, she didn’t register Emma stepping away until she was almost overbalancing. Stumbling a little and trying not to let embarrassment flood her veins, Alyssa cleared her throat and fetched her laptop. She needed a break anyway.

“Movie?”

The pizza lasted them almost the first hour of _Legally Blonde_ , and Alyssa pretended not to notice how Emma let her have more than half of the food. She _really_ hadn’t realized how hungry she’d been. With her hunger satisfied, she leaned back more comfortably against the headboard of her slightly narrower than was comfortable bed, taking the empty pizza box and dropping it on the floor next to the bed for now.

Emma sighed contentedly beside her, wiping her hands on one of the napkins she’d produced from her pocket and offering another one to Alyssa. It was a remarkably civilized move from the girl who thought falling down in the mud wasn’t a good enough reason to change clothes before class.

“So, any update on your mom?” Emma asked her, pulling Alyssa’s attention away from the movie she must have seen at least twenty times.

“She’s mostly just asking if you’re treating me right,” Alyssa said. “She hasn’t broached the lesbian topic yet, or apologized for how she reacted when I came out, but it’s baby steps.”

Emma nodded, seemingly satisfied with her answer. “So we’ll be keeping this up for a little while yet.”

“Looks like,” Alyssa said. “Sorry, I know there must be a million girls lining up to date you for real.”

“Hardly,” Emma snorted. “A girl kissed me at the one party I got invited to in the summer, and then I saw her with her boyfriend later on.”

“Shit,” Alyssa said. “What an asshole.”

“I don’t think she would have done it if she’d known it was my first kiss,” Emma said, only slightly bitter. “I don’t even know if it meant anything to her, and maybe my status as the school’s most hated individual put her off. But it was still a dick move even if she was just drunk-experimenting. Since then, though, nothing.”

“Seems like we both had pretty terrible first kisses,” Alyssa mused. “I mean, I’ve never even kissed a girl, so you’re at least doing better than me.”

“It’s not a competition,” Emma said gently, looking over at her. “Everyone in their own time.”

“I know,” Alyssa sighed. “But ever since I came to terms with being gay, it’s just been building in my head. What if any girl that genuinely wants to date me finds out I’ve never even kissed a girl and loses interest, or worse, thinks I’m lying about being a lesbian?”

“Then she wouldn’t be a person worth dating,” Emma told her firmly.

Alyssa looked at her. Really looked at her. Emma was staring steadily back, her eyes wide and honest. Alyssa found herself getting lost in her eyes, not for the first time. It wasn’t her fault that Emma had such beautiful eyes. Her gaze dropped automatically to her lips, and she suddenly wondered how they would feel against her own. Alyssa forced her line of sight back up to Emma’s eyes.

“Are you okay?” Emma asked.

“Yeah,” Alyssa said. “I was just thinking.”

“Uh-oh.”

Alyssa laughed softly. “Stop making fun of me.”

“Sorry,” Emma said. “What were you thinking about?”

“It’s just…” Alyssa took a deep breath. “You know how we said that we might have to kiss in front of people to sell the whole fake relationship thing?”

“Yeah,” Emma said, her brow creasing just slightly. Alyssa wanted to reach out and smooth the lines.

“What if it happens, but I’m so awkward that it makes it blatantly obvious that we haven’t kissed before?” she asked. “We’ve supposedly been together for weeks and we haven’t kissed? We’d be found out for sure.”

Emma bit down on her bottom lip, and Alyssa’s eyes were once again drawn to her mouth. She could feel a sort of buzzing sensation in the tips of her fingers, spreading through her body. Was the air heavier around them?

“That’s a good point,” Emma said quietly. “Should we… I mean—”

“Can we practise?” Alyssa blurted out. She closed her eyes momentarily as heat rushed to her face. She hadn’t meant to say it, not like that. “Sorry, that was…”

“Alyssa, hey,” Emma said.

Alyssa opened her eyes to see Emma looking at her with an ever-so-slightly apprehensive expression on her face, but she was smiling softly. Her eyes flicked back and forth between Alyssa’s own.

“I think practising… might be for the best,” she continued. “You know, just so the first kiss isn’t in front of anyone.”

“Yeah,” Alyssa breathed. “Just to take the pressure off.”

She shuffled, bringing her legs up underneath herself and pushing into a half-sitting, half-kneeling position. Her cheeks were burning as she faced Emma, who was almost mirroring her position now. This was surely going to be the most awkward moment of Alyssa’s life.

Emma took a shaky breath. “I’m going to kiss you now. Is that okay?”

Alyssa nodded, not trusting her voice to come out steady. Her gaze fell to Emma’s lips again, and the buzzing in her veins felt like it was electrifying her. She’d never been so simultaneously aware and unaware of her entire body in her life. Emma leaned in, so very slowly, and Alyssa’s eyes fluttered shut just before their lips met and—

Oh.

Emma’s lips were soft. They were impossibly soft, and Alyssa was already obsessed. The press of their lips was gentle; not too much pressure, but enough to make Alyssa’s head spin. Her hands curled around the fabric of her comforter. God, if this was what kissing a girl always felt like, then she’d really been missing out.

The kiss lingered for a few seconds before Emma drew back. Alyssa opened her eyes again, blinking as the world came back into focus. Her heart was beating fast, and all of a sudden she was hit with the overwhelming desire to do that again.

“How was that?” Emma’s voice was almost a whisper. She looked a little nervous.

Alyssa swallowed. “Really good, um… can we—I mean, should we—again?”

This time, she saw Emma’s gaze drop to her lips. Her breath stuttered in her chest, but it didn’t matter, because then they were both leaning in once more. Alyssa pressed up a little more on her knees, giving her a slight height advantage over Emma as their lips met in another kiss.

This kiss was bolder, Alyssa could tell as much immediately. She felt Emma’s fingers graze her cheek, and she shivered involuntarily, her lips parting under Emma’s as they drew back slightly only to find each other again. Her bottom lip was caught between Emma’s, and it was perhaps one of the best things that had ever happened to her. She gripped the comforter tighter.

Emma went to pull back again. Alyssa chased her mouth, claiming her lips in another kiss. Her brain was fogging up, but it didn’t matter – all that mattered was that Emma kept kissing her. Alyssa forgot where she was, and she forgot how they’d even started kissing in the first place, and all she knew was that she never wanted to stop.

Alyssa felt Emma’s lips curve up into a smile, and it made her smile too. This was surely the best feeling in the entire world. Heart feeling like it was going to burst out of her chest, she pressed even closer to Emma. One of her hands moved to brace against Emma’s knee, to stop herself from toppling forwards, and she felt the rough fabric of Emma’s jeans under her palm, in direct contrast to the softness of her lips.

Wondering if it would feel just as good on her end, Alyssa captured Emma’s bottom lip between her own and pulled ever so slightly. The result was a tiny noise, almost like a whimper, escaping Emma’s throat. It made Alyssa’s heart skip a beat and her stomach drop, and suddenly that sound was the most important sound in the universe.

When they both pulled away this time, the air crackled with electricity around them. Alyssa’s brain had short-circuited at the first touch of Emma’s lips, and she knew dimly that there would be no hope of regaining function just yet. When she finally opened her eyes, it was to find Emma already looking at her, cheeks red and eyes darker than they had been earlier.

Alyssa struggled to make her mouth form words. “Wow.”

“That was…” Emma trailed off. “So much better than a drunk girl at a party.”

Alyssa laughed suddenly. “Yeah?”

“One million times better,” Emma said. “Is it… is it bad that I wish _that_ was my first kiss?”

“No, because I do, too,” Alyssa admitted. “I, uh, don’t think I’ll have any issues if we have to kiss in front of people, so… thank you.”

It felt dumb, to be thanking Emma for kissing her, but it wasn’t like Emma had meant the kiss. As incredible as it had been, it was just practise. Just practise, so that Alyssa didn’t potentially embarrass herself if they ever kissed in public. It wasn’t real. For some reason, that thought caused her heart to plummet.

 _Legally Blonde_ was still playing in the background, but Alyssa didn’t really feel like watching it anymore. She glanced down to where her hand was still resting on Emma’s knee, and withdrew it quickly. She didn’t know what she was supposed to do now, or say. At least Emma looked to be in the same boat, fiddling with a loose thread on Alyssa’s pillow.

Alyssa should say something, right? She should just say something; _anything_. Because now things were starting to feel a bit awkward, and she had no idea where they were supposed to go from here because they’d just _kissed_ and—

“What’s up, roomie?” a voice came from behind her, and Alyssa’s heart jumped into her throat because Gwen had come back, yoga mat under her arm and red hair tied back in a tight bun, and she and Emma were just kneeling on her bed looking at each other like idiots. Neither of them had even noticed when the door had opened.

“Gwen,” Alyssa started, twisting her upper body around so that she could see her.

“Hey, Alyssa, I—” Gwen cut herself off as she seemed to read the room. “Shit, guys, I’m sorry to interrupt.”

“It’s okay,” Emma said quickly. “It’s not—we weren’t—”

“It’s fine, Gwen,” Alyssa interrupted. “Besides, it’s your room, too.”

Gwen looked at her strangely. “Yeah, but I can come back later if you need to—”

“No,” Alyssa’s voice went high. “Really, it’s okay.”

“I was actually just leaving,” Emma said, getting up from the bed. “Early class tomorrow, so…”

“It’s not even nine yet,” Gwen laughed.

Emma opened and closed her mouth a few times and, sensing a potential blow to their cover, Alyssa got off the bed to stand with her. She grabbed her key and took Emma’s hand, trying to pull herself together.

“Come on,” she said to Emma. “I’ll walk you back.”

Emma nodded mutely, allowing Alyssa to pull her out the door and down the hall. They didn’t speak. Alyssa was still holding onto Emma’s hand, although she didn’t quite know why. It wasn’t like there was anyone else there to be proving their relationship to. But Emma didn’t pull away, and neither did Alyssa.

Their goodbye was a little awkward, the kiss still very fresh in Alyssa’s mind. Emma did squeeze her hand before she let go, though, so clearly not everything had changed in the last hour. As soon as the door shut behind her, Alyssa let out a huge sigh. She didn’t know if it was necessarily a sigh of relief.

Gwen was still apologetic when Alyssa got back.

“Honestly, if you’d put a sock on the doorknob or something I would have stayed far away and crashed at Jessica’s,” she said immediately. “I promise.”

Once again, heat rushed to Alyssa’s face. “It—it wasn’t what you thought.”

“Okay,” Gwen relented, although Alyssa got the impression she didn’t completely believe her. “But, like I said, I can probably go to Jessica’s if you ever need me to.”

“Thanks,” Alyssa said, knowing that she couldn’t make too much of a protest without potentially making her roommate suspicious.

“Just as long as you do the same if James ever comes to visit,” Gwen continued with a wink.

Alyssa wrinkled her nose. “Yeah, there’s no way I’d stick around for that.”

Gwen laughed, and it helped to put Alyssa’s nerves at ease. She’d been so tense ever since she’d remembered that the kiss had only been for practise; it was like for a blissful moment this thing with Emma had been real. It had felt kind of real to Alyssa, anyway.

Did she want it to be real?

Alyssa’s relief was short-lived as that question pierced her armor like an arrow. God, did she? Emma was kind of perfect – she was funny, and sweet, and crazy beautiful, and she was a nice enough person to go along with Alyssa’s insane plan. She was an incredible fake girlfriend, that much Alyssa knew, but what if the real deal would be just as good?

Alyssa thought about how she’d gotten lost in Emma’s eyes, more than once. She thought about how Emma’s laugh always brought a smile to her face. She thought about how amazing their kiss had made her feel. She thought about how much care Emma took with her. She thought about how Emma already felt like one of the most important people in her life. She thought about her hair, and her hands, and her lips, and her—

Fuck.

She had a crush on her fake girlfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys for reading! like i said, i don't know when i'll be able to write the next chapter but i hope you enjoyed this one! i also know that i wrote like over twice the amount of alyssa pov as i did for emma buuuut sometimes it just be like that.
> 
> if you wanted to leave a comment, it would absolutely make my day :))
> 
> until next time: be gay, do crime!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about the break! like i said, i had a trip and then i moved out of my old house, and THEN i got sick for a couple days so... it's been a time.
> 
> a lot has happened in the fandom while i was away, but i want you guys to know that i'm committed to finishing the fic and i'm not planning on going anywhere anytime soon!
> 
> enjoy the dumbassery!

Emma felt as if she was operating on autopilot for the rest of the day.

Her first kiss, during the summer, had been nice – even if the circumstances surrounding it had been less than ideal – but kissing Alyssa was… she didn’t even have the words for it, or for how she felt even hours later. She couldn’t fathom ever having a better kiss than that, although it crossed her mind that if they kissed again it might be even better. God, what if they never kissed again? Emma didn’t know if she could survive only kissing Alyssa Greene on one occasion; not now that she knew what it was like.

She shook her head, taking a deep breath as she tried to find something else to occupy her mind. It was no use. All she could think about was Alyssa, and her perfect lips, and how much she wanted to feel them against her own once more. She really needed to snap out of it – if Alyssa knew what she was thinking, she’d probably be completely freaked out. She’d trusted Emma when she’d asked her to pretend to be her girlfriend, and Emma didn’t want to betray that trust by obsessing over a kiss that hadn’t even meant anything in the first place. It had just been for practise.

Besides, how dumb and cliché would it be for her to go and develop real feelings for her fake girlfriend? No, Emma refused to let herself go down that path. Despite what everyone around them thought, she and Alyssa were just friends. And her friendship with Alyssa was something that Emma didn’t want to throw away. So, she tried to put it all to the back of her mind and focus on her classes.

 

They were hanging out in Emma’s room, joking about some of the comments on Alyssa’s latest Instagram post. In it, Emma was holding a huge pumpkin in her hands, looking very unimpressed at being made to stop and take a picture. Alyssa was stood next to her, a huge smile on her face. She was pointing at the pumpkin with one hand, her other holding the phone. The caption of the picture read:

_3 weeks before Halloween isn’t too early to start decorating, right? Oh, and @emma.nolan says she’s the strong one in this relationship, but we’ll see…_

“Come on, I’m totally stronger than you,” Emma protested, ignoring the validation Alyssa was getting from her high school friends on the matter.

“Did you do cheer for four years while also taking dance classes?” Alyssa challenged her. “It’s not even a competition.”

Emma scoffed. “Please. You’re underestimating my inherent lesbian strength.”

“I’m a lesbian, too, remember,” Alyssa laughed. “So I have that, _plus_ the cheer and dance strength.”

“Well, I guess there’s only one way to find out for sure,” Emma decided. “How about an arm wres—”

The rest of her sentence was cut off as Alyssa tackled her backwards onto the bed. Letting out a surprised shout that turned into a laugh, Emma grasped Alyssa’s wrists to try and gain the upper hand. Alyssa was giggling uncontrollably, her hair curtaining them both as they play-fought. Emma was wriggling as much as she could, and Alyssa swung one of her legs over Emma’s body and sat firmly on her stomach.

“Oh no you don’t,” she wheezed.

“You’re not gonna win,” Emma gasped, completely out of breath.

“I’m winning right now,” Alyssa replied, escaping Emma’s grip and pinning her hands to the bed with her own, one either side of Emma’s head.

“I refuse to accept that,” Emma said, trying in vain to throw Alyssa off. “You should just give up now.”

“Emma, I’m literally on top of you,” Alyssa said.

Emma’s laughter died in her throat as she realized that, yes, Alyssa was indeed on top of her. She’d been shuffled back a little by Emma’s squirming, thighs now bracketing Emma’s hips. Alyssa’s upper body was leaning over her, arms extended and palms pressing Emma’s hands into the mattress.

Suddenly, the air around them was heavy with anticipation.

Emma didn’t know what to do. She felt like she couldn’t breathe, and her head started to spin as Alyssa’s proximity and their position fully registered in her brain. Alyssa had stopped laughing now, too, eyes wide and lips parted as if she was surprised that they’d ended up like this. Emma’s eyes were drawn to her lips, and she knew she was completely screwed.

Pressing upwards as much as she could, Emma kissed her.

She wasn’t thinking clearly, mind too focused on the overwhelming need to be kissing Alyssa right now immediately, and her slight worries about Alyssa’s reaction melted away as soon as she felt Alyssa kiss her back. Her lips pressed insistently against Emma’s own, and Emma’s confidence grew.

She sucked on Alyssa’s bottom lip, hard, and was rewarded with a helpless moan coming from the girl on top of her. Alyssa readjusted her hands, lacing her fingers with Emma’s – the soft gesture a counterpoint to the intensity with which she was kissing her.

Emma felt Alyssa’s tongue slip into her mouth, and it was as if her entire body caught fire. She thought dimly that she wouldn’t mind if this was what killed her, because it had to be the best way to go. She could feel Alyssa everywhere, and it was both too much and not enough.

Alyssa broke the kiss, freeing Emma’s hands and sitting up. Emma was about to ask if she was okay, or go straight to apologizing, but then Alyssa was crossing her arms at her own waist and pulling her shirt up and off over her head in one smooth motion. Emma’s mouth hung open, her eyes trailing over Alyssa’s torso. Years of cheer and dance had been kind to her, and Emma wondered for the first time if she’d been wrong about who was actually stronger.

“Emma?” Alyssa’s voice sounded far away. “Are you okay?”

“Huh?” Emma blinked rapidly, seeing the concerned look Alyssa had on her face. “Yeah, I’m—I’m fine. Just… wow.”

She sat up, Alyssa settling in her lap as she did so, and tentatively wrapped her arms around the small of Alyssa’s back. She felt Alyssa shiver a little at her touch, pupils blown wide. Emma couldn’t believe that this was happening. Alyssa smiled nervously at her.

“You’re so…” Emma’s mouth was dry, and forming words was hard. “So beautiful.”

Alyssa kissed her fiercely, fingers tangling in her hair, and Emma’s mind went blank once again. She was timid, but allowed her hands to explore the smooth skin of Alyssa’s back, sliding one hand around to the curve of her waist. The tips of Alyssa’s fingers dragged against Emma’s scalp, drawing a hungry noise from her that surprised both of them.

Hands moving to the buttons of Emma’s flannel, Alyssa broke the kiss only to ask permission. Emma nodded frantically, her heartbeat pounding loudly in her own ears. She captured Alyssa’s lips again as her shirt was swiftly unbuttoned and pushed off her shoulders, leaving her in her bra. Any self-consciousness she felt disappeared at the look on Alyssa’s face when she next pulled back.

Both of them paused, breathing hard, and it was like the moment caught up with them all of a sudden.

“Is this okay?” Alyssa whispered.

“Yes,” Emma said immediately. “Is it okay with you?”

Alyssa nodded. “Definitely.”

“Good,” Emma breathed, cupping Alyssa’s face with one hand and bringing their lips together again.

Somehow, she wasn’t quite sure how, Emma ended up on her back again, Alyssa’s lips and hands roaming. Emma’s mind was hazy; she could barely remember how this had all started, but she wasn’t complaining. Alyssa’s mouth was hot on her neck, sucking what was sure to be a mark onto the sensitive skin there. One of her hands started a slow path down Emma’s body.

“Just tell me if you wanna stop,” she whispered.

Emma didn’t want to stop, because this felt like one of the most important moments of her life, and it was happening, and Alyssa wanted it, too – wanted _her_ , too—

Emma woke with a start, shooting up in bed and gasping for air.

Disorientated and electrified, she blinked a few times in an attempt to bring the world into focus. It was hard to see in the dark without her glasses, but she knew she was – in fact – alone. It had all been a dream.

Needing to be sure, Emma grabbed her glasses and her phone from her bedside table. She opened the Instagram app and went straight to Alyssa’s profile, her senses flooding with relief and disappointment simultaneously when didn’t see any pictures with pumpkins in them.

Emma dropped her phone down onto her bed, burying her flushed face in her hands as guilt washed over her. She’d just had a sex dream about Alyssa, and suddenly being worried about her potential reaction to Emma thinking about kissing her seemed stupid, because this was way worse.

Surely this dream didn’t have to mean anything. It _couldn’t_ mean anything, not for Emma’s sanity. God, she was meant to be hanging out with Alyssa later, and she’d just…

Emma flopped back down onto her mattress, thankful that her roommate was never here because she’d be even more embarrassed if she was. She took her glasses off again, pushing her hair back out of her eyes and puffing out her cheeks, trying to will her body into a state of calm. She wondered absently if cold showers really did work, and whether she should try one.

She told herself that everything would be fine. She wished she believed it.

 

* * *

 

Alyssa was a little worried about Emma in the week following their kiss.

All of a sudden, it was like Emma couldn’t look her in the eye; she didn’t linger in their hugs like she usually did. She was only like that in private, though – when they were out on campus together it was like nothing much had changed. Alyssa just hoped the kiss hadn’t freaked her out too much. She’d been beating herself up about it enough ever since it had happened.

Especially with the revelation it had brought her.

She was still trying to make peace with the fact that she had feelings for Emma – real feelings – but it wasn’t easy. She felt like she was somehow betraying Emma’s trust. What if Emma thought the only reason she’d asked her to pretend to be her girlfriend was to get into her pants or something without the complications of an actual relationship? And then she’d gone and asked her to practise kissing… what had she been thinking?

Now Alyssa couldn’t stop thinking about kissing Emma. It consumed most of her days, and she even found herself daydreaming about it in her classes. She’d never had a crush blindsight her this quickly, and it was throwing her a little.

She just hoped Emma hadn’t picked up on her feelings, and that was why she was acting a little weird. She wanted to ask someone for advice, but given the complicated nature of the situation, it wasn’t possible without letting onto the fact that she and Emma weren’t actually together.

Alyssa sat at her desk, tapping a finger lightly against a key on her laptop as she tried to figure out what to put in her latest assignment. She was usually pretty good with cognitive psychology, but today it was like her brain couldn’t make the words flow like they normally did. God, it was frustrating. And it was all Emma’s fault.

Her phone buzzed with an incoming FaceTime call, and she breathed a sigh of relief. At least this was a more valid distraction than fantasizing about kissing Emma again. Looking at the screen, she saw Shelby’s contact photo staring back at her, and a smile flickered across her face. It had been a couple weeks since they’d spoken. She answered the call.

“Hey, Shelbs,” Alyssa greeted, her smile widening when she saw Kaylee in the picture too. “And Kaylee.”

“Hi,” Kaylee waved, while Shelby grinned at her.

“I hope we’re not interrupting anything,” she said.

Alyssa smiled wryly. “Just my cognitive assignment.”

“Sounds riveting,” Shelby raised her eyebrows. “Where’s your girlfriend, then?”

“Music theory class,” Alyssa said, her heart fluttering a little in her chest at the mention of Emma. Jesus, she was screwed.

“Has she written you any songs?” Kaylee asked. “Nick tried to write me a song once in high school but it wasn’t very good.”

“I think I remember that,” Alyssa laughed. “Didn’t the chorus just repeat the words ‘cause you’re my babe’ over and over?”

Kaylee nodded. “He tried.”

“He tried a little,” Alyssa corrected. “And, no, she hasn’t. But that’s okay. She definitely doesn’t have to or anything. Besides, we’ve only been officially together for a month.”

“And yet she looks at you like you hung the moon itself,” Shelby said.

“Your insta stories are so cute,” Kaylee all but squealed.

Alyssa marvelled at just how far her friends had come. Kaylee had been shocked even a short while ago, when Alyssa had publicly come out, but since then she’d pretty much completely come around to the idea of one of her best friends being a lesbian. According to Shelby, the two of them had talked about it a lot, and Kaylee was starting to get to the root of any issues she’d had with it.

“Seriously, Alyssa, that girl is all in,” Shelby said.

Alyssa fought back a hollow laugh. She took a deep breath. “I just… I like her so much.”

It felt a little like a confession; even if her friends didn’t know just how much of a confession it was. She felt a fraction better for sort of having told someone about her feelings, despite the fact that it was still a cop-out.

“Stop it,” Kaylee groaned good-naturedly. “I feel so single.”

“Relax, Kaylee, you’ll find someone,” Shelby reassured her. “You’re too hot to stay single for long.”

“Thanks,” Kaylee said, brightening a little.

Alyssa chatted with them for a while longer, until the guilt of ignoring her work got to be too much. She said goodbye to her friends with a promise to call them soon, and went back to trying to write. Even though her mind still lingered on Emma, as it always did nowadays, she managed to get a solid portion of the essay completed before Gwen came home.

“Hey,” Alyssa started, spinning around in her chair and trailing off as she saw that her roommate wasn’t alone.

“Alyssa, this is James,” Gwen beamed, gesturing to the young man by her side.

Alyssa stood and crossed the room to shake his hand, the polite gesture drilled into her almost from birth. James towered over her, but he had kind eyes and a warm smile. Alyssa decided on the spot that she approved of him for Gwen.

“Hi,” she said. “It’s nice to finally meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you from Gwen.”

“Same, actually,” James said. “She was worried about getting a bad roommate, but said she’d lucked out with you.”

“Aw, you do care,” Alyssa laughed, placing a hand over her heart and looking at her friend.

Gwen rolled her eyes. “Yeah, yeah, don’t let it go to your head.”

“Anyway, you didn’t mention James would be visiting,” Alyssa said.

“I didn’t know until he showed up!” Gwen said, a huge smile taking over her face once more.

James grinned sheepishly. “I wanted to surprise her.”

“That’s really sweet,” Alyssa said. She cleared her throat before turning to Gwen. “Should I, uh, go?”

“Only if it’s okay with you,” Gwen said hurriedly, although Alyssa got the feeling she was practically being begged to leave.

“I’m gonna go pick up some food,” James said, gesturing to the door. “Just to, you know, give you some time. Alyssa, do you want to have dinner with us?”

“No, that’s okay,” Alyssa said, trying to hold in a laugh at the look on Gwen’s face. “I’m just gonna grab my laptop and stuff.”

James nodded, pressing a quick kiss to Gwen’s lips before slipping out of the door. Gwen let out a breath, tearing her gaze from where he’d just left to glance at Alyssa apologetically.

“I’m so sorry to be kicking you out like this,” she said. “It’s just been a really long time since I’ve seen him and—”

“I get it,” Alyssa said, putting a hand on Gwen’s arm. “It’s fine, really. I’ll give you guys some privacy.”

“It might be best if you stayed out until tomorrow,” Gwen said. “Just cause, you know…”

“I know,” Alyssa said with a laugh. “You don’t have to go into details.”

Gwen shrugged. “Sorry. But you’ll be able to go to Emma’s, right?”

“Yeah,” Alyssa said, trying not to let her voice waver at the thought of spending the night in Emma’s room. “Should be fine. She’ll be back from her last class by now.”

“Okay, cool,” Gwen said. Her tone turned teasing. “Hey, maybe we can both get laid tonight.”

Alyssa choked on her own breath.

“Are you okay?” Gwen asked, patting Alyssa firmly on the back until her breathing had settled.

“Yep,” Alyssa wheezed. “Just, um, Emma and I haven’t actually…”

“Oh,” Gwen said slowly, a look of understanding in her eyes that faded into mischief. “Well, there’s no time like the present!”

Alyssa made a strangled noise in the back of her throat, immediately wishing for a swift death. “Uh-huh.”

 

* * *

 

Emma felt like shit.

She’d woken up not feeling well, but had still tried to tough out the day’s classes. That had evidently been a mistake, because now she felt even worse. Her throat was like sandpaper, she felt sick to her stomach, and she knew her skin was ridiculously clammy. Stupid college environment; it was way too easy to pick up a bug. She didn’t feel like eating, despite not having had anything since breakfast, and had just about resigned herself to an evening of suffering when there was a knock at her door.

Confused, she shuffled towards the door. Opening it was hard – had it always been this heavy? Once she was able to find the strength, she pulled the door open to reveal Alyssa, with her laptop tucked under her arm and a toothbrush in hand. Her apologetic smile instantly melted into a concerned frown when she took in Emma’s no doubt pitiful appearance.

“Hi,” Emma croaked.

“Emma, oh my god,” Alyssa said. “You look awful.”

“Thank you,” Emma said. “I, personally, think the deathly pale face, oversized shirt, and baggy sweatpants look is very in right now.”

“Sorry,” Alyssa said. “It’s just… you kinda look like a ghost.”

“I feel like one,” Emma groaned, leaning against the doorframe when standing upright became too hard. “I shouldn’t have gone to class.”

“Why did you?” Alyssa asked. “Wait, can I come in?”

Emma nodded, letting her inside and shutting the door behind her. “Didn’t wanna fall behind.”

“Oh,” Alyssa looked at her sympathetically. “Lie down a minute. I’m a bit worried you’re gonna pass out if you stay standing.”

“Not gonna pass out,” Emma said, swaying on the spot.

In an instant Alyssa was by her side, free arm slipping around Emma’s waist. She helped Emma over to her bed, and Emma all but collapsed onto the mattress. She was definitely sweatier than before; had walking to the door and back really taken that much out of her?

“How come you’re here?” Emma asked suddenly, her brain finally catching up on its surprise at seeing Alyssa at her door.

“Funny story, that,” Alyssa said. “Gwen’s boyfriend made a surprise visit, so I’ve been asked to stay elsewhere tonight.”

“Oh,” Emma said, screwing her face up. “Gross.”

“I was gonna ask if I could stay here,” Alyssa said. “But if you’re not up to it then I could always—”

“No,” Emma said. “Stay? I mean, you don’t have to if you’re worried I’ll make you sick, too, I wouldn’t blame you or anything.”

Alyssa’s face softened. “I’ll stay. Besides, I think you might need some looking after.”

“That much of a state, huh?” Emma managed a small laugh. “I’ll be better tomorrow. I get over stuff like this super quick, it’s just hell while it’s happening.”

“Hmm,” Alyssa pursed her lips. “I’m still gonna make a run for supplies. When did you last eat?”

“Uhhh,” Emma trailed off, trying to remember. “Maybe eight this morning?”

“Supplies and food, then,” Alyssa decided. “I’ll pick up some chicken noodle soup or something, that’s meant to be good when you’re sick.”

“You’re amazing,” Emma mumbled, strangely so much more at ease now that Alyssa was here.

“Well, what good is a fake girlfriend who can’t even take care of you while you’re ill?” Alyssa tucked some hair behind her ear, glancing at the floor. “I’ll be back in ten. Give me your key, so you don’t have to get up again when I come back.”

Emma handed it over, trying not to focus too much on the tiny crease between Alyssa’s eyebrows as she surveyed her. While Alyssa was gone, Emma tried in vain to get comfortable. She was too hot under the covers, but started shivering if she was on top of them for too long. It was unbelievably frustrating. She wasn’t sure how much time passed like that, but soon enough Alyssa was slipping back through the door and shutting it gently behind her.

She put the key back down on Emma’s bedside table, bringing her close enough for Emma to smell the soup she’d picked up on the way back. Her stomach rumbled loudly, and Alyssa smiled at her smugly.

“Here you go,” she said, fishing a plastic spoon out of the bag. “Sorry about the non-environmentally friendly utensil, but there weren’t a lot of options.”

Emma shrugged. “I’ll reuse it.”

She started eating the soup, slowly so as not to upset her empty stomach, and closed her eyes as she breathed in the steam rising off the surface. It felt weirdly like it was helping her sore throat, and her body started to relax.

“Thank you,” she said.

Alyssa smiled at her. “It’s okay. I got myself some, too, in solidarity. Didn’t want anything stronger-smelling to make you nauseous or something.”

God, she really was perfect. Emma didn’t know what she’d done to deserve Alyssa Greene walking into her life, but she sent up a thanks to whoever was listening.

“Shit,” Alyssa said suddenly, putting a hand to the top of her head.

“What?” Emma asked, pausing halfway through another mouthful of soup.

Alyssa bit her lip. “I didn’t bring any pyjamas. Ugh, I definitely can’t go back to my room now, I’d be scarred for life, I—”

“Borrow some of mine,” Emma shrugged. “Top drawer of the dresser.”

“Are you sure?” Alyssa asked.

“Yeah, of course,” Emma said. “Besides, what good is a fake girlfriend who won’t even let you borrow her clothes?”

Alyssa snorted. “Still have your wit and charm, I see.”

“Always.”

“Thanks, Em,” Alyssa said softly.

She made her way to the dresser that Emma had indicated, pulling out a blue tank top and a pair of sweatpants. She gestured a little awkwardly to the bathroom before heading in there with her toothbrush, and Emma let out a slow breath. She really didn’t need to be thinking about Alyssa changing right now, not when she'd been doing so well around her today.

Just for something to do, she took a picture of the soup, adding it to her Instagram story. She needed the reminder that this – what they were doing – was all fake; that Alyssa wasn’t actually here as her girlfriend. She was here as a friend. Would be staying the night here as a friend. Oh boy…

_when you’re sick and she brings you soup, you know she’s a keeper_

Sure, the caption wasn’t very creative, but she couldn’t in her present state think of anything better. Dropping her phone back onto her bed and finishing her food, Emma leaned back against the headboard. Admittedly, she felt better after eating. She’d thought food might make her feel more nauseous, but Alyssa had been right about the benefits of chicken noodle soup. She’d also brought back throat sweets and lots of tissues, presumably in case her symptoms turned more flu-like. Or, Emma reasoned, if Alyssa herself did get sick from taking care of her.

The bathroom door opened and Alyssa stepped out, discarded clothes bundled up in her arms. She left them in a pile on Emma’s chair after a moment’s hesitation, and brought her laptop over to where Emma lay in her bed.

“I think you should get some sleep,” she said honestly. “But I know you’re not going to want to. So, I was wondering if we should pick a movie or something that’ll make you tired.”

“Sounds good,” Emma said, both sleepy and wide-awake as she made room for Alyssa to sit next to her on the bed. “Pick whatever you want, I probably won’t last long.”

“Okay,” Alyssa said. “Dumb rom-com it is.”

“Make sure it’s a straight rom-com,” Emma said. “I’ll get bored quicker.”

Alyssa picked the first one she found and, ten minutes in, it was already terrible. In that respect, it was a great choice of movie. Emma let her mind wander to the girl next to her. It should be a crime how good Alyssa looked in her clothes. The sweatpants hung low on her hips, showing off an enticing strip of skin between them and the tank, which also exposed her shoulders and well-muscled arms. Images from her dream came unbidden into Emma’s mind, and she flushed red.

“Hey, you’ve got some of the color back in your cheeks,” Alyssa noted. “I was beginning to think you’d be Casper forever.”

Emma opened her mouth, and then closed it again. She was too ill and too tired to have a lot of control over what she might say, and she really didn’t want to slip up and say anything weird or embarrassing, or something that might make Alyssa uncomfortable.

Instead, she tried to not-focus on the movie, and she felt her eyes starting to slip closed. Alyssa’s body heat provided the perfect temperature for her on top of the covers, and she started to gravitate towards her even more. Not completely aware of her own body, it was sort of a dull surprise to Emma that she found her head resting on Alyssa’s shoulder.

Her eyelids felt heavy, and one of the last things she registered before sleep started to claim her was her glasses being carefully removed from her face, and then she was being laid down on the bed. She felt almost like she was sinking into the mattress, and her traitorous body reached out for Alyssa. Barely conscious of her movements, she curled into Alyssa’s side, one arm over her torso.

Maybe tomorrow she’d be embarrassed about it, but right now she didn’t care. All she cared about was the comfort that Alyssa being there provided, and the fact that maybe her presence was making Emma feel better than she would have otherwise. Drifting off to sleep, Emma wondered if she imagined the light press of lips against her temple.

 

* * *

 

Alyssa wouldn’t have minded if she never moved from this position ever again. Emma was pressed close, the weight of her arm grounding Alyssa where she lay, her face relaxed in her sleep, with none of the strain that had shown when she’d been awake. Alyssa’s laptop was long forgotten at the foot of the bed, the dorm room lights off and the curtains mostly closed. Only a small amount of light from the moon outside, shining through a small gap in the curtains, illuminated Emma, and the soft glow made her look healthier than she’d appeared when Alyssa had turned up at her door not too long ago.

She didn’t know how much sleep she was going to get. Between worrying about Emma’s wellbeing (and her own, a little bit, if she was totally honest) and the way her body had decided to wake up and be on high alert wherever Emma was touching her, she was starting to think she might be in for a long night of simply keeping watch.

Alyssa wasn’t sure how much longer she could keep this up without telling somebody about how she felt. The non-confession to Kaylee and Shelby hadn’t worked as well as she’d hoped, and earlier she’d found herself struggling not to blurt out how she felt to Emma – which would probably be the worst idea on the planet.

She was still kind of kicking herself for kissing Emma’s forehead before she was completely sure she was asleep.

Never in a million years had Alyssa wanted this to turn so messy so fast. All she’d wanted to do was convince her mother that she really was a lesbian, and yet somehow they’d ended up here: Fooling everyone in their lives because their so-called relationship was online for everyone to see, and Alyssa topping off the whole thing by catching feelings for Emma. God, Emma didn’t deserve this.

Even just thinking about the potential fallout if Emma ever found out about her feelings made Alyssa want to start hyperventilating, so she tried her best to push it to the back of her mind. Maybe she’d crack eventually, but for as long as possible, she’d have to hide her crush from her while also keeping up the fake relationship.

Alyssa wasn’t entirely sure how she’d do it, but she knew she’d have to try.

 

It was a surprise to Alyssa that she woke up – given that she hadn’t really expected to sleep at all – but the sunlight streaming through the same gap in the curtains directly onto her face was enough to pull her from the blissful nothingness of unconsciousness. She hadn’t dreamed at all, which was probably for the best; she didn’t want to accidentally hit Emma if she’d ended up having a nightmare or something.

She opened her eyes to see Emma still sleeping soundly, lips slightly parted and still very much curled into Alyssa’s body. They were both on top of the covers, and it seemed to have done Emma a lot of good. She looked less sweaty than she had the previous evening, at any rate, and less pale. The bags under her eyes were smaller, too, which Alyssa counted as another good sign.

God, Emma was beautiful.

Alyssa had known as much, of course, but now she couldn’t tear her gaze away. Was she being creepy? Watching her while she slept… was that allowed? Surely if they were together for real it would be, but where was the line for them? That was the confusing thing; Alyssa had no idea where the lines were in this relationship, and she was so scared to cross one and immediately regret it. Still, she couldn’t look away.

Emma’s mouth twitched, her brow furrowed, and she groaned a little. Eyes still closed, she tightened the arm over Alyssa’s stomach, her hand finding Alyssa’s forearm as she sleepily pushed closer still. Alyssa’s heart rate picked up, the beat thumping in her chest faster and faster.

Slowly, Emma’s eyes opened, and then widened slightly in surprise as if she didn’t remember falling asleep like this. There was silence for a long moment. Alyssa didn’t know how to break it, but eventually she didn’t have to.

“Uh, morning,” Emma said, voice low and rough and doing all kinds of things to Alyssa.

“Hey,” she said, ignoring the fluttering in her stomach. “How are you feeling?”

Emma considered it for a moment. “Better, I think. My throat hurts less and I don’t feel sick anymore.”

“That’s good,” Alyssa said quietly, not wanting to burst their little bubble of peace.

“How do you feel?” Emma asked.

“What?”

“Did I get you sick overnight?” Emma clarified, and Alyssa squashed down the momentary flash of panic.

“Oh,” she said. “No, I don’t think so. I feel fine.”

“Okay, great,” Emma said, clearly relieved. Her arm was still over Alyssa, and Alyssa wasn’t sure if she’d even noticed. But if she _had_ noticed, then why hadn’t she pulled it back? Did it mean anything?

No, of course it didn’t. Alyssa was just getting her hopes up. She needed to get out of there before she said something stupid.

“So, um, do you think it’s safe enough for me to go back to my room?” she asked.

Emma pulled a face. “I don’t know. What time is it?”

“Hold on,” Alyssa said, stretching around for her phone. Miraculously, it still had some charge left on it. “Wow, it’s almost noon.”

“Are you kidding?” Emma yelped, finally retracting her arm and almost falling out of bed in her haste to get up. “I have a—a class today, and it started like an hour ago, oh shit—”

“Emma, slow down,” Alyssa said, climbing out of bed too and intercepting Emma on her way to the door.

“What?”

“Please tell me you weren’t about to run to class in your pyjamas,” Alyssa said.

“I told you, the oversized shirt and baggy sweatpants look is really in right now,” Emma said.

Alyssa sighed, resting her hands on Emma’s shoulders. “You’re not even wearing your shoes. Or your glasses.”

“Oh,” Emma said slowly. “That’s why you’re blurry.”

“Take a day off,” Alyssa said firmly. “Text someone in your class to catch you up another time, but you need to take it easy today.”

Emma laughed a little, shoulders relaxing under Alyssa’s touch. “It feels weird for you to be telling me to take a break. You always work so hard and it makes me worry about you sometimes, so it’s actually kind of funny for it to be this way around.”

“You worry about me?” Alyssa blinked a few times.

“Well, yeah,” Emma shrugged, her gaze dropping to the floor.

“That’s sweet,” Alyssa said, without thinking.

Emma looked back up at her, and Alyssa took her hands off her shoulders. Suddenly, it was all a bit much, and touching Emma in even the most innocent of ways was making her head spin wildly.

“I, um, think I’m gonna chance it,” Alyssa said, jerking her thumb over her shoulder. “Back in my room. I have an assignment to finish, so…”

“See,” Emma said, a smile playing across her lips. “Workaholic.”

“Old habits,” Alyssa said, quickly crossing over to the chair to pick up her clothes. “Wait, toothbrush.”

Once she’d gathered that, as well as her laptop – and Emma had told her to keep the borrowed pyjamas, which sent a strange warmth through her – Alyssa bid her goodbye and dashed down the length of the building to her own room. Luckily, Gwen was decent and James was nowhere to be seen, so Alyssa remained unscarred for the time being. Gwen smiled at her a little sadly.

“James had to get back to his college,” she explained. “He left about an hour ago. He wasn’t able to swing a longer visit.”

“I’m sorry,” Alyssa said, frowning in sympathy. “But it actually says a lot about how much he loves you that he had so little free time and still drove all the way here to see you.”

“Yeah, that’s true,” Gwen said thoughtfully, brightening a little. “Thanks, Alyssa.”

“Sure,” Alyssa said, dumping her stuff on her bed for the time being and turning back around to see her roommate scrutinizing her. “What?”

“Nothing,” Gwen said innocently. “Just trying to figure out if you coming back this late means that you and Emma fu—”

“Oh my god,” Alyssa cut her off, heat rushing to her cheeks immediately. “No, we didn’t. Besides, it would be any of your business if—if we…”

Gwen laughed. “Sorry, you’re right. But you have to admit… your reaction was priceless.”

“Not that it matters,” Alyssa said pointedly, still a little flustered. “But Emma was ill last night so I just took care of her, and she slept in pretty late today.”

She neglected to mention the fact that she herself had been so comfortable that she’d slept in almost as long. Gwen didn’t need to know that part.

“Okay, that’s adorable and now I feel like a jerk,” Gwen said.

“No, don’t,” Alyssa reassured her. “It’s okay, I just wasn’t ready for you to – you know – go straight for that specific question.”

“Noted, I’ll work up to it next time I ask,” Gwen said. “But if it’s any comfort, she definitely wants to bone you.”

“ _Gwen_ ,” Alyssa all but spluttered. This wasn’t fair; she’d only just woken up.

“Hey, I just call it like I see it,” Gwen held her hands up. “Besides, you’re allowed to sleep with your own girlfriend. It’s not against the rules.”

“Come on, she’s not really my girlfriend.”

The words slipped from her lips without permission, and Alyssa immediately clapped a hand over her mouth. She and Gwen looked at each other in shock, and Alyssa could practically see the cogs turning in her roommate’s head.

“You and Emma aren’t together?” she asked slowly.

Alyssa sighed, the fight rushing out of her. She’d well and truly blown it now, so she might as well come clean. To all of it.

“It’s complicated,” she said, taking a deep breath. “But, to cut a long story short, my mother didn’t believe me when I came out to her because I didn’t have a girlfriend. So, I asked Emma to pretend to date me in order to convince my mom about it all. The thing is, she stalks me on social media, so we had to make it look like we were actually a couple on Instagram, which led to us convincing everyone by accident.”

“Including me,” Gwen said, eyebrows in her hairline as she listed to Alyssa with rapt attention.

“Yeah,” Alyssa said apologetically. “I’m sorry for lying to you.”

“Don’t be,” Gwen waved her off immediately. “I mean, I kind of get it. No leaks, you know?”

“Except I messed up just now by telling you,” Alyssa sighed. “And I messed up even more because, well, I just had to go and get a crush on Emma for real and now everything’s all confusing and I feel awful about it and I don’t know what do to.”

“Hey, hey,” Gwen said, apparently sensing that Alyssa was starting to get worked up about this. “I don’t know exactly what’s going on, but you’re a human being. Human beings have feelings, so you shouldn’t feel bad about it.”

Alyssa was still uneasy. “I feel like I’m betraying her trust.”

“Let’s go get brunch,” Gwen suggested. “Or, I guess, lunch. Whatever. The point is, let’s get some food in you and talk this out.”

“Okay,” Alyssa said with a sigh. “Just let me get changed and stuff.”

“Everything will be okay,” Gwen told her. “I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but you have agony aunt Gwen at your service now, okay?”

Alyssa cracked a smile. “Thank you.”

Despite the emotional rollercoaster she’d been on since waking up less than thirty minutes ago, Alyssa’s heart rate started to settle. Maybe Gwen was right, and it would all work out. Maybe she was wrong, and it would all end horribly. But at least now she didn’t have to bear this alone; there would be someone she could talk to about her feelings for Emma. Her _real_ feelings.

And maybe she hadn’t meant to tell Gwen. But now she knew, and she hadn’t yelled at Alyssa for being a terrible person, and maybe this wasn’t the worst mistake she’d ever made after all.

Maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as you can see, i projected me being ill onto emma. sorry, emma.
> 
> at least she had a cute girl to take care of her, which i did not. oh well.
> 
> ANYWAY, comments really are a huge part of what keeps me motivated so please don't hesitate to let me know what you thought about the chapter/the story so far/how dumb you think i can conceivably make emma and alyssa about their feelings in this fic.
> 
> i have 7 chapters tentatively planned and there's some good stuff to come so stay tuned!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so so much to everyone who read and/or commented on the last chapter it means the absolute world! here's chapter 4, and there be gay dumbasses ahead but really, isn't that the whole plot so far?
> 
> enjoy!

“But I think this would be a good opportunity to—Emma?”

Emma was jerked out of her daydream, which may or may not have involved a certain girl with dark eyes, curly hair, and the most adorable dimple she’d ever seen, to see her composition professor staring expectantly at her. Emma blushed, sitting up straighter in her seat and trying to ignore the fact that everyone in her seminar was looking at her. Her mind had been wandering to Alyssa a lot recently, for whatever reason.

“Sorry,” she mumbled.

“I hope it’s the upcoming showcase that’s got you so distracted,” her professor joked.

Emma laughed uneasily. What showcase? “Totally.”

“As I was saying,” the professor said, turning her attention back to the rest of the class. “This showcase will be the perfect opportunity for you to test out your original material. If you’re a singer, find some musicians. If you’re a musician, find a singer. If you’re both, then lucky you. Please submit to me before the end of the week your act name, who’s involved, and the name of the song you’ll be performing. Clear?”

There was a chorus of affirmations from the gathered students, and Emma turned her attention fully to the board, where there was a giant digital flyer advertising the showcase.

 

**SHOWCASE**

Come and see the talent of our Music Composition students!

Friday November 8th– Guild Theatre

Doors open 7pm

Tickets $5, on sale at the Guild Theatre Box Office and on the official university website

Outside friends and family welcome!

 

Great. This showcase was in a week and a half and Emma had nothing. She hadn’t written a song that wasn’t for class since before she’d graduated high school, and she was in kind of a different place now than she had been then. Besides, all the songs she’d written for class felt just like that – written for a purpose other than what she _wanted_ to write.

Maybe she should just find a singer that needed a guitarist and coast through instead.

At the end of class, Emma let out a sigh as she gathered up her things and started to make her way back to her dorm room. She’d give herself chance to write a song, and if she hadn’t done it by the weekend then she’d find someone who needed a musician and just pray that they had a good song that she could learn in five days. She was so preoccupied with her worries about the showcase that she didn’t notice the person she was about to walk into.

“Oof—I’m so sorry, I wasn’t looking—Gwen?”

Gwen rubbed her chin, grimacing a little. “Hey, Emma.”

“Sorry,” Emma said again, her head aching a little from where she’d collided with Alyssa’s roommate.

“Don’t worry about it,” Gwen waved her off. “Class giving you grief?”

“Something like that,” Emma said. “Hey, um, do you know where Alyssa is? She’s been radio silent since lunch.”

“Kaylee’s having a crisis, apparently,” Gwen said. “I don’t know what about. Alyssa’s been on the phone with her for about two hours.”

“She’s been talking to Kaylee for two hours and you still don’t know what it’s about?” Emma asked with a laugh.

Gwen shrugged. “I don’t like to get involved in other people’s business.”

“Right,” Emma said. “I just, uh, was wondering cause we were meant to go for dinner later and I just wanted to make sure she’s okay and stuff.”

“She’s fine,” Gwen said, her lips twitching amusedly. Suddenly, her eyes widened. “Oh, there is something I wanted to ask you, though.”

“Yeah, shoot.”

“Okay, so there’s this Halloween party happening this Thursday that Alyssa and I are going to. She wants to ask you to come too, but she’s hesitating cause she knows parties aren’t really your thing.”

Emma had successfully managed to avoid any and all parties so far at college (the one high school party had been more than enough for her), but maybe going to a party with Alyssa would be more fun? She was a little worried about the inevitable ‘costume’ part of this Halloween party, but what had she been planning to do that night anyway? Attempt to write a song for showcase? Maybe she needed this.

Alyssa certainly needed a break. What’s more, Emma didn’t want to raise questions by not going with her, especially if everyone was going to be constantly uploading to social media all night. Surely she could survive one party for Alyssa’s benefit.

“Of course I’ll come,” Emma said. “Just… nobody better expect me to put on a short skirt or anything.”

“Never,” Gwen scoffed. “I’ll help you find a badass costume, don’t sweat it.”

 

Gwen hadn’t been lying.

Dressed in boots, black jeans, a white v-neck shirt and a black vest-type thing, Emma felt every bit as cool as Han Solo. She fiddled with the blue lightsaber at her side, a frown creasing her brow as she did so.

“I don’t think this is entirely accurate,” she said.

Gwen rolled her eyes. “Do you want a lightsaber or not?”

“Yes,” Emma said immediately.

“Then stop complaining,” Gwen said. She raised her voice. “Alyssa, Emma’s here! Are you ready?”

“Almost, I’m just finishing my lipstick,” came the reply from behind the bathroom door. “Okay, I’m coming out.”

“But we already know you’re a lesbian,” Gwen laughed.

Emma could hear Alyssa’s groan from where she stood, and she bit her lip to stop herself giggling. “We’re gonna be late.”

“It’s a college party, Emma,” Alyssa started, opening the bathroom door and stepping out. “Being late is the whole—holy shit.”

She was stood staring at Emma, frozen in the doorway. Emma, having been dumbstruck by how beautiful Alyssa looked, turned suddenly self-conscious.

“It is okay?” she asked, fiddling with the hem of her half-tucked shirt.

“It’s…” Alyssa swallowed. “You look so hot.”

“Oh,” Emma said, feeling like all the breath had been knocked out of her.

“Told you she’d like it,” Gwen murmured, but Emma barely heard her. She was too busy at last registering what Alyssa was wearing.

“Wait, you’re Hermione,” she said gleefully. “I love the Harry Potter books.”

“I know, you have them all in your room,” Alyssa said. “Out of order, like an animal.”

“Alyssa, you look incredible,” Emma said, ignoring the playful jab. Alyssa had the shirt and the tie and the skirt and even the cloak, and her hair had even more volume than usual.

“Oh, and look at this,” Alyssa said, her eyes lighting up as she pulled a wand from her cloak pocket. “Now I can cast spells on people.”

“Or poke them in the eye if they annoy you,” Gwen pointed out.

She herself was dressed as a Ghostbuster, rounding out their nerdy trio. Emma found herself weirdly looking forward to this party. She’d never been to one with actual friends before. Gwen made them take group pictures, before kidnapping Emma’s phone and insisting on getting a few shots of Emma and Alyssa together.

Emma slipped her arm around Alyssa’s waist, trying not to give away how fast her heart was beating. She couldn’t mess up and let Gwen know that this was all a charade; it would just make things difficult for Alyssa if she did. She saw Alyssa glance at her out of the corner of her eye, and she automatically turned to smile at her right as Gwen took another picture.

“Okay, lovebirds,” Gwen said, handing Emma’s phone back. “We may not be dressed as sexy cheerleaders, or sexy nurses, or sexy nuns, but we’re still going to be the sexiest ones at that damn party. I just know it.”

Alyssa gave Emma a quick once-over, almost like she wasn’t even aware of it, and the tips of Emma’s ears went red. She busied herself by uploading the last picture Gwen had taken of the two of them to Instagram as Gwen and Alyssa made sure they had everything ready to go.

_couples costumes are out. now you and your s/o gotta dress like nerds from different franchises okay those are the rules_

Emma put her phone in the back pocket of her jeans as soon as the others were ready, and together the three of them left the dorm and made the walk over to whichever frat house was the one throwing the party. They all kind of blended together into one for Emma.

As soon as they walked into the house, the wall of sound hit Emma like a freight train. The regular lights were dim, bright flashing colors lighting up the hallway, and the music was cranked up so loud that she could barely hear herself think. Alyssa’s hand in hers stopped her from panicking, though, and they followed Gwen (who seemed more at ease) through the crowd towards the kitchen.

Emma was handed a cup that Gwen had poured for her, and it didn’t actually taste that bad. She sipped it as Gwen poured herself and Alyssa drinks, too, and then Gwen was leaning closer to them and yelling to be heard over the din.

“Either pour your own drinks, or let me do it,” she instructed. “Don’t accept a drink from anyone else, okay?”

Emma nodded and Gwen patted her on the shoulder before nodding towards the living room and leading the way once more. Alyssa glanced at Emma with a nervous smile on her face before taking a drink. Emma squeezed her hand in reassurance as they trailed behind Gwen into the busy space.

She didn’t really know what she was meant to do at this party. Last time, she’d just sat on a couch by herself for most of it, but this time she was here with people (one of whom she was supposed to be dating) and everything was different. It shouldn’t have been a surprise that Gwen dragged them over to where people were dancing, but it still filled Emma with no small amount of dread. She was a terrible dancer.

“Come on!” Gwen yelled, already moving to the beat. Her proton pack narrowly avoided hitting someone behind her, and Emma snorted.

Beside her, Alyssa had her eyes closed, picking up the rhythm and starting to move her body to the music. She had a little smile on her face as she danced to whatever current hit was playing over the sound system, and Emma was enraptured. Alyssa’s eyes opened and she grinned, probably at the way Emma was just standing there while everyone danced around her.

“Alyssa, I—I’m awful at this—” Emma shouted.

“It’s okay,” Alyssa yelled back. “Just copy me!”

Emma watched the way Alyssa’s body moved, trying to imitate the groove she’d gotten herself into, but it was useless. Her body just felt stiff, like she was freezing up and couldn’t move. Alyssa, seeming to take pity on her, moved Emma’s hand to rest on her waist. The room suddenly felt hotter.

Alyssa’s hips moved deliberately from side to side, and it was hypnotizing. Alyssa’s free arm was now slung over Emma’s shoulders, hooking around the back of her neck and drawing the two of them closer. Emma downed the rest of her drink, coughing a little as the alcohol burned her throat, and tried to force her body into copying Alyssa.

When she managed to actually move her hips for the first time, Alyssa’s eyes lit up joyfully. She took a step closer still until they were almost nose to nose, and Emma wrapped both of her arms around the small of Alyssa’s back instinctively. She could smell Alyssa’s perfume, and her conditioner, and it both calmed her and made her heart beat faster. Alyssa leaned close to speak into Emma’s ear, sending shivers down her spine. She hadn’t fully registered before, but Alyssa’s lipstick was really, really red.

“You got it,” she said. “You’re doing so good.”

Emma’s nose was buried in Alyssa’s hair. She closed her eyes, trying to forget about everyone else in the room, and let Alyssa guide her through the dance. Their bodies had gotten closer and closer, to the point where Emma could feel Alyssa’s chest pressed against her own, and it made her feel dizzy. She was dancing. She was actually _dancing_.

So caught up in the elation, Emma forgot her rhythm for a moment and then their whole bodies were pressed together as they practically collided. She heard Alyssa laughing in her ear, but only just, as her own blood rushing through her almost drowned out any other sound. Emma remembered her dream again, which she’d tried so hard to forget, and her mouth went completely dry.

This was too much.

Emma pulled back a little. “I’m gonna get another drink.”

Alyssa nodded, releasing her and blowing her a kiss before turning to search for Gwen, and Emma let out a sigh of relief as she made her escape back to the kitchen. She searched for the same bottle Gwen had used for her first drink, eventually finding it and pouring some into a new solo cup; she’d completely crushed the first one in her hand while dancing with Alyssa.

She leaned against the island in the middle of the kitchen, trying to catch her breath. She’d never danced with anyone quite like that before. She’d barely danced before in her life, but still. Feeling Alyssa that close to her had started to do funny things to her stomach, and Emma wasn’t sure how she felt about it. She took a sip of her drink and spluttered.

“Shit. Mixer.”

Once she’d diluted her drink, she took a deep breath and headed back out to find Alyssa and Gwen. Her heart had stopped racing and she now didn’t feel like she was about to pass out at any moment – which would have been completely embarrassing. Her friends weren’t in the living room anymore, and Emma frowned. She felt a twinge of anxiety at being on her own in the middle of a crowd, but before she could panic too much, Gwen appeared and grabbed her by the wrist.

“Follow me,” she shouted, leading Emma through the throng.

Emma had no idea where they were going, but she let herself be dragged through the house until they were out onto the backyard. There, set up, was a game of beer pong. There was a girl and a guy on one side, and Alyssa was on the other. As soon as she saw Emma, she jumped up and down excitedly.

“Em!” she grinned. “We’re playing gay beer pong!”

“We are?” Emma asked, looking over at their opponents again. Yep, they were both definitely gay. “I’ve only been gone five minutes.”

Gwen pushed her through to the little clearing around the table, staying in the small crowd that were watching. Alyssa beamed at her, eyes just slightly clouded over from the alcohol. She was apparently a lightweight, just like Emma. She threw her arms around Emma in a quick hug, letting go with one arm to face their opponents.

“You’re gonna lose so hard,” she said gleefully.

Emma wasn’t so sure about that. She’d never played beer pong in her life, and she wasn’t sure if Alyssa had either. The other team, though, looked confident. The guy was clearly sporty, and the girl looked smug, like she’d already won. Emma wasn’t sure if she liked the vibe she was giving off, but she let it go.

Alyssa was up first, and missed. She let out a little growl of frustration, which Emma found completely adorable. Emma’s first shot missed, too. The girl went next, and sunk the shot right in one of the middle cups. The guy went next, and narrowly missed. Alyssa drank the beer in the sunk cup, wrinkling her nose at the taste. Emma supposed that cheap college party beer probably wasn’t the best.

Emma went first this time, taking a deep breath before tossing the ping pong ball. To her utter shock, the ball went into one of the cups on the back row. Emma threw her arms up in the air in celebration. Alyssa’s eyes were alight, and even missing her next shot didn’t dampen her spirits.

Again, the girl sunk her shot and the guy missed. This time, Emma drank the beer, forcing the liquid down despite her body’s protest. She could hear Gwen cheering them on from the sidelines.

Alyssa took her shot, and sunk it. She jumped up and down. “Take that!”

Emma wanted to laugh at how competitive she was being. She tried to focus on taking her shot, but her eye caught the way the girl on the opposing team was looking at Alyssa. She eyed her almost like she was hunting. Emma didn’t like that look, for some reason. It distracted her enough that she missed her next shot. To her surprise, neither of the other team sunk their shot in their turn. It was the first time that girl had missed, and Alyssa laughed triumphantly as soon as she did.

“Nice try…” Alyssa said, trailing off in confusion as she apparently realized she had no idea who the girl was.

“Charlie,” the girl said with a wolfish grin. “And I would have made that shot if you hadn’t been distracting me.”

“But I wasn’t doing anything,” Alyssa’s brow creased in confusion.

“Exactly,” Charlie shrugged, and Emma clenched her jaw. Suddenly, she was determined to beat her.

The game picked up, both sides sinking a fair amount of shots. Their audience grew as word travelled that there was an incredibly close and competitive game of beer pong happening between three lesbians and a gay man, and people flocked to the backyard to watch. Emma was barely aware of the crowd, focusing intently on her hand-eye co-ordination, which was better than it had ever been in her life.

In what felt like no time at all, both teams were down to the last cup. Alyssa missed, the pout on her face evident as she did so. She brushed back some hair from her face and fiddled nervously with the end of her tie as Emma lined up to take her shot. Emma took a deep breath, ignoring Charlie’s attempts to psych her out, and threw the ball.

Amazingly, the ball landed in the cup, and the crowd erupted. Emma let out a victory shout, and then she was almost being taken out from the side as Alyssa hugged her tightly. Emma felt like she was on top of the world as she hugged Alyssa back, a grin threatening to split her face.

“We won!” Alyssa exclaimed in her ear. “You did it!”

Maybe parties weren’t so bad after all, Emma reasoned. Her joy was short-lived, though, because Alyssa pulled away when Charlie tapped her on the shoulder. Emma’s blood started to boil in her veins at the way the girl’s eyes were sweeping up and down Alyssa’s body, and she clenched her fists at her sides.

“Good game, Alyssa,” Charlie said, shaking her hand and lingering longer than was strictly necessary. “Rematch later? Maybe one on one?”

“I thought beer pong was a team game,” Alyssa said, completely oblivious to the fact that Charlie was clearly flirting with her.

“Then maybe we should team up instead?” she suggested.

“But I play with Emma,” Alyssa said.

Charlie glanced Emma’s way, clearly not giving a single shit, and Emma glared right back. Didn’t she know that Alyssa was supposedly taken? Emma didn’t know what to do. If she were really Alyssa’s girlfriend, she’d tell Charlie to back off. But she wasn’t really Alyssa’s girlfriend. In reality, Alyssa was single, so if she wanted Charlie then who was Emma to stop her? Still, she would rather claw her own eyeballs out than watch that happen.

Making a choice, Emma slipped her hand into Alyssa’s, fractionally relieved when she felt her hand being squeezed immediately. She looked at Charlie, a challenge in her eyes, and Charlie smirked in response before turning her attention back to Alyssa and leaning closer.

“Can I get you a drink?” she asked. “We could chat, get to know each other a bit.”

Emma wanted to rip Charlie’s face off. She wasn’t even sure why she was reacting this irrationally, but even as Alyssa’s friend she didn’t like this one bit. Charlie gave off the vibe that she was searching for a quick hook-up, and Emma knew that Alyssa wouldn’t want something like that. Alyssa just wasn’t into the idea of one-night stands – or at least that’s what she’d told Emma in the past.

Alyssa glanced between Charlie and Emma, and Emma’s heart stopped for a second because what if this was Alyssa choosing between them? It couldn’t be; she hadn’t even known about Charlie’s existence an hour ago. But the cogs were apparently turning in Alyssa’s brain as she took in Emma’s expression, and her eyes suddenly widened like she’d just realized what Charlie was trying to say.

“No, thanks,” Alyssa said, pressing closer to Emma’s side. “I’m actually here with my girlfriend.”

“Her?” Charlie snorted, looking over at Emma again.

“Yes,” Alyssa said, bristling at Charlie’s tone. Her hand tightened in Emma’s.

“Please,” Charlie scoffed. “She doesn’t look like she’d know a fun time if it knocked her glasses right off her face.”

And, suddenly, Emma felt the childish need to prove her wrong. Alyssa was practically snarling at this point, and Emma didn’t want her to get in trouble for fighting, so she tugged on Alyssa’s hand to spin her around. Her other hand found Alyssa’s red and gold striped tie and, hoping she wasn’t overstepping, she used it to pull Alyssa into a heated kiss.

Emma could hear people around them cheering, but she couldn’t care less about that. All that mattered was the way Alyssa immediately kissed her back, burying her free hand in her hair and pressing herself as close as possible. Emma freed Alyssa’s other hand, pressing her palm into Alyssa’s back through the cloak and leaning further into the kiss. Alyssa’s hand joined the one already in Emma’s hair, snagging on the strands just enough to draw a sudden little gasp from Emma.

Alyssa took full advantage of her parted lips, boldly licking into Emma’s mouth and making her knees buckle. She gripped onto Alyssa’s tie for dear life, unable to shake the feeling that although she herself had initiated the kiss, she’d been very quickly outpaced. Alyssa was kissing her like it was a competitive sport, desperate and just a little messy, and Emma didn’t know if she was going to survive this.

Aside from a few chaste occasions for the benefit of Gwen, or saying goodbye in public on campus, she and Alyssa hadn’t kissed since the first one in Alyssa’s room and, even then, it hadn’t been quite like this. They hadn’t been as close as this, Alyssa’s hands hadn’t been in her hair like this, her tongue hadn’t been in Emma’s mouth like this…

Emma knew she was a little drunk, and she suspected Alyssa was, too. She reasoned that if they were sober, this probably wouldn’t be happening. God, she was glad it was happening. Alyssa’s teeth grazed her bottom lip, and Emma moaned. She felt Alyssa’s fingers tighten in her hair in response, and if she’d thought that dancing with her earlier had been overwhelming, then this kiss was a million times more so.

And yet, she didn’t ever want to stop.

That thought effectively shut down her brain completely. Alyssa broke the kiss as soon as Emma stopped responding, her chest rising and falling rapidly against the back of Emma’s hand, which had been sandwiched between their bodies. Emma’s eyes were closed, but she could still feel it. After what felt like an eternity, Emma opened her eyes to see Alyssa staring back at her, wide-eyed and a little shell-shocked. Her pupils were blown, probably from the alcohol, and her lips were still slightly parted. Her lipstick was smudged around her mouth, and she lifted her hand to wipe some off the corner of Emma’s lips. The very idea that Alyssa’s lipstick was on her face made Emma feel light-headed.

At last tearing her gaze away from Alyssa, Emma looked up and saw Charlie, sour-faced and turning on her heel. She stalked away, and Emma felt a roar of victory in her chest. Victory in that she’d succeeded in getting Charlie to leave Alyssa alone, of course, nothing more. It _couldn’t_ be anything more, because if it was… The crowd dispersed, sensing the entertainment was over, and Emma flinched as Gwen’s hands landed on her shoulders from behind.

“That was hot,” Gwen commented gleefully.

 

The three of them decided to ditch the party after that and, despite Gwen’s offer to spend the night in her friend’s dorm, Emma dropped Alyssa off with Gwen at their room. She did kiss Alyssa goodbye, though, still a little tipsy and still reeling from their earlier – very public – kiss. It would probably have made Gwen suspicious if she didn’t kiss Alyssa goodnight, but Emma recognized that she probably lingered in the kiss a little longer than strictly necessary.

Alyssa didn’t seem to mind, though. She’d gone quite sleepy on the way back, leaning into Emma’s side as they’d walked, and now she sighed happily against Emma’s lips. Emma felt her heart lurch in her chest as she imagined Alyssa doing the same thing as they woke up one day, tangled together beneath the bedsheets.

Oh no. Oh shit.

Emma pulled away. “Goodnight.”

“Night,” Alyssa said with a tired smile. She didn’t seem to notice anything different about Emma, which was a relief.

Gwen, however, narrowed her eyes at Emma. She didn’t say anything, but her lips eventually curved up into a smile as she regarded her. Emma felt very small under her gaze, and she didn’t quite know why. Gwen bade her goodnight, too, and then she was shutting the door softly behind them.

Emma let out a deep breath, turning and walking towards her own room as the tsunami finally hit her, and the realization of what she – on some level – had known for a while washed over her without mercy.

She had feelings for Alyssa.

This couldn’t be happening. This was exactly what Emma had promised herself wouldn’t happen, and yet here she was. She’d no doubt ruined everything by developing a crush, because the whole point of fake dating someone was that it wasn’t real. This thing with Alyssa wasn’t real, and never would be, and Emma had to accept that.

She needed an outlet.

Finding her dorm once again empty (seriously, she was starting to wonder if her roommate lived in an alternate dimension), Emma grabbed her guitar from its stand and sat on the edge of her bed. She picked up a notepad and pencil from her bedside table, puffing out her cheeks as she closed her eyes. Instantly, her fingers flew along the fretboard and she picked out a melody. It was a slightly melancholy one, and it was definitely shaping up to be a ballad, but maybe that was what she needed.

Emma started humming along, words already taking form in her mind. It felt like something she would have written in high school, only more mature; more evolved, even if it came from the same heartfelt place. Because now she knew what she was going to do about the showcase.

It took her all night, and she was dead on her feet for her class the next day, but Emma had a completed song ready for the showcase – as well as a whole new layer of difficulty to her life.

 

* * *

 

“You’re so whipped,” Gwen said with a snort, turning around to face Alyssa as she walked backwards down the path.

“Shut up,” Alyssa said. She wondered if it was wrong to hope that Gwen tripped over something in the darkness. “And please don’t give away that you know we’re—”

“—Not actually dating, I know,” Gwen rolled her eyes. “We’ve been over this. Besides, I’ve known for weeks and my lips have remained sealed.”

“Thank you,” Alyssa said. “Sorry, I just don’t want her to get mad at me for letting it slip or something. Or for her to ask why I told you, cause then that would just lead to me trying to avoid talking about my feelings for her and it would just get messy.”

“I still think you should talk to her about how you feel,” Gwen shrugged. “I haven’t spoken to her about it or anything, but I think she has feelings for you, too.”

“Well she thinks that you think that we’re together,” Alyssa reasoned. “So of course she’s acting like she has feelings for me in front of you.”

“Alyssa,” Gwen sighed. “I love you, girl, but you’re an idiot.”

“I can’t even begin to think about all that,” Alyssa explained, ignoring the insult. “I just… don’t wanna get my hopes up. We’re here to support Emma as her _friends_ tonight.”

“Then why did you bring flowers and I didn’t?” Gwen raised an eyebrow.

Alyssa ignored her, clutching the bouquet tightly. Maybe Gwen should just learn to mind her own business. Gwen stumbled a little, turning around to walk forwards again as Alyssa hid a smirk. She thought she’d been making a good point, though; tonight was Emma’s showcase and it was important to her. Alyssa wouldn’t miss the chance to hear Emma sing, especially because she’d been so cagey about the song she’d written for tonight. She knew she wouldn’t be able to see Emma until after everyone had performed, but she’d texted her earlier to tell her to break a leg.

She and Gwen handed their tickets to the bored-looking student at the door, who pointed them in the general direction of their seats. Alyssa had never been in the Guild Theatre before, although she knew it was where the Drama Society put on their productions. Their next show was _Shrek_ , which was being billed as their winter musical, and Alyssa wondered whether she should drag Emma and Gwen to see it next month.

Gwen managed to locate their seats, in one of the middle rows, and they sat down and waited for the showcase to begin. Unwilling to put them on the floor, Alyssa rested the flowers on her lap, and ignored the little bit of chatter she could hear as people spotted her. Since the _scene_ at the Halloween party, a lot more people now knew about her and Emma. They’d either been watching in person as Emma had stuck it to Charlie by pulling Alyssa into a kiss, or they’d watched Instagram stories that had documented the conclusion of the beer pong game and resulting near-fight. Alyssa wasn’t sure how many people in total had seen her shove her tongue down Emma’s throat, but it was enough to raise the profile of their relationship even more. It was like with every passing day, the situation became more and more complicated.

Alyssa sometimes wondered what would happen once they ended the charade, because surely they’d have to at some point. One day, Emma was going to fall in love with a girl for real, and Alyssa couldn’t be the one to hold her back from that. No matter how she herself felt about Emma, she knew she had to respect what Emma wanted, too. Even if that kiss at the party had been the single hottest moment of her life (not that there’d been a lot to compare it to so far, but still), it didn’t mean that Emma had felt the same about it. They’d both been drinking, and Emma had just been putting on a good show to make sure Charlie got the message that Alyssa wasn’t interested. That’s all it had been – a show.

The presenter for the evening took the stage, distracting Alyssa from her thoughts. This woman, according to Emma, was the composition professor, but Alyssa found it hard to completely focus on what it was she was saying. In fact, it took her until halfway through the third act to really tune in and be present. She felt a little bad for the people whose performances she’d missed, and promised to do better with the rest of them.

She had no idea when Emma was performing; Grace had the little playbill-esque booklet they’d been handed on their way in and Alyssa didn’t want to be _that_ person who talked when someone else was performing. The songs had been good so far – some better than others – but it was always in the back of Alyssa’s mind that she was going to hear Emma sing again. And this time it was going to be an original.

After what seemed like an eternity, a stool was placed in the middle of the stage. Emma walked on from the wings, holding her guitar in her hand, and Alyssa’s pulse quickened immediately. She saw Gwen looking at her out of the corner of her eye, but she kept her gaze fixed on Emma as she took her seat and settled the guitar in her lap. Emma took a deep breath, and then her fingers were plucking out a gentle melody.

There hadn’t been many acts of just one person thus far, and it made what Emma was doing seem even more special. It was just her and a guitar, in the middle of the stage, and yet every person was already transfixed. Alyssa felt like she was holding her breath as she waited for Emma to start singing.

As soon as the first words left Emma’s mouth, Alyssa knew she wasn’t going to make it through this song without crying. It was slow, and sad, and about unrequited love, and it cut right through Alyssa’s chest to her heart. Emma sung about repressing your feelings for the benefit of those around you, and not wanting to accept the things you already knew to be true, and about that one brief flicker of hope and happiness when you finally realize, before it gets crushed by reality.

It spoke so much to everything Alyssa had been feeling ever since she’d first kissed Emma, and it left her completely breathless. Emma’s voice was so beautiful, and so clear, and Alyssa never wanted her to stop singing. Her fingers moved deftly over the fretboard as she changed chords, her other hand plucking the strings without a single mistake. It was awe-inspiring, and even without her bias Alyssa knew that Emma’s performance had been the best so far.

The applause when Emma finished the song was thunderous, and hot tears spilled from Alyssa’s eyes as she clapped along with the rest of them. Emma’s eyes found her in the crowd, just for a moment, and then her gaze dropped to her own feet as she awkwardly bowed and scurried back off the stage.

Wordlessly, Gwen passed Alyssa a tissue.

 

Alyssa couldn’t help the way she practically flew at Emma as soon as she emerged from the theatre, jumping into her arms without really thinking it through. Emma staggered a little as she tried to balance them both, but then the hand not clutching her guitar case was holding Alyssa up. There were still people milling around, waiting for their friends, but Alyssa ignored them all.

“That song was incredible,” Alyssa murmured so that only Emma could hear her. “And it made me cry.”

“Sorry,” Emma said.

Alyssa pulled back. “No, please don’t be sorry. It was beautiful, I just… um, doesn’t matter.”

She coughed a little, letting go of Emma and presenting her with the slightly squashed bouquet. Emma’s entire body softened when she saw them, and she bit down hard on her bottom lip as she took them from Alyssa’s hands.

“I didn’t know what kind to get you, and honestly I don’t really know that much about flowers,” Alyssa started nervously. “But these looked pretty and colorful and like the right ones to choose, so here.”

“Thanks,” Emma said quietly. “I, um, I’m glad you liked the song.”

“I loved it,” Alyssa corrected. “How did you even… like where did all that emotion come from?”

Emma’s eyes widened for a split second before she hugged the flowers to her chest and shrugged. “Uh, you know, just… messing around on guitar and I found something that worked. Watched some sad movies and stuff.”

“It’s not fair that you’re this talented,” Alyssa said. “Can—can you play for me sometime?”

“I—yeah, of course,” Emma said, sounding a little surprised. “If you want.”

God, Emma had no right being this amazing, and this beautiful, and this humble. Alyssa wanted to kiss her so badly right now; her lips looked so inviting and Alyssa just knew they’d be soft against her own. Technically, there was nothing stopping her from kissing Emma, but she felt weird about it. This was her wanting to kiss Emma for _her_ , not for appearances, and so maybe it would be a line best left uncrossed. That being said, everything within her was screaming at her to do it anyway.

“Alyssa?”

“What?” Alyssa snapped out of her tunnel vision to see Gwen looking at her expectantly. Oh, right. Gwen was here, too.

“I said, do you wanna go for late night waffles?” Gwen asked. “Well, it’s only nine, but still.”

“Uh, sure,” Alyssa said, turning to look at Emma hopefully. “Coming?”

“Yeah, just let me drop my guitar back off at my dorm,” Emma said. “I’ll meet you guys back here and we can walk to the Waffle House?”

“Great,” Alyssa said, trying in vain to ignore the butterflies in her stomach that seemed to be a permanent fixture whenever she talked to Emma.

Emma glanced oh-so briefly in Gwen’s direction before leaning in and brushing a light kiss against Alyssa’s cheek. Alyssa’s heart stuttered in her chest, and she felt kind of pathetic about it. All she wanted to do was just grab Emma’s face and kiss her so thoroughly that they both forgot their own names, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it.

“See you in ten,” Emma said, giving her one last smile before turning and walking away in the direction of the dorms.

Alyssa sighed, watching as Emma held the flowers close to her as she walked. Gwen whistled lowly, coming to stand shoulder to shoulder with Alyssa. She folded her arms across her chest as they both watched Emma go.

“I retract my original statement,” she said. “You’re both whipped.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! feel free to yell at me to give them a braincell - i can't promise i'll listen but i really do welcome the feedback!
> 
> we've now officially entered the Mutual Pining stage of the fic - yay for progress!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im back again with even more dumbassery enjoy

“Why do donuts taste this good if they’re apparently bad for you?” Gwen asked with a sigh.

Emma shrugged, taking another bite of her own. “Everything that tastes good is bad for you.”

“Don’t even think about turning that into a joke,” Alyssa warned Gwen immediately, who deflated somewhat.

“Spoilsport.”

The three of them were hanging out in Alyssa and Gwen’s room, each of them meant to be doing homework but each of them ignoring it in favor of eating and talking. Gwen was sat cross-legged on her own bed, and Emma was sat shoulder to shoulder with Alyssa on the side of her bed. It had become somewhat of a familiar situation ever since the Halloween party. Maybe it was because Emma felt a little more like she could breathe when Gwen was with them; just her and Alyssa by themselves opened up a plethora of ways that things could go wrong if Emma was to slip up and spill her real feelings. At least with Gwen, she could be as couple-y as she wanted with Alyssa with a lot less of the guilt.

“Anyway,” Gwen continued. “Got any plans for the Thanksgiving break, Emma?”

“Nope,” Emma said. “I was going to spend some time in Ohio with my grandma, but she called me the other day to say that she’d booked a last-minute vacation with some of the people in her basketball group, so it looks like I’m staying here.”

“Basketball group?” Gwen asked. “Like, they go to watch games together?”

“No,” Alyssa supplied with a grin. “They’re the ones playing the games.”

Gwen whistled. “Good for them.”

“I know, right?” Alyssa said, taking another bite of her donut. “I keep telling Em that it’s the coolest thing ever.”

Emma looked over to smile at Alyssa, failing to supress a laugh when she noticed the chocolate filling that Alyssa had managed to miss her mouth with. Gwen snorted too, and Alyssa’s brow furrowed in confusion as she looked at Emma.

“You’ve got a little—” Emma gestured vaguely to her own face, an idea striking her. “Wait, let me…”

Alyssa was clearly expecting her to wipe it off with her thumb or something, but Emma had a different plan. She didn’t know why exactly she’d chosen _this_ specifically, but there was no doubt in her mind that Gwen’s reaction would be funny. Leaning close, Emma stuck her tongue out and licked the chocolate off the corner of Alyssa’s mouth. She heard the hitch in Alyssa’s breath as she did so, and tried not to instantly regret her decision.

When she drew back, Alyssa was almost frozen in place. The only thing that moved were her eyes, which flickered down to Emma’s lips so quickly she wondered if she’d imagined it. Had she? No, she couldn’t afford to think like that; it would only lead to disappointment in the long run.

Emma had at least been right about Gwen’s reaction. She heard fake gagging coming from her direction, which she had expected – and then a pillow hit her in the face, which she hadn’t expected.

“Do I have to get a spray bottle?” Gwen asked. “Y’know, like you have for cats.”

Alyssa, having regained her composure, rolled her eyes. “Do you have a mute button?”

“No, I was mistakenly assembled without one,” Gwen said dryly. “I’m offended, you should know this by now.”

“Sorry, your majesty,” Alyssa said.

Gwen laughed. “Asshole.”

Alyssa’s retort died on her tongue as the sound of her phone ringing distracted all three of them. Emma watched as Alyssa’s eyebrows shot up, presumably as she read the caller ID. She answered the phone, putting it to her ear.

“Hi, mom,” she said.

Emma glanced over in time to see Gwen pull a face, before settling her gaze on Alyssa once more.

“I’m fine, how are you?” Alyssa said, listening for a long period of time as her mother seemingly updated her. “No, I’m doing homework right now.”

Emma bit down on her bottom lip to stop herself laughing. Alyssa narrowed her eyes at her for a second. Suddenly, Alyssa’s expression changed, and she stuttered in surprise for a moment.

“Things—things with Emma are great,” she said, and Emma immediately snapped to attention. “I… thank you for asking.”

Emma softened, reaching out to squeeze Alyssa’s knee through her sweatpants. She knew that Alyssa’s mother had been a little iffy about their relationship, and still hadn’t really apologized for her comments to Alyssa during the summer. It had actually been a little while, to her knowledge, since Alyssa and her mother had talked about Emma.

“Really?” Alyssa seemed completely baffled. “I mean—I’ll ask her. No, she doesn’t currently have any plans, but—okay, yeah, thanks mom.”

Emma exchanged a quizzical glance with Gwen, who shrugged. Clearly, she was none the wiser about what was currently happening. Alyssa spoke to her mother for a few more minutes before saying her goodbyes and hanging up. She stared at the phone in her hand for a long moment before taking a deep breath and looking up at Emma.

“My mom just invited you to Thanksgiving.”

 

* * *

 

Alyssa was a little surprised at the lack of freaking out on Emma’s part.

“I can make up an excuse,” she told Emma, pacing back and forth. “You don’t actually have to meet her. That was one of the first things I promised you and I meant it.”

She almost said more, before she remembered that Gwen was here and – although she knew the true nature of their relationship – Emma didn’t know that. So, she cut off her next sentence before it could spill out of her mouth. Gwen, perhaps seeming to sense this, stood from her bed and slipped on some shoes.

“I’m gonna go call James,” she said. “Give you guys some privacy.”

Emma looked completely bemused at that, but Gwen was gone before she could question her about it. She turned her attention back to Alyssa, who was still feeling just the slightest bit stressed. Okay, maybe she was more than slightly stressed.

“Really, Emma, you don’t have to meet her,” she continued. “I wouldn’t really wish my mother on a real girlfriend, let alone a fake one.”

Emma winced slightly, and Alyssa wondered if maybe she’d been too blunt. But it wasn’t a real relationship, as much as she wanted it to be, and it was important that she kept reminding herself of that fact.

“Alyssa,” Emma said firmly, standing up and catching Alyssa by the shoulders. “It’s okay. I’ll go.”

“You’ll…”

“I’d be bored out of my mind here by myself,” Emma explained with a shrug. “Plus, I already had the money for the plane ticket set aside, and I would just spend it on stupid stuff otherwise.”

Alyssa laughed a little at that. “I just… are you sure?”

“Totally,” Emma said. “Besides, even if your excuse works, isn’t the whole point of this charade to make her take us – and you – seriously? What better way to do that than act like a couple right in front of her eyes?”

“I—I guess that makes sense,” Alyssa said quietly. She couldn’t quite believe Emma was actually agreeing to this, and she suddenly felt like the holidays were going to get a lot more interesting.

“I told you when I first agreed to be your fake girlfriend that if it can help improve your situation with your mother, then I’m in,” Emma said softly. “That hasn’t changed. And something tells me that she still hasn’t quite gotten her head around you having a girlfriend.”

She wasn’t wrong about that.

“Maybe me being there will help spark a real conversation between the two of you,” Emma continued. “Don’t you think it’s worth a try?”

“I do,” Alyssa said, breathing a lot easier now. Emma’s eyes were so warm and earnest, that Alyssa found herself letting go of a lot of the tension she’d been holding. “God, remind me to get you the thank you gift to end all thank you gifts.”

Emma laughed lightly, and Alyssa hugged her. She closed her eyes and wound her arms around Emma’s waist, resting her chin on her shoulder as she let herself exhale. After a moment, Emma’s arms slid around her shoulders and she squeezed her gently. With every touch, Alyssa felt herself falling further and further. She knew she was completely screwed but, in moments like these, having feelings for Emma didn’t seem like as much of a bad thing.

 

Alyssa spent a lot of time between that day, and the day she and Emma would fly to Indiana, wondering if there was anything specifically she could do to make sure that her mother took her and Emma seriously as a couple – to make sure that it wasn’t a wasted trip for Emma. Maybe if she made a point to curl up next to Emma on the couch as they watched the big Thanksgiving parade in New York City, or if she were to casually kiss Emma in front of her, then it might force a conversation.

Because, for all she hadn’t said anything outwardly homophobic, her mom had been kind of dismissive lately of the fact that Alyssa supposedly had a girlfriend. Or, at the very least, she seemed to believe that their relationship was somehow _less_ than if Alyssa were dating a guy. Which was endlessly frustrating, and it had to stop.

So, Alyssa needed a plan.

It wasn’t until two days before their flight that Alyssa came up with this plan. She was on the phone with her mom, the two of them finalizing the arrangements and Alyssa confirming that, yes, she had packed everything she would need for the week they would be in Indiana. Mrs Greene finished explaining for the hundredth time where Alyssa and Emma should meet her after their plane landed (the place marked ‘arrivals’, who knew?) and Alyssa was about to end the call when—

“Oh, the spare room’s been converted into a little space for my at-home yoga and light cardio,” Mrs Greene said, which was completely out of the blue for Alyssa. “But Emma can sleep in your room, can’t she?”

Alyssa’s jaw dropped a little. “I… guess? But, mom, doesn’t that kind of go against the policy you drew up for me last year?”

Said policy had been created before Alyssa had come out, and had stated in no uncertain terms that Alyssa was not allowed to be alone in her room with a boy under any circumstances, lest something ‘untoward’ happen. It had made Alyssa kind of want to throw up, and was the moment she’d started dropping hints that she wasn’t interested in boys.

“Well,” Mrs Greene cleared her throat. “This is different. Because, you know, girls don’t… do that.”

Alyssa sat up straighter in her bed, noticing out of the corner of her eye that Gwen had stopped what she was doing and was listening curiously to Alyssa’s side of the conversation. She tried to figure out the best way to go about this.

“Mom,” she started slowly. “I’m in a relationship, with a woman, and have been for the past two months. Surely you can’t believe that we haven’t—”

“Alyssa!” her mom cut her off.

“You said, the day you found out about me and Emma, that I should always say no to sex,” Alyssa pressed. “What happened to that?”

“I did some thinking, and I realized that if there’s no man in the relationship, then there’s no desire to… procreate,” Mrs Greene said, like it was the most logical thing in the world.

Alyssa couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She glanced at Gwen, who looked beyond confused even if Alyssa could tell that this was also very entertaining for her. Turning her focus back to her mom, she tried to make sense of it all. If her mom truly believed that, then what kind of things had _her_ mother taught her about relationships? In a way, it was really quite sad, but Alyssa didn’t want to dwell on the implications of what her mom was saying.

She sighed, sensing that she probably wasn’t going to get anywhere with this today. It would just be another thing on the never-ending list that she needed to talk through with her mother, if only she were allowed to properly express her opinion.

“Yes, Emma can sleep in my room,” Alyssa said tiredly.

“Okay, then that’s the last problem sorted,” her mom said cheerily. “I’ve got to get going to bed now, sweetie, but I’ll see you in a couple days.”

“See you then,” Alyssa said. “Bye, mom.”

The line went dead, and then Alyssa was just staring into space for a few minutes, trying to process what the hell kind of crack her mother was on. Eventually, Gwen spoke up.

“Okay, what the fuck?”

“I don’t know,” Alyssa muttered, completely bewildered. “Clearly, she’s on a whole other level of denial.”

“What, does she not think that lesbians are capable of having a sex drive?” Gwen asked.

“That’s exactly what she thinks,” Alyssa said, dropping her phone onto the bed and running her hands through her hair. “Which is why… I’ve got to prove her wrong.”

Gwen snorted. “And how exactly are you going to do that?”

“I don’t know,” Alyssa said, tapping the fingers of one of her hands against her chin distractedly. Her mind felt like it was going a million miles a minute. “Wait, yes I do.”

“I can’t wait to hear this,” Gwen commented gleefully.

“Provided Emma’s okay with it,” Alyssa said, “we let my mom catch us.”

“Hold up, your plan is to literally _fuck_ Emma just so that your mom can walk in and—”

“What? No!” Alyssa defended herself quickly. “I wouldn’t ask her to go _that_ far! And I also don’t want to give my mother an actual heart attack. Just… maybe if we made it look like there was _intent_ … we could pull that off, right?”

“Well, your form at that Halloween party suggests that you could,” Gwen teased. “But seriously, this is perhaps the most elaborate fake relationship I’ve ever seen. Why don’t you and Emma just start dating for real and be done with it?”

“She doesn’t like me like that,” Alyssa said with a shrug, trying not to show how much that fact affected her.

“Did she say that?” Gwen asked, voice suddenly softer.

“No, but she doesn’t have to,” Alyssa said.

Gwen grabbed her textbook and just barely stopped herself from slamming it into her own forehead. “Alyssa, I swear…”

“She’s just being a good friend,” Alyssa protested.

“Of course!” Gwen barked out a laugh. “Is that why she’s kept this up for two months and hasn’t so much as looked at another girl?”

“Well she knows that if she did, we wouldn’t be a credible couple,” Alyssa pointed out.

“You two didn’t have to take this to internet,” Gwen said, voice rising in volume. “She didn’t have to kiss you in front of everyone at that party. Nobody’s making her post candid shots of you on her Instagram story. Why else do you think she’s doing all that if not because she has real feelings for you?”

“Because she’s trying to sell it!” Alyssa shouted. “Because she’s a good—”

“—If you say ‘friend’, I’m going to—”

“A good friend,” Alyssa said, ignoring Gwen. “And that’s all there is to—”

Alyssa ducked suddenly as the textbook went flying past her head. It hit the wall with a solid smack, and Alyssa whipped her head around to glare at her roommate.

“Are you insane?” she squeaked. “You could have brained me with that.”

“Or maybe I would have knocked some fucking sense into you instead,” Gwen growled. “Alyssa, you’re so intelligent. So why are you being such a dumbass?”

“I’m not,” Alyssa insisted. “I just don’t want to get my hopes up! I don’t want to tell her how I feel, because that will just ruin everything when she says she doesn’t feel the same way. The plan will fall apart, everyone will probably think we were faking to get attention or something, and most importantly: I’ll lose Emma!”

She choked on a sudden, surprisingly violent, sob. Gwen softened immediately, getting up from her own bed to sit with her. Alyssa collapsed sideways into her arms as tears started to fall.

“I can’t lose her, Gwen,” she said.

“I know,” Gwen soothed her. “But, unlike the two of you, I’m not a dumbass. I see how she looks at you, Alyssa. Maybe she didn’t know it for a while, but she likes you for real. I’m sure of it.”

“Please don’t say that,” Alyssa said miserably. “I can’t—”

“Hey,” Gwen shushed her. “Get Thanksgiving over with first. Then once you come back, we can talk about this properly. Because, as much as I hate to say it, this can’t go on forever.”

“I know,” Alyssa sighed. “But I just don’t want to think that there’ll be a last time we walk around holding hands, or a last time we kiss.”

“She’s a good kisser, then?”

Alyssa closed her eyes. “You have no idea. I didn’t… I didn’t know it was possible for a kiss to make me feel so…”

She trailed off, not having the words to even come close to describing how kissing Emma made her feel. Gwen rubbed her upper arm comfortingly.  
“Well, I’m not going to stop you from pitching this headass plan to Emma,” she said. “Who knows, maybe it’ll lead to some honest conversations for the two of you, too. But please don’t put yourself in any kind of danger with your mom, and _please_ remember to keep me updated on the shenanigans you and Emma get up to because it’s how I get my daily entertainment.”

Alyssa let out a watery laugh. “Okay, fine.”

 

* * *

 

“My mom thinks lesbians don’t have sex,” Alyssa said, practically storming into Emma’s room with her suitcase in tow.

Emma blinked a few times, still holding the door open. “Good morning, Alyssa.”

“Sorry,” Alyssa snorted. “I didn’t mean for that to be the first thing I said to you today.”

“It’s alright,” Emma said, closing the door behind her and crossing the room to pick up her suitcase and backpack. “It’s just… not what I was expecting to hear. Care to give me some context?”

“The spare room is out of commission, so she wants you to sleep in my room with me,” Alyssa explained. “I asked why she was okay with that and she went off on a whole thing about girls not wanting sex.”

“Oh.”

“Honestly, I think it comes from her being told all her life that women having desire is sinful,” Alyssa said with a sigh. “But that’s, like, a big thing to unpack and I’m not sure if I have the mental energy for it.”

“That’s fair,” Emma said. “So, is that why she’s been kinda dismissive of us lately?”

“I think so,” Alyssa nodded. She took a deep breath. “I have an idea.”

“Am I going to like this idea?” Emma joked.

Alyssa’s eyes went wide for a split-second. “I—I don’t know, uh, you’re welcome to shoot me down in flames if you think it’s a bad plan, or if it pushes things too far, I just—”

Alyssa cut herself off, taking another deep breath. Emma was more than a little confused; if she didn’t know better, she’d say Alyssa was nervous to pitch this idea – whatever it was – to her. Honestly, she was still a little stuck on the ‘girls not wanting sex’ part of this conversation.

“I think the only way to change her mind on that is to let her catch us,” Alyssa said, eyes screwed shut. “Just making out, in my room or on my bed or something, I’d never ask you to—to… you know.”

Emma’s brain stuttered, and went completely dead. Was Alyssa asking what she thought she was asking? This morning was already shaping up to be… a lot.

“I just thought that if we made it look like it was leading somewhere, then it might be the wake up call she needs to start treating a lesbian relationship like any other relationship,” Alyssa carried on hurriedly. It brought Emma back to how nervous Alyssa had been when she’d first asked Emma to fake date her, and it was enough to kick start her brain back into some sort of functionality.

“I—okay,” Emma said, a little breathless.

Alyssa, who had clearly been about to backtrack on her pitch, stopped in her tracks. “What?”

“I mean, it’s not like we’ve never made out before,” Emma said, shrugging as she tried to fight down the blush on her cheeks at the memories that flooded her mind from Halloween.

Maybe this was a huge mistake, considering how she felt about Alyssa, but surely she could let herself be selfish just this once. Besides, Alyssa had been the one to suggest it, so Emma didn’t feel like it crossed as much of a line as Emma had briefly thought she herself had crossed at the party. This would be on Alyssa’s terms, and Emma was more than okay with that.

“Are you sure?” Alyssa asked. “I know this is… a lot to ask, especially with you being subjected to my mother in the first place.”

“Of course I’m sure,” Emma said. “Besides, you’re acting like making out with you is a chore.”

Emma flailed internally for a bit, wondering what the hell had possessed her to say that, but Alyssa didn’t seem to be too weirded out by it, thankfully. God, Emma had to be more careful about what she said, or Alyssa would definitely work out that Emma liked her for real. And she couldn’t afford to let that happen, because then she’d surely call off this whole thing and want nothing more to do with her.

“We should get going,” Emma said, clearing her throat. “Plane’s not gonna wait for us.”

“Yeah,” Alyssa said, fiddling with the hem of her sweater. “Let’s go.”

 

Emma hadn’t been back in Indiana since her parents had kicked her out of their house a little over two years ago, but she tried not to think about that too much as they collected their baggage on the other side of security. The flight hadn’t been that bad – she and Alyssa had spent the duration listening to some of Alyssa’s playlists and there hadn’t been anyone else in their row – and now it was just a case of Emma psyching herself up to meet Alyssa’s mother for the first time.

After all, she didn’t have the best track record with adults in this state not hating her.

Alyssa, perhaps sensing this, laced her fingers with Emma earlier than strictly necessary. Emma was grateful for that, even though holding hands with a girl out in the open so far away from California made her a little nervous, and she squeezed Alyssa’s hand in thanks. They rounded the corner, and there she was.

Emma had seen enough photos of Mrs Greene to recognize her instantly, and she gripped Alyssa’s hand tightly as they approached. Alyssa’s mother was wearing a light-colored pantsuit and a stern expression, although she pulled Alyssa into a slightly uncomfortable hug as soon as she was close enough.

“Hi, sweetie,” she said.

Alyssa let go of Emma’s hand to pat her mother somewhat awkwardly on the back. “Hey, mom.”

They drew back from the hug, and Emma took a deep breath. “Nice to meet you, Mrs Greene.”

She held out her hand, which Mrs Greene shook, and tried not to cower at the way she was being scrutinized. She wondered if Alyssa was sure about her mom being dismissive of them, because she certainly wasn’t acting like it right now.

“You too, Emma, my daughter tells me a lot about you.”

“She does?”

Acting the part (although there wasn’t any acting required), Emma smiled at Alyssa, who looked down at her feet. It was completely adorable. Emma reached out to take Alyssa’s hand again, and she thought she saw Alyssa bite back a grin.

The first thing Emma thought about Alyssa’s house when they got there was that it was pretty nice, even considering her mom’s job as an Estate Agent. It was certainly bigger than the house Emma had lived in with her grandma, at any rate. She dropped her bags off in Alyssa’s room, which was painted a pretty shade of lilac and was airy and bright, and made herself busy helping Alyssa to set the table for dinner.

She couldn’t stop her mind from drifting to Alyssa’s plan, and when it was going to happen. They hadn’t spoken about it since that morning, but Emma kind of hoped that it wasn’t going to happen today; she was kind of tired already and would appreciate sleeping in a bed tonight rather than on a couch – which is where she might end up sleeping if their plan was successful.

After they’d eaten, Emma was well and truly ready to pass out. Homecooked meals always made her feel sleepy and lethargic, and so she didn’t even have the energy to get nervous about sharing a bed with Alyssa. And, sure, they’d shared a bed once in the past – but Emma had been too sick to really worry, and her embarrassment at waking up cuddling Alyssa had been short-lived as she’d realized how long she’d slept in for.

Emma fell asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow and, predictably, she woke up with her face inches away from Alyssa’s. She turned over quietly, trying not to wake the girl next to her, and forced herself to go back to sleep.

 

It was the next day, the evening before Thanksgiving, when Alyssa not-so-subtly took Emma’s hand and led her up to her room. Butterflies immediately kicked off in Emma’s stomach, and she tried to temper them to no avail as Alyssa shut the door none too quietly behind them. She leaned against it, looking at Emma a little nervously.

“Still time to say no to this insanity,” she said.

“I’m not backing out now,” Emma promised. “And your mom definitely saw us leave. We’re probably not gonna get another shot at this plan.”

“Okay,” Alyssa nodded decisively. “Get on the bed.”

Emma almost choked on her own intake of breath. “Sure, yeah.”

It took her by surprise, how much she was affected by Alyssa being even remotely assertive. She sat on Alyssa’s bed, with her upper back against the headboard, feeling completely ridiculous and out of her depth. The only thing that made her feel better was that she could tell Alyssa was nervous, too. Alyssa followed her, climbing onto the bed and – after a moment’s hesitation – she settled herself in Emma’s lap.

Emma swallowed, feeling Alyssa’s comforting weight on her thighs. She didn’t know what to do with her hands, so she let them rest gently on the curve of Alyssa’s waist. Alyssa’s own hands landed on Emma’s shoulders, fingers tapping out a staccato rhythm as they both waited.

“What if your mom doesn’t come and check on us?” Emma murmured.

“She will,” Alyssa said, although she didn’t sound too confident. “She’s too nosy not to.”

Sure enough, a minute later they heard Mrs Greene call out for Alyssa from downstairs. Emma locked eyes with Alyssa, and she knew now that this was probably about to kill her. But what a way to go. They waited until they could hear footsteps starting to head towards the stairs, and then Alyssa took a deep breath.

“I’m going to kiss you now,” she said.

Emma didn’t have time to dwell on how she herself had said the same thing to Alyssa prior to their first kiss before their lips met. Immediately, the kiss was intense in nature, and Emma’s brain felt like it had been left behind somewhere – maybe downstairs, maybe at the airport, or maybe even back in California.

She kissed back enthusiastically, drawing Alyssa’s body closer to hers and trying to burn every second of this into her mind forever. After all, this relationship was a lie, and all lies had an expiration date. She intended to remember as much of this as she could for as long as possible. She tugged on Alyssa’s bottom lip, and shivered at the way Alyssa’s hands tightened their grip on her shoulders.

All of a sudden, Alyssa pulled back. “Wait.”

Emma was about to question if everything was okay, and then Alyssa pulled her own shirt off over her head.

“Okay,” Alyssa whispered breathlessly, and then her hands were in Emma’s hair and they were kissing again.

The last bit of functionality that Emma had retained left her in that moment, because this was eerily similar to that one dream she’d had. Alyssa was on top of her, and she was shirtless, and Emma was overwhelmed. Alyssa’s tongue slipped into her mouth, and Emma just barely held back a desperate whine at the way lightning shot through her body. Her hands landed on Alyssa’s bare skin, one at her waist and one splayed across her back. Alyssa’s skin was soft and smooth, and burned hot beneath her fingers. It was a heady feeling, and Emma was already addicted.

“Can I—” Alyssa’s voice was hoarse against Emma’s lips as her hands went to the buttons of her shirt.

Emma heard footsteps reaching the top of the stairs, and nodded quickly, capturing Alyssa’s lips in another heated kiss. Alyssa swiftly unbuttoned Emma’s shirt, pulling it open as she leaned closer still. There was barely any space between their bodies now, and Emma could feel her own heart pounding in her chest without remorse. She forgot about the plan, and about everything else that wasn’t Alyssa.

Completely of their own accord, her fingers trailed a path up Alyssa’s spine. Alyssa’s moan spilled into Emma’s mouth, her hands sliding inwards from where they’d been gripping the opened collar of her shirt. Her knees tightened near Emma’s hips. Unable to get past the cloud in her mind, Emma started to just barely tease at the band of Alyssa’s bra with her fingertips.

Alyssa’s hands, which had only just stopped at Emma’s collarbones, started to travel. Emma was out of her mind with anticipation as she clutched Alyssa’s waist with her other hand, because this was even better than her dream. This was actually happening. It almost felt like Alyssa _meant_ it, even though the thought was ludicrous. But Alyssa’s hands were sliding down over her heart, completely stealing it in the process, and Emma wondered if it was possible to die like this because never in her life did she think Alyssa would touch her like _this_ and—

The door burst open.

“Alyssa!” Mrs Greene’s voice was shrill.

They leapt apart like they’d been burned, and Emma felt as if a bucket of ice water had been dumped over her head, because she’d completely forgotten that the whole point of them making out was so that Alyssa’s mother could walk in on them. Alyssa, to her credit, looked as completely taken by surprise as Emma felt.

“Mom!” Alyssa said, crossing her arms protectively over her chest. “Get out.”

“Were you just—in my house—” Mrs Greene stuttered, and Emma resisted the urge to cover herself up again. Her hands were resting on Alyssa’s thighs, which was safer than leaving them against bare skin, especially with the death stare that was being directed their way. She said nothing, letting Alyssa take the lead on this one.

“We’re both eighteen,” Alyssa said bravely. “We’re both consenting adults. I don’t see the issue with my _girlfriend_ and I deciding to—”

“That’s enough,” Mrs Greene cut her off. “We will… we will talk about this tomorrow, okay?”

“Fine,” Alyssa said.

“And I think Emma would be more comfortable on the couch for the rest of the week,” Mrs Greene continued, which was an outcome that Emma had been expecting. She nodded, still dazed.

“Okay.”

“In five minutes I want to see Emma downstairs,” Mrs Greene continued. “And, Alyssa, please stay up here until tomorrow morning.”

“But what if I get thirsty?” Alyssa asked innocently, and Emma only narrowly stopped herself from bursting out laughing – which would have been extremely inappropriate even if she was still feeling incredibly light-headed.

“Then I will bring you some water! Cold water!”

Mrs Greene glared at them both one last time, and then turned on her heel. She left the door wide open behind her, and Emma felt as if neither of them breathed until they heard her footsteps retreat.

“I am so sorry,” Alyssa said immediately, uncrossing her arms and running her hands through her hair.

“It’s okay,” Emma said dumbly, her mouth going dry as her eyes got dragged to the amount of Alyssa’s skin that was exposed right in front of her. She forced her eyes back up to meet Alyssa’s and prayed that she hadn’t been caught looking.

“At least it worked?” Alyssa seemed to realize that she was still straddling Emma, quickly scrambling off her and standing again. She looked around her, brow furrowed. “Did you see where my shirt went?”

“I didn’t,” Emma said. She had, after all, been a little preoccupied at the time.

Forcing herself to move again, Emma started to button her shirt back up. She got off the bed, trying in vain to lower her heart rate. She couldn’t quite believe that had just happened, and how quickly she’d forgotten that it was just for show. She needed to get a better handle on her feelings, that was for sure.

Alyssa was still standing on the other side of the bed in her bra, and Emma tried her best not to get distracted by just how incredible she looked. Dream Emma had been right about how fit Alyssa was, and it was making coherent thought very hard. Looking away, Emma suddenly spotted Alyssa’s discarded shirt.

“Here,” she said, bending down to pick it up before tossing it to Alyssa.

“Thank you,” Alyssa said gratefully, pulling it on again. Emma’s heart still didn’t slow down.

Emma scooped up her pyjamas hurriedly. “I’m gonna change in the bathroom and go downstairs. In case your mom comes back up here.”

“Okay,” Alyssa nodded, suddenly catching Emma by the arm as she went past.

Emma found herself face to face with Alyssa, both of them drawing in a sharp breath simultaneously. Emma’s skin burned where Alyssa touched her. In fact, she still felt the ghost of Alyssa’s touch everywhere, and she didn’t know how to make it go away. Alyssa’s eyes were dark, and Emma got lost in them for what felt like the millionth time.

“Um… thank you,” Alyssa said quietly. “For being here, and for going along with all this.”

“Yeah, of course,” Emma breathed.

Ten minutes later, she was trying to get comfortable on the large couch in the Greene’s living room. It wasn’t like the couch itself was causing her any problems, but Emma couldn’t stop thinking about the kissing, and the touching, and so much bare skin—

She probably should have thought this through a bit more.

Because, now, she was attempting to lie still even when she felt like she was on fire. She shifted uncomfortably, knowing that there was absolutely nothing she could do about it and that she’d just have to try and sleep regardless of her body’s protests. Emma sighed deeply. This was completely her own fault.

The worst part was that she was sure that Alyssa was sleeping soundly without a care in the world. Her plan had worked, and she wasn’t left with the same ache in her heart that Emma was currently feeling. She wasn’t left feeling the same desire as Emma felt to be carrying on from where they’d left off, and knowing that she couldn’t. Emma was the only one feeling this way, and the urge to protect her heart grew tenfold.

Emma knew deep down that, if she were to survive, she couldn’t let _that_ happen again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! will either of them find a brain cell soon? hard to say, but signs point to not just yet!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's the penultimate chapter!!! they're still dumb!!!

Alyssa barely slept, tossing and turning as she tried to think about anything that wasn’t Emma. It was no use, though; she was wired and wide-awake and it was all Emma’s fault. Even if the whole dumb plan was completely her own idea. Alyssa groaned quietly, covering her face with her hands as she berated herself for getting so carried away. In the relatively short time they’d been making out for, Alyssa had almost completely forgotten that they were only doing it so that her mom could catch them. Honestly, she kind of felt like she’d lost all rational thought as soon as Emma’s fingers had started travelling slowly up her spine. And now Emma probably thought she was a total creep for groping her like that.

She woke up on Thanksgiving morning groggy and disorientated, still a little frustrated with herself for letting things go so far the previous evening. She half wondered just how far things would have gone if her mom hadn’t walked in after all. Alyssa knew she wouldn’t have wanted to stop, but what about Emma? She didn’t want to feel like she was forcing her into anything, or crossing any lines. Truth be told, she was really worried that she _had_ crossed a line, and maybe Emma would be pissed at her. She had every right to be.

Alyssa dragged herself out of bed and shuffled downstairs, seeing both her mom and Emma already dressed and making awkward small-talk at the kitchen table. Alyssa sat down next to Emma, both of them opposite Mrs Greene, and tried not to blush at being so close to her again after yesterday.

After breakfast, the three of them settled in the living room to watch the parade on television. Mrs Greene commandeered her favorite armchair while Alyssa sat down on the couch. Emma sat next to her, putting her arm around Alyssa’s shoulders after a moment’s hesitation. Alyssa looked over at her in barely-concealed surprise, shocked that Emma was willingly initiating physical contact after Alyssa had practically violated her. Emma smiled at her, eyes briefly darting in Mrs Greene’s direction, and Alyssa deflated a little. Right. She was only doing it to act like a couple.

Still, Alyssa took the opportunity to settle further into her side, breathing in the smell of Emma’s clothes as she tiredly turned her attention to the parade. She didn’t know if she was going to make it through this without falling asleep, given how little she’d slept last night, but she tried her best to stay awake. It wasn’t her fault that Emma was so comfortable.

Even when Mrs Greene got up to start making the Thanksgiving dinner, Emma didn’t move away. She kept her arm around Alyssa until they were called to help put the finishing touches on dinner and lay the table, only then letting go. Alyssa suddenly realized that she was still in her pyjamas, and she hadn’t even brushed her hair yet. She hurried upstairs to change and drag a brush through her hair after she’d set the table, coming back down to find dinner just about to be served.

“You’ve decided to be a functioning human being, then?” her mom asked, and it was the first full sentence she’d said to her all day, despite yesterday’s promise of a talk.

“Getting to sleep without Emma there was difficult,” Alyssa shot back as she sat at the table. “I’m tired.”

“I’m sure you two can survive a few nights apart,” her mom said.

“Sometimes I have nightmares,” Emma said quickly. “Having Alyssa there always helps, and I just guess we’re just used to cohabitating now.”

“Well, that’s very… domestic,” Mrs Greene said.

Alyssa glanced at Emma, who sent her a reassuring smile that only looked slightly like a grimace. Things were fairly silent throughout the rest of dinner, although it wasn’t uncomfortable enough for Alyssa to start feeling like she couldn’t breathe. The food was undeniably delicious, not to mention extremely filling, and by the time the three of them retired to the living room again Alyssa was back to feeling more than a little sleepy.

She curled into Emma on the couch once more, too tired to worry herself about it, and smiled as Emma wrapped her arms around her. Alyssa’s head was resting on Emma’s shoulder, her legs tucked up underneath herself as she threw an arm across Emma’s stomach and mumbled tiredly to herself.

“Did you overface yourself with the turkey?” Emma asked.

“Maybe,” Alyssa said. “It was good turkey.”

“It was,” Emma agreed. She turned her attention to Mrs Greene. “It was all really good. Thank you for making it, and for inviting me.”

“You’re welcome,” Mrs Greene said, a lot less frosty than she’d been all day. Maybe the dinner had put her in a good mood. “I don’t think I ever asked Alyssa this, but… how did you two meet?”

Alyssa hid a grin in Emma’s shoulder, because she had a feeling this might happen. Mrs Greene had, in fact, quizzed Alyssa on it a long time ago. Luckily, their backstory was one of the first things she and Emma had decided upon – in that coffee shop so many weeks ago, arguing over who asked the other out – so she was confident Emma’s answers would match up well enough with her own.

“I was playing at an open mic night at the start of the school year,” Emma said. “It was kind of a welcome event, I guess, and I saw Alyssa in the crowd, just… looking at me. I nearly forgot the words to the song because I thought she was so beautiful, and so I went up to her afterwards and asked her out.”

If only it were that simple, Alyssa thought. She wished Emma had come up to her after the real open mic and asked her out. Then again, that would only have happened if Emma was interested in her for real. She buried her nose in Emma’s neck.

“You’re making me sound like I was just frozen to the spot staring at you,” Alyssa grumbled.

Emma laughed lightly. “Well, you kind of were.”

“Maybe. And I guess you bringing me my favorite flowers on our first date did take me by surprise, too,” Alyssa said. “Especially because you didn’t know they were my favorites.”

“And what are those?” Mrs Greene interjected, probably keen to figure out just how well Emma knew her daughter. Little did she know, this was something the two of them had also discussed while watching _Imagine Me & You _on one of their movie nights.

“Lilies,” Emma said. “But she really likes daffodils, too.”

Alyssa felt like she stopped breathing for just a second, because that last part wasn’t something they’d discussed. She’d never even told Emma how much she liked daffodils (especially because one of the things they symbolized was _unrequited love_ ), so Emma must have noticed the daffodils that she occasionally bought and kept in her room and made the connection. Alyssa really hoped that Emma didn’t know what they represented.

Mrs Greene nodded, clearly at least a little impressed. “Alyssa used to stop and stare at the lilies when we passed the flower shop in town, even as a child.”

“Did she always puff out her cheeks when she tried to insist she wasn’t looking at something she actually really wanted to buy?” Emma asked, laughter in her voice.

“All the time,” Mrs Greene rolled her eyes fondly. “She said she was putting her allowance aside for savings, but I always knew when there was something in a store testing her willpower.”

Alyssa looked up at Emma, unable to hide her surprise. “I still do that?”

“So often,” Emma grinned. “It’s actually really cute.”

“Oh.”

It was all Alyssa could say, because she hadn’t expected the conversation to take this turn. Emma noticing things like that made her feel warm, and also a little vulnerable. Because if Emma could notice things like that, then surely she would notice any tells Alyssa had about how much she liked Emma.

“I just,” Emma said quietly, shrugging the shoulder that Alyssa wasn’t using as a pillow. “I just pay attention to you, I guess.”

She was looking at Alyssa so openly, and her eyes were soft, and her hand was gentle when she started playing with Alyssa’s hair, and Alyssa was in love with her.

God, she was in love with Emma.

 

Alyssa spent the rest of the week trying not to freak out.

She texted Gwen that there was something important she needed to talk to her about when they both got back, because this was not a conversation she could have over text, or over a phone call. Until she could talk to Gwen, Alyssa tried to act as if nothing had changed.

And, in some ways, nothing had.

She’d already been aware of her feelings for Emma, but taking the step from ‘feelings’ to ‘love’ was still completely terrifying to her. Love felt like something way more permanent; not like a crush she could hope to get over. Deep down, Alyssa was starting to think she might never get over Emma. It was beyond scary.

Emma slept on the couch for the rest of the week, even though Alyssa had offered to trade places with her. She was helping with the dishes, and being nice to Alyssa’s mom, and cuddling with Alyssa on the couch every evening, and she was perfect. Alyssa didn’t know how she was supposed to go back to not pretending Emma was her girlfriend twenty-four hours a day.

More than once, she wondered exactly why Emma was going along with this. What was in it for her besides homecooked meals and a break from campus?

Very occasionally, and always trying to squash the thought immediately after, she wondered if maybe Emma might like her as more than a friend.

Alyssa didn’t want to let herself believe it, because believing would only lead to heartbreak in the end, but she wanted it to be true so badly that it almost hurt. It was probably a side-effect from being at home with her and ramping up the domesticity for her mother, but Emma wouldn’t lose the soft look on her face even when Mrs Greene couldn’t see her. Alyssa wondered if that had always been the case, or if she was more aware of it now that she knew Emma paid attention to all these little things about her.

Mrs Greene actually hugged Emma on the day they were due to fly back to California.

Emma looked just as surprised as Alyssa felt, but accepted the hug nonetheless. She closed her eyes and hugged back with shaking hands, and Alyssa wondered how long it had been since Emma’s own mother had hugged her. When they pulled back, Emma’s eyes were on the floor as she mumbled something about fetching hers and Alyssa’s bags.

Mrs Greene watched her scurry upstairs, before turning her attention to Alyssa. “She’s a keeper.”

Alyssa felt stupid at how quickly her eyes filled with tears over her mother’s approval. “You think so?”

“I do,” her mom nodded sagely. “She clearly cares a lot about you, which is the most important part. She’s smart, she’s only a little bit scruffy and – one night here aside – she’s very respectful.”

“That was my fault,” Alyssa said truthfully, although there was no way she was going to tell her mother the full story. “Besides, I was the one who answered back.”

“That’s true,” Mrs Greene said. She took a deep breath, suddenly looking a lot older. “Alyssa, I’m not stupid.”

“I know,” Alyssa said quickly, panic rising in her throat. What if she’d figured it all out anyway?

“I’m aware that you were trying to prove a point to me when I… interrupted,” her mom sighed. “I just… I’m not sure how much you know about the way I was raised, but all this has been a lot for me to work through.”

“I get that,” Alyssa said. “But… it’s been a lot for me, too. Knowing I was a lesbian for years and not feeling like I could tell anybody. And then the first person I tell is you, and you immediately invalidate me by saying that I might not be a lesbian because I didn’t have a girlfriend. Do you know how _awful_ that made me feel?”

Mrs Greene’s face crumpled. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I never meant to make you feel like that.”

“Thank you,” Alyssa sniffed. “For apologizing.”

“I know I haven’t always been – been the best mother,” Mrs Greene said, her eyes getting a little misty. “I just want you to know that I love you, Alyssa, and that I’m going to try and be better.”

“I love you, too, mom,” Alyssa said, swallowing the lump in her throat. She wasn’t sure if she’d ever had this honest of a conversation with her mother before.

“After seeing the two of you this week, I did some googling,” Mrs Greene said. “On lesbians.”

Alyssa choked a little bit, feeling like she was suffering whiplash form the change in direction this conversation appeared to be taking. “Oh?”

“It was very informative,” her mom continued, completely straight-faced. “And I realized that I’ve said a lot of ignorant or harmful things over the years. I’m sorry for that.”

“Mom,” Alyssa sighed, taking a step towards her and hugging her tightly. “All I’ve ever wanted is for you to treat me like normal, because I  _am_ normal.”

“You’re not normal,” Mrs Greene murmured. “You are extraordinary, Alyssa Greene.”

Alyssa did cry, then, because at last it finally felt like an understanding passed between them. She knew it would take a while, and that her mom wouldn’t be the number one lesbian ally overnight, but she was showing willing. And that felt like a victory.

 

“I missed you!”

Gwen flew at Alyssa the moment she walked through the door of their room, ignoring the homework Alyssa was trying to get done.

“Oof—I missed you too, Gwen,” Alyssa laughed. “How was your break?”

“It was great!” Gwen said quickly, collapsing dramatically onto her bed. “But enough about me. What’s the deal with you and Emma?”

“There’s no deal with me and Emma,” Alyssa said immediately, rolling her eyes at how fast Gwen had switched the conversation. “No real deal, anyway.”

“Boo,” Gwen sighed. “And here I thought that plan of yours would be enough to get it through both of your heads that you like each other for real.”

“It… well… it accomplished what it was meant to,” Alyssa said. “My mom actually takes mine and Emma’s apparent relationship seriously now.”

“Uh-huh,” Gwen said, eyes sparkling. “I’m gonna let what you just said sink in.”

“Sink—oh,” Alyssa said. “She takes us seriously. Mission accomplished, I guess.”

“So why is Emma still fake-dating you?” Gwen sing-songed. “Since it’s mission accomplished.”

“I don’t know,” Alyssa said. “Maybe she—maybe she’s waiting for me to be the one to call it off. Or maybe she knows that if we break it off right now then my mom, or other people, might get suspicious.”

Gwen groaned dramatically. “Or… maybe she likes you just as much as you like her and doesn’t ever want to break it off. _Maybe_ she wants to date you for real. I’m calling it now.”

“Stop,” Alyssa said, feeling a little overwhelmed already. “We’ve just been hanging out as friends since we got back.”

“If you say so,” Gwen said, not looking convinced. “Anyway, spill. What’s this big thing you need to tell me? I was hoping that it was you and Emma getting together for real, but clearly not.”

“Oh, um,” Alyssa stuttered for a moment, fiddling with the comforter on her bed. She shut her laptop, finally giving up on her homework for now. “Something personal kind of… happened over Thanksgiving.”

“Holy shit,” Gwen sat up. “Did things really go that far with your plan?”

“No!” Alyssa said immediately. “Well, I mean, things were more, uh, _intense_ than I thought they would be, if that’s what you’re asking. I may have… felt her up slightly.”

Gwen’s jaw dropped. “And still neither of you have made an actual move?”

“Correct,”

“You’re both idiots,” Gwen said in wonderment. “But I’m guessing that you groping Emma’s boobs wasn’t the personal revelation you wanted to share with me?”

“Please stop talking about Emma’s boobs,” Alyssa said.

“Why, is it turning you on?” Gwen asked, with a shit-eating grin on her face.

“No,” Alyssa shot back defensively. “Listen, can you stop being a smug bitch for one second and let me actually have a serious conversation with you?”

“Oof, I don’t like horny Alyssa,” Gwen said. “She’s mean.”

Alyssa wanted to yell. Instead, she spluttered incoherently for a few moments before taking a deep breath and working to regain her composure.

“Gwen, please,” she said.

“Okay,” Gwen cleared her throat, turning a little more serious. “Shoot.”

“There was this moment, on Thanksgiving Day, when Emma and I were sort of cuddling on the couch,” Alyssa said, looking down at her hands. “My mom started asking Emma all these questions about me, and about our relationship, and she was answering stuff that we haven’t ever talked about. And then she just… looked at me, and said she paid attention to me, and I…”

Alyssa cut herself off, because if she said it out loud then there was no going back. Gwen looked at her expectantly. The silence stretched on for a long time before Alyssa finally broke it.

“I think I’m in love with her.”

“Oh my God,” Gwen murmured, but there was a smile spreading across her face.

“I know,” Alyssa said, eyes wide. “And now I don’t know what to do.”

“I’m guessing Emma doesn’t know about this, obviously,” Gwen said.

Alyssa shook her head. “No. You’re the only person I’ve told.”

“I see.”

“Because if Emma found out, it would ruin everything,” Alyssa sighed. “Fuck. I’m the worst person on the planet.”

“No, you’re not,” Gwen said quickly. “You’re a human being who fell in love. That’s all.”

“But I’m lying to Emma about the whole situation,” Alyssa said. “If she finds out, she’ll never speak to me again.”

“You don’t know that,” Gwen said gently. She stood up and crossed the room to Alyssa’s bed. “Come here.”

She wrapped her arms around Alyssa’s shoulders comfortingly, and Alyssa felt herself relax just slightly. Both of them were silent for a while.

“I know I’ve told you this a million times,” Gwen said, “but I’m positive Emma has feelings for you. I wouldn’t lie to you about that, or make something out of nothing.”

“I don’t know,” Alyssa said. “I mean, I guess there were a couple moments when we were in Indiana when I wondered, but…”

“Wait, did you develop some common sense in Indiana of all places?” Gwen laughed. “If even _you’re_ wondering, then she’s got to be getting even less subtle about it.”

“But what if she truly doesn’t like me like that?”

“Listen, Alyssa,” Gwen pulled back to look her straight in the eye. “There’s really only one way to find out. If you carry on like this, it’s going to eat you up inside. And probably Emma, too.”

“Okay, but if she likes me, then why hasn’t she said anything?” Alyssa reasoned.

“Because you’re a pair of perfectly suited dumbasses,” Gwen told her fondly. “And neither of you wants to get rejected and jeopardize your friendship. Not to mention the fake-dating plan.”

Alyssa groaned. “Why are you actually making sense right now?”

“Make a move,” Gwen encouraged. “Tell her how you feel.”

“I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do,” Gwen said. “In fact, it looks like I’m going to have to pull an all-nighter studying all of a sudden. Maybe it would be best if you spent the night at Emma’s, if you catch my drift.”

Alyssa blanched. “This is terrifying.”

“So you’re doing it?” Gwen squealed.

“No promises,” Alyssa said warningly. “I’ll ask if she’s cool with me staying there tonight. Maybe I’ll get brave enough to tell her how I feel, but I might not.”

“The fact that you’re showing willing proves just how far you’ve come,” Gwen said. “But please, for the love of all that is good in the world, put _everyone_ out of their misery and tell her.”

“Maybe,” Alyssa said, already feeling the nerves starting a churning in her stomach.

Was she really about to do this?

 

* * *

 

“I think I’m in love with her.”

Emma paused, her knuckles inches away from Alyssa and Gwen’s door, which she’d been about to knock on. Her mind went completely blank at hearing Alyssa’s voice, her body numb, because this was not what she’d expected to hear. Or had wanted to hear. She knew the walls were thin in this building, but she really didn’t want to eavesdrop on what was clearly a personal conversation. Her feet were rooted to the spot.

She thought she heard Gwen say: “Oh my God.”

“I know,” that was Alyssa’s voice again, and she sounded panicked. “And now I don’t know what to do.”

“I’m guessing Emma doesn’t know about this, obviously,” Gwen said, and Emma felt like she’d been punched. Alyssa was in love with someone, and she was hiding it from her.

“No, you’re the only person I’ve told,” Alyssa replied.

Emma swallowed hard, resisting the sudden urge to blink back tears. This wasn’t fair; all she’d wanted to do was come over and see if the two of them wanted to hang out and watch a movie tonight, and she ended up overhearing something she really didn’t want to hear.

“I see,” Gwen said thoughtfully.

“Because if Emma found out, it would ruin everything,” Alyssa said, sounding upset. “Fuck. I’m the worst person on the planet.”

“No, you’re not,” came the immediate response. “You’re a human being who fell in love, that’s all.”

And Emma felt her heart rip in two, because: _So am I_.

She bit her tongue to stop a sob from escaping her. This really wasn’t how she wanted to come to the realization that she’d fallen in love with Alyssa, but there it was. And now, every word she overheard was like a knife to the gut. Alyssa sounded so _guilty_.

“But I’m lying to Emma about the whole situation,” Alyssa said. “If she finds out, she’ll never speak to me again.”

Emma didn’t want to hear any more. She forced her feet to move and backed away from the door, covering her mouth with her hand as she spun on her heel and walked back to her own room as quickly as she could. She closed the door behind her, finally allowing herself to break down as she slid down to sit on the floor.

She felt stupid, crying over a girl, but this was _Alyssa_. This was Alyssa, her best friend, her fake girlfriend – the girl she was in love with. And Alyssa was in love with someone else. The way she’d worded it, like she knew that it would feel like a betrayal to Emma, somehow hurt more than if she’d just come out and said it without any of the guilt. It sounded like Alyssa knew, to a degree, just how much this would break her.

How long had this been going on for? How long had Emma been looking like a total idiot for? Pining after a girl who didn’t really want her, who was probably just waiting for the right time to call off the whole plan so she could find a _real_ girlfriend. Now that Alyssa’s mom was onboard, Alyssa didn’t need her anymore. Emma cried harder, feeling the sting of her very first heartbreak.

She should have expected this. She swore, after that stupid plan back in Indiana, that she wouldn’t let Alyssa break her heart. And yet, here she was, sobbing on the floor of her room. Emma couldn’t do this anymore. She knew she had to let Alyssa go; she couldn’t stand in her way. She refused to be that person who clung on so tight even when there was no chance. One of them should at least be happy.

And it hurt, because for the briefest of moments, Emma had wondered if Alyssa could possibly have been talking about her. But she couldn’t have been talking about her, because Alyssa was Alyssa, and Emma was… just Emma.

She knew what she had to do, but she didn’t know if she had the strength to do it.

 

She’d barely managed to pull herself together when there was a soft knock on her door. Emma took a deep breath, straightening her crooked glasses and walking over to open the door to whoever was on the other side. Her heart seized in her chest as soon as she did, because it was Alyssa’s eyes looking back at her.

“Alyssa, h—hi,” Emma said, stumbling a little over her words.

“Hey,” Alyssa said. She frowned. “What’s wrong? It looks kind of like you’ve been crying.”

Emma cursed herself for being so obvious. “Phone call with my grandma. I just miss her, is all.”

The lie wasn’t perfect, but it was seemingly enough to convince Alyssa. A bitter part of Emma thought that at least Alyssa wasn’t the only one of them who could lie well enough.

“I’m sorry,” Alyssa said, reaching out to put a comforting hand on Emma’s shoulder. Emma flinched away, and she saw a flicker of hurt cross Alyssa’s face. “At least you’ll see her at Christmas.”

“Yeah,” Emma said. “Um, how come you’re here?”

“Oh,” Alyssa’s demeanour changed, and she shifted a little nervously. “Gwen’s pulling an all-nighter to study, and she thought it would be best if I crashed here tonight. I said I’d ask if you were okay with it.”

Emma really should say no. “Okay.”

“Thanks, you’re the best,” Alyssa said, relief evident in her voice. “I’ll order us some food? My treat.”

“Sure,” Emma nodded jerkily, standing aside to let Alyssa in against her better judgement. Maybe one more night of normalcy would be nice, before everything went completely to shit.

Sure, it was selfish of her, but Emma just wanted to spend just a few more stolen hours with Alyssa like this, where things weren’t as complicated. They weren’t simple, of course – things between the two of them had never exactly been simple – but the pain in her chest was just about manageable like this.

She kept as much distance as possible between her and Alyssa while they were watching the movie, though, because she didn’t think she could handle Alyssa touching her in any capacity whatsoever. Emma knew that as soon as Alyssa were to make contact, she wouldn’t be able to hold back her emotions, and she might do something dumb like tell Alyssa she loved her.

Love was stupid.

Alyssa was testing her resolve as it was, sending worried looks her way every so often. Emma knew she was being weird, keeping her eyes fixed on the laptop screen and refusing to even acknowledge Alyssa’s presence, but she couldn’t help it. Alyssa didn’t try to force conversation, and Emma kept her mouth firmly shut, too. In short, it was awkward.

So awkward, in fact, that Alyssa offered to leave after the movie was over.

“I’m sure I’d be able to get some sleep back in my room,” she said. “If you’d rather I left, I totally get it.”

Emma didn’t know whether she wanted Alyssa to leave or not. Because if Alyssa stayed, they’d probably end up sharing the bed, and Emma didn’t know if she was strong enough for that. She looked into Alyssa’s eyes for the first time in about two hours, and saw so much vulnerability there. Her heart ached.

“Stay?” she asked quietly, hating herself as she did so.

Alyssa swallowed. “Okay.”

This time, Alyssa had brought her own pyjamas – which was probably a good thing, because Emma somehow doubted that she’d be able to handle seeing Alyssa in her clothes right now. It had been enough to make her heart race last time, and at that point she hadn’t even been consciously aware of her feelings for Alyssa.

Emma stared determinedly at her phone while Alyssa climbed into bed beside her, mouth dry. She plugged her phone in to charge and took her glasses off, leaving them on her bedside table as she settled in bed on her back. One arm was behind her head, and the other was resting on her own stomach. She tapped her fingers on her abdomen nervously, risking a glance in Alyssa’s direction.

Alyssa was on her side, staring at her with sad eyes.

It made Emma feel flustered, and even worse than she was already feeling. Maybe it was actually pity she could see in Alyssa’s eyes, because she knew that she couldn’t return Emma’s feelings. Maybe that’s why she’d offered to leave, and Emma had asked her to stay like some kind of moron who had completely missed the out that Alyssa was trying to give her.

“Night,” Emma said, switching the bedside lamp off. She didn’t want to be worn down by the look Alyssa was giving her. She didn’t want to cry any more today.

“Goodnight, Emma,” Alyssa whispered, and Emma shut her eyes tight.

She didn’t know if she could do this; if she could cope. Trying to force herself to sleep, Emma reasoned that she would be able to get through it as long as her body didn’t betray her in her sleep and reach out for the girl she was so painfully in love with.

 

* * *

 

Alyssa woke early, feeling warm and safe and better-rested than she thought she would’ve. It had taken her a little while to get to sleep; long enough that Emma’s breathing had evened out as she drifted off. Alyssa had watched her for a little while, wondering just what was causing Emma’s strange mood. Somehow, she doubted homesickness was the whole reason.

There was something Emma hadn’t been telling her, and Alyssa had immediately feared the end of their friendship was coming, let alone the end of their fake relationship. She’d wanted to tell Emma how she felt about her, but the silence between them had been far too loud to even think about getting the words out.

Now, the harsh November sun streaming through the curtains woke her up, and she sighed as she went to stretch her stiff joints. But there was something stopping one of her arms. Alyssa looked down, and saw an arm draped over one side of her body. It was Emma’s arm, of course, and upon closer inspection Alyssa could see that Emma’s hand was holding her shirt in a death grip, like she was terrified of letting her go.

Looking over to the side, Alyssa could also see Emma’s face a lot closer than it had been last night. There was a tiny crease in between her eyebrows, and she didn’t look as peaceful as she had the first time that they’d slept in this bed together. Alyssa chewed nervously on her bottom lip, trying to calm the sudden butterflies in her stomach. She didn’t know what to do. Emma had been acting so weird last night, barely able to look at her – and definitely making a point not to touch her – that somehow Alyssa didn’t think Emma would react well to waking up holding Alyssa so tight.

Before she had time to decide what to do, though, Emma’s eyes opened.

Immediately, Alyssa was entranced. Emma’s eyes always seemed to have that effect on her, and it was like they were back on that couch in Indiana and Alyssa was able to pinpoint the second she realized she was in love. Emma looked at her with a soft expression, just like she had that day, and Alyssa suddenly couldn’t catch her breath.

Maybe she didn’t need words after all. Actions spoke louder, after all, and she and Emma had developed a habit of showing rather than telling. Gathering up all the courage she could muster in her newly-awake state, Alyssa leaned in.

Their lips had just barely brushed when Emma pulled back sharply, and Alyssa was left cold.

“What are you doing?” Emma asked frantically, releasing her hold on Alyssa’s shirt and pushing herself to the end of the bed. Alyssa sat up, ice forming in her stomach as Emma hurriedly put her glasses on.

“I’m sorry, I… I don’t know why I—”

“Yeah, I don’t know why, either,” Emma said, looking at her with fearful eyes. “You can’t just… kiss me whenever it’s convenient for you.”

“Emma, I’m so sorry,” Alyssa said. Her eyes started flooding with tears; this wasn’t how it was supposed to go.

Emma seemed like she was getting angry now. “God, I’m such an idiot. I actually thought—”

“Thought what?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Emma said bitterly. “None of it matters.”

Alyssa’s voice trembled. “Emma—”

“Please don’t—” Emma looked anguished. “Alyssa, I can’t do this anymore.”

And although she’d been expecting it, the words still felt like she’d been slapped. Silence hung uncomfortably between them, and Alyssa could feel her emotions start to overpower her.

“You’re right,” she said, just barely keeping it together. “We shouldn’t—we need to end this whole charade.”

Emma’s eyes flashed with hurt. “Cause that’s all it ever was,” she spat.

“That’s not fair,” Alyssa said, voice thick. “You’re my best friend, it’s not like you don’t mean anything to me. Do you even _know_ how much you mean to me, Emma?”

“Clearly not enough,” Emma said. “Given how you’ve been lying to me.”

“What?”

“I heard you talking to Gwen yesterday!” Emma yelled, and dread washed over Alyssa. “I can’t believe you kept this from me.”

“I was scared,” Alyssa protested. “And I knew you’d be mad, and I didn’t want to make you mad and lose this and—”

She cut herself off, trying to swallow down the panic because Emma _knew_. She knew that Alyssa was in love with her, and she was angry. Feeling sick to her stomach with guilt, Alyssa buried her head in her hands.

“When I told Gwen that our relationship was fake, I only did it so that she could help me with my fee—”

“Gwen knows we’re not together?” Emma interrupted quietly.

Oh shit. Emma must have not realized that when she had overheard them talking. Alyssa’s mind was cloudy, and she couldn’t remember what order things had been said in, or even whether someone with no context would have even gotten the fact that Gwen was aware of the lie.

“Yes,” Alyssa whispered.

Emma laughed hollowly. “How long?”

“I don’t—”

“How long have I looked like a complete idiot for, Alyssa?” Emma asked, louder.

“Since the first time I slept over,” Alyssa said, screwing her eyes shut.

“Since—”

“And you never looked like an idiot,” Alyssa cut her off. “Never.”

“I don’t believe you,” Emma said, her voice starting to waver. “Besides, why do you even care whether or not I looked like an idiot? It’s not like you’re my _real_ girlfriend!”

“You’re right, I’m not,” Alyssa fired back.

“Why did you even ask me?” Emma asked weakly. “Why me?”

Alyssa shrugged helplessly. She didn’t know what to say, because this was going even worse than how she thought it could’ve ever gone. Emma knew how she felt, and not only did she not feel the same, she probably felt completely disgusted by it. Because Alyssa had broken the unspoken rule of fake-dating. She’d fallen in love for real.

And it was the worst mistake she could’ve made.

“I should—” Alyssa said, barely getting the words out through the tears that were starting to fall. “I have to go.”

Not even stopping to grab the clothes she’d changed out of last night, Alyssa practically fell out of the bed and stumbled to the door. Without looking back, she wrenched the door open and ran.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry? on the bright side, there's still a whole chapter left to fix this, quite frankly, colossal misunderstanding!
> 
> yell at me if you want to get it out of your system, this is all my fault.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and just like that we're at the end. more notes and thank yous at the bottom but holy shit you guys. i love you all.
> 
> so much so that i blacked out and wrote 6k words today, so... you get the final chapter earlier than expected!
> 
> aside from the title song (what's it gonna be? by shura) the songs that i've been listening to for this fic and this chapter are fools by lauren aquilina and in particular: the words by christina perri (there's even a reference to the lyrics at the end so look out for that). i highly recommend giving all 3 songs a listen.
> 
> enjoy!

Emma sat on her bed, feeling numb.

She’d just succeeded in driving away the single best thing that had ever happened to her, and all in the space of five minutes. Still, better this than if it had been dragged out longer, killing her on the inside even more. Emma didn’t know what she would’ve done if they’d still been fake dating come Valentine’s Day, or even Christmas.

She’d woken up and had immediately been met with Alyssa’s stare. She’d felt so safe, and so in love, and then Alyssa had started to lean in – and she’d remembered.  She’d remembered that this wasn’t real; that it wouldn’t ever be real. Alyssa had looked half-asleep, not even fully aware of what she’d been doing, and Emma hadn’t wanted to be the kind of person who didn’t stop her from making that mistake.

It hadn’t even really been a kiss in the end.

Emma swallowed a lump in her throat as she remembered her last kiss with Alyssa. She remembered _all_ of her kisses with Alyssa, no matter how short or unremarkable from an outside perspective. The last kiss she would ever share with Alyssa was one of these; a goodnight kiss, during their last evening in Indiana before Alyssa went upstairs to her room. It had been chaste and sweet, mindful of the fact that Alyssa’s mother was in the room, and Emma now felt like she’d taken it for granted.

“Moron,” she muttered to herself, fisting her hands into the comforter. “Fucking _moron_.”

Alyssa probably hated her now. As she should. Emma had yelled at her, and she’d pushed her away, and she’d probably tainted every good memory they had together. Emma grabbed her phone, suddenly needing to see if Alyssa had somehow already deleted all their pictures together. She let out a stuttered sigh of relief as she saw Alyssa’s profile had remained unchanged. Their last picture together, a selfie taken in their airplane seats before they had taken off from Indiana, was still there.

But that didn’t mean Alyssa wouldn’t delete them in the future. Quickly, and feeling ashamed as she did so, Emma screenshotted all of their pictures together so that at least they would always live on in her camera roll. Maybe she was hurting herself even more by doing it, but Emma couldn’t let go just yet.

Blinking back tears, Emma swiped through the pictures of the two of them that she’d taken over the past two or so months. It was fair to say that Alyssa had sort of dominated her camera roll since they’d met. Emma got to a section she hadn’t seen before, where Alyssa had clearly stolen her phone and had taken a bunch of dumb selfies, and her laugh turned into a strangled sob.

There was a knock at the door.

Emma’s heart leapt in her chest, before she realized that it was hardly going to be Alyssa again, not with the speed with which she’d run away just a short while ago. She got up from the bed with a heavy weight in her stomach and opened the door to reveal Gwen standing there with an unreadable expression on her face.

“Hey,” she greeted Emma. “Want to tell me why Alyssa is currently crying her eyes out in our room?”

Emma’s bottom lip wobbled. “She’s—”

“Yeah,” Gwen said, crossing her arms over her chest. “What did you say to her?”

Emma started crying. She didn’t mean to, but hearing Gwen say that and piecing together what must have happened after Alyssa had left made it impossible to keep the tears at bay. Emma clapped a hand over her mouth as sobs wracked her shoulders, and suddenly Gwen was losing the hard look in her eyes and taking hold of Emma’s upper arms.

“Emma, what’s going on?”

“I c-can’t—” Emma said hoarsely. “I’m such a—such a—”

“Hey, shhh,” Gwen pulled her into a loose hug, mindful not to squeeze her too tight, but Emma clung onto her like a small child as she cried into her shoulder. “Take your time.”

Slowly, Emma managed to regain some control over herself. She pulled back quickly from the hug, embarrassed that Gwen had seen her like that, and ushered her inside. She shut the door behind Gwen, and wiped her eyes under her glasses with a sniff.

“I know that you know me and Alyssa weren’t actually dating,” she started, her voice shaking. “Alyssa told me by accident.”

“Oh,” Gwen said, perching on the end of Emma’s bed.

“We broke it off,” Emma said. “She… she doesn’t need me anymore, not after the talk she had with her mom.”

Gwen furrowed her brow in confusion. “She said that?”

“No,” Emma said, sniffing again. “Didn’t need to. Heard her talking to you.”

“What?”

“Yesterday. Saying she—she was in love,” Emma could barely get the words out, eyes on the floor. “Didn’t want to get in her way.”

Her face crumpled again on the last word, and she bit down hard on her bottom lip. Gwen was silent for a long moment, and Emma didn’t dare look at her. Eventually, though, she spoke.

“You didn’t want to get in the way of Alyssa and the girl she’s in love with?” her voice was measured.

“I didn’t want to get hurt,” Emma said, with a lump in her throat. “But it’s too late for that.”

“Emma, look at me,” Gwen said, gently but firmly. Emma forced her eyes up to meet Gwen’s. “I’m going to ask you something, and I want you to answer me honestly. I swear on my life that I won’t judge you, or tell anyone what you say.”

“Okay,” Emma said.

Gwen looked at her intently. “Are you in love with Alyssa?”

It was as if all the air had been knocked out of her lungs with those six words. Emma took a ragged breath, knowing that she was about to put it out there and say it aloud for the first time.

“Yes,” she whispered.

“Okay,” Gwen said, her face once again a mask. “Thank you for telling me.”

“I haven’t—haven’t told anyone that,” Emma said. “Not even when it was just a crush. I don’t, um, have anyone I can talk to about it.”

“Well, now you’ve got me,” Gwen told her. “I may be Alyssa’s roommate, but I’m still you friend, okay? That’s real.”

Emma swallowed. “Thank you.”

“You’ve been bottling all this for a while, haven’t you?” Gwen asked.

“Maybe,” Emma mumbled. “I was doing okay until yesterday.”

“Right, yesterday,” Gwen said. “Out of interest, how much did you hear?”

“Enough,” Emma said with a humourless laugh. “Enough to realize that Alyssa probably knows how I feel about her, and doesn’t feel the same way.”

Gwen’s eyes went wide. “And how did you reach that conclusion?”

“She sounded so guilty,” Emma said, closing her eyes momentarily. “Like she knew that it would hurt me.”

“Okay,” Gwen said, pursing her lips. “And I’m guessing the argument you two had just now was about that, only you obviously didn’t tell her the real reason why you were breaking it off.”

Emma nodded. “I just… panicked. She was half-asleep and I guess she forgot that we were alone or something, because she tried to kiss me this morning. I just kind of… went off at her.”

“She…” Gwen took a deep breath. “Okay. Okay.”

“What?”

“Nothing,” Gwen said quickly. “Just… I think I understand a lot more now.”

Emma didn’t know what that was supposed to mean, but she wasn’t exactly in her best state of mind to question it. Still, she felt a fraction better for getting everything off her chest, and the relief that she and Gwen were still friends was kind of overwhelming.

“I, uh, have to get ready for a class,” Emma said quietly. “But thank you for not hating me.”

“I’ll admit, I came over here ready to kick your ass for making her cry,” Gwen said. “But that was before I had all the pieces.”

She got up to leave, squeezing Emma’s shoulder as she went past.

“I’ll be in touch,” she said.

Emma once again had no idea what she meant by that, but she had a feeling she would come to find out eventually.

 

A few days passed, and the pain didn’t dull even slightly.

Emma only saw Alyssa once in passing, in the hall of their dorm building. Alyssa averted her eyes as she hurried past, and Emma wanted to start crying yet again. It felt like all she’d done lately was cry, and yet she still wasn’t any closer to crying herself out. She and Gwen texted, and Emma couldn’t help but feel as if Gwen were keeping a careful eye on her. It felt good, to have someone who knew how she felt and didn’t hate her for it.

To start with, Emma checked Alyssa’s Instagram profile almost obsessively to see if she’d deleted the pictures yet. Each time she looked, everything remained the same, and Emma didn’t know why. They weren’t pretending to be together anymore, so why hadn’t Alyssa deleted them? Eventually, she just deleted the Instagram app from her phone, because she knew that this compulsive need to check wasn’t doing her any good.

Four days after her and Alyssa’s argument, Emma got a slightly confusing text from Gwen.

_Can you meet me in the English building at 6? There’s some stuff I need help carrying and I figured it would be best to ask a lesbian._

Emma rolled her eyes fondly, almost cracking a smile.

_sure_

She almost jumped out of her skin when the door to her room opened and her roommate walked in. Emma had barely seen her all semester; had started to think maybe she’d dropped out and not told her, but here she was in all her mysterious glory. She nodded once at Emma before flopping down on her pristine bed and promptly falling asleep.

Completely bemused, Emma turned her attention back to her phone and saw she’d gotten another text from Gwen.

_You’re the best! 3 rdfloor main hallway btw_

Emma sent back a thumbs-up emoji, checking the time. She still had over a half hour before she needed to meet Gwen, so she put her headphones on and put on an episode of _Brooklyn Nine-Nine_ to help pass the time. It was honestly the only thing that had been able to make her laugh in the past four days.

Her roommate was still asleep when she left, just over twenty minutes later. Emma shook her head, wondering just when the world would stop feeling like it was upside down as she grabbed her key and her phone before throwing on a warm jacket. Her hair was still a little damp from standing blankly under the shower for longer than she probably should’ve after getting back from her class, but she decided that she didn’t have the energy to care, and allowed the early December air to dry it as she made her way across campus to the English building.

She was running ever so slightly late, and Gwen already had the supply closet door open when Emma rounded the corner. For a split-second, Emma swore she heard Gwen talking to someone in there, but then the girl’s attention was on her.

“Hey,” Gwen said quickly as Emma approached. “Thanks for helping.”

“No problem,” Emma said. “What stuff did you need help—”

The rest of her sentence was cut off as Gwen shoved her unceremoniously into the closet and slammed the door shut between them. The sound of a lock clicking into place registered in her brain, but Emma didn’t pay it any attention, because she wasn’t alone in the supply closet.

Standing there, wide-eyed and holding a stack of paper, was Alyssa.

 

* * *

 

Alyssa couldn’t breathe.

Apart from that one brief occasion in the dormitory hall, she hadn’t seen Emma since she’d run out of her room four days ago. And now, here she was, looking pale and tired and currently like a deer in the headlights as she stared at Alyssa in shock. Alyssa’s chest immediately started aching, because the time she’d spent apart from Emma hadn’t helped with getting over her in the slightest.

For the past four days, the closest she’d come to looking at Emma was staring at their pictures together. But now here she was, in the flesh, and Alyssa was overwhelmed. She swallowed, wanting to say something, but she couldn’t make herself talk. Instead, her slow brain finally caught up with the fact that Gwen – who had asked if she could help her move some things from the English building – had actually tricked her.

“Gwen!” Emma shouted, having evidently come to the same conclusion. “Let us out.”

She turned around and tried to turn the door handle, to no avail. Alyssa tried not to panic, because being trapped in a small space with the girl she was in love with – who had not long ago completely rejected her – wasn’t exactly her idea of fun.

“Not until you two dumbasses actually talk to each other,” came Gwen’s reply. “Besides, it took me like three days to get this plan organized, match up your schedules, and get the key to this supply closet, so I’m not giving up that easily.”

“Everything’s already been said,” Alyssa spoke up, resolutely not looking at Emma.

“Trust me, it really hasn’t,” Gwen said. “I know for a fact that there’s things both of you haven’t said to each other, and since I’ve been sworn to secrecy, I have to let it come from you guys.”

“Gwen,” Emma pleaded, trying the handle again. “I can’t.”

“Yes, you can,” Gwen encouraged firmly. “I’ll unlock the door when you do. Both of you.”

Emma had her back to Alyssa, her shoulders slumping in defeat. Slowly, she turned around. Alyssa put the stack of paper down, fidgeting on the spot under Emma’s gaze. It was like she never wanted to look away from Emma’s face, but also didn’t feel like she could handle it at the same time.

“I’m sorry for trying to kiss you that morning,” Alyssa said eventually. “There was no good reason for me to, and I shouldn’t have put you in that position.”

Emma’s eyes were dull. “Forgiven.”

“Not where I would have started,” Gwen’s voice drifted through the door. “But okay. Emma, your turn.”

“I’m sorry for freaking out and yelling at you,” Emma said, dropping her gaze to her shoes.

“Forgiven,” Alyssa echoed.

“Is that all?” Gwen sounded exasperated.

“Yes,” Emma said quickly, and Alyssa’s heart sank. Maybe this really was the end of everything.

There was a long silence; long enough that it seemed like Gwen might actually unlock the door after all, and then Emma suddenly clenched her fists and looked up to meet Alyssa’s eyes.

“Actually, no, it’s not,” she said. “Alyssa, I’m sorry I made you cry. I’m sorry that I eavesdropped and didn’t walk away sooner. I’m sorry that I messed up our friendship so badly that you don’t even want to look at me—”

“No, _I’m_ sorry for messing up our friendship,” Alyssa interrupted, taking a tiny step forward. Emma looked surprised, but let Alyssa continue. “I’m sorry for lying to you about Gwen knowing the truth. I’m sorry for that stupid plan to let my mom catch us. I’m sorry for asking you to be my fake girlfriend in the first place because clearly everything got _way_ too out of hand.”

“Why did you?” Emma asked again, in a small voice. “You didn’t… actually answer last time.”

“I…” Alyssa swallowed. “Honestly? I don’t know why I asked you to start with. I kind of expected you to say no, but all I knew was that you seemed kind, and sweet, and like someone I’d… be friends with,” she finished, somewhat lamely.

Emma nodded. “Thanks, I guess.”

There was another long, awkward silence. Alyssa was sure they could both hear Gwen’s pained sigh from the other side of the door. “God, it’s like pulling teeth.”

“I just wish you’d told me about your real feelings sooner,” Emma said with a shrug, and Alyssa’s heart got even heavier. “Things could’ve ended a lot less painfully.”

“For you, maybe,” Alyssa murmured. “No matter when the truth came out, it still would’ve left me… like this.”

“Like what?” Emma asked, like she genuinely didn’t have a clue.

“Emma, I’m fucking miserable without you,” Alyssa said, louder. “I could’ve handled if we’d just stopped pretending to be together, but what I can’t cope with is losing you completely. You’re my best friend in the world.”

“I—”

“I was so scared,” Alyssa said, tears welling in her eyes for what felt like the hundredth time the past few days. “Because I knew you’d hate me after you found out and I just—”

“I don’t hate you,” Emma said, her voice breaking a little. “I could never. I’m just… I guess I wanted to protect myself after I overheard you and Gwen talking, because I thought that if I pushed you away then it would hurt less but… Alyssa, I was so wrong about that. I hate this so much.”

“I know we went straight to being fake girlfriends from practically strangers,” Alyssa said. “But can we please try being friends? I can’t lose you.”

It hurt her to say, because she knew that she would probably never get over her feelings for Emma, but having her in her life as just a friend was infinite times better than not having her in her life at all. So if friends was what it needed to be, then she could do that.

“I can’t lose you either,” Emma choked out, taking a step towards her. “And I—I want you to know that there’s no hard feelings. You’re free to pursue whoever you want now, and I’ll be okay.”

That stopped Alyssa in her tracks. “What?”

“Just… you don’t have to worry about me holding you back anymore,” Emma said, looking like she was trying very hard not to start fully crying. “And you can go be with her.”

“Her?” Alyssa’s brow furrowed. She was completely lost now.

“Whoever it is that you’re in love with,” Emma explained tearfully.

“Whoever—” Alyssa’s brain ground to a halt. Did Emma think… wait, what had she assumed when she’d overheard that conversation? She looked at Emma, who seemed so dejected, and suddenly a few things started to make sense. “Emma, you don’t understand.”

“It’s fine, really,” Emma sniffed, looking down at the floor once again as tears continued to fall. “I’ll get over it.”

“Emma,” Alyssa said, crossing the rest of the distance between them and cupping Emma’s face in her hands, forcing her to look up and meet her gaze. Emma’s watery eyes widened at their proximity.

“Alyssa, what…” she trailed off in a small voice.

Alyssa’s breathing was shallow as she looked into Emma’s eyes. She’d been so stupid; she thought that Emma knew about her feelings, but clearly she’d misinterpreted what she’d heard. Maybe, just maybe, there was still a possibility. Gwen’s words echoed in her head: _There’s really only one way to find out_. She’d chickened out last time, but after the hell of the past four days, she wasn’t about to let another chance pass her by.

“It’s _you_ , okay?” she whispered, not looking away from Emma’s eyes for even a moment. “It’s you I’m in love with.”

Emma’s mouth fell open. “I—what?”

“I was talking to Gwen about how I was in love with you, and how if you found out then you’d never want to speak to me again,” Alyssa explained in a rush, her pulse quickening the more she talked. “Because I thought you’d hate me and think I was a creep because we were meant to be fake dating but I fell in love for real and I was so scared and—”

Emma surged forward, cutting off Alyssa’s rambling with a kiss.

Alyssa made a surprised sound in the back of her throat, her eyes closing on instinct as her brain caught up with reality. Emma was kissing her. Her arms were wrapped around Alyssa’s waist, and she was actually kissing her. There was no audience, no other reason for this kiss. It was one hundred per cent real, and Alyssa kissed her back with her heartbeat thundering in her chest and her hands gentle on Emma’s cheeks.

After a few seconds, Emma pulled back. Alyssa opened her eyes to see Emma’s still closed. There was a tiny smile on her face, and it made Alyssa happier than she could ever have imagined because she had _missed_ that smile.

“Does that mean—” Alyssa cleared her throat because, sure, Emma had kissed her… but she needed to be certain that they were on the same page. “Do you…”

Emma opened her eyes slowly. “I love you.”

And Alyssa couldn’t help it if she started crying in relief at hearing those words fall from Emma’s lips. “You love me?”

“I’m _in_ love with you,” Emma said, more confident this time. She leaned her forehead against Alyssa’s. “I thought you knew.”

“I thought _you_ knew,” Alyssa said. “I thought that was why you freaked out when I tried to kiss you.”

“Oh my God,” Emma said, a groan escaping her. “I’m such an idiot.”

“No more of an idiot than me,” Alyssa reasoned. “I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you and I just went straight for the—”

“Kiss me,” Emma interrupted. “Just… please. I might die if you don’t.”

Not needing to be told twice, Alyssa brought their lips together again in a slow and deliberate kiss – the way she’d wanted to for so long. The way she thought she might never get the chance to for real. Emma melted into it, and Alyssa stroked her thumbs over Emma’s cheekbones, wiping away the tears that had fallen. She could taste the salt from them on Emma’s lips, too, or maybe they were from her own tears. Either way, it felt to Alyssa as if this kiss was physically healing her from the inside out.

Emma pulled her closer by the waist until there was barely any space left between their bodies. Alyssa slid her hands up into Emma’s hair and, just like that, Emma’s lips started pressing more insistently against her own. Feeling her face flushing with warmth, Alyssa parted her lips under Emma’s. She felt Emma’s tongue tease at her bottom lip, and suddenly she needed more.

Pressing forward and walking Emma backward, Alyssa kept going until Emma’s back collided with the wall next to the closet door. Emma let out a surprised noise, muffled by Alyssa’s mouth on hers, but it didn’t seem to be a noise of protest. Alyssa tilted her head to the side, changing the angle of the next kiss and slipping her tongue past Emma’s lips. Emma’s hands tightened at her waist, pinky fingers brushing against the strip of exposed skin between Alyssa’s sweater and her jeans, which made Alyssa shiver.

She was kissing hungrily now, and Emma was matching her with enthusiasm, and Alyssa wondered if maybe this would be how she died. Death by Emma Nolan. It would be a great way to go, she thought idly, as Emma sucked on her bottom lip and drew a moan from her. She tugged slightly on Emma’s hair, which earned her a gentle bite to her lip.

Alyssa pressed the length of her body tightly against Emma’s, delighting in the feeling of the two of them being flush together. Her hands left Emma’s hair to catch hold of Emma’s own, pinning them to the wall on either side of Emma’s head. She laced their fingers together at the same time as she licked into Emma’s mouth, and Emma’s back arched slightly off the wall.

Alyssa broke the kiss with a strangled gasp because _wow_ , and Emma took the opportunity to gain the upper hand. Freeing herself, one of her hands went to the side of Alyssa’s neck, and the other slipped under the bottom of her sweater to rest on the small of her back. Alyssa had barely gotten her breath back when Emma’s head ducked to the side, pressing a kiss just beneath her jawline.

Alyssa’s eyes slipped shut because this was new. For all the kissing and slight touching, Emma had never kissed her neck before. And right now she couldn’t remember why the hell not, because this felt incredible. Emma was growing bolder and bolder with her kisses, dropping them further and further down her neck.

It was when she progressed to leaving open mouthed kisses that Alyssa’s breathing started to become ragged. Emma paused for a brief moment before sucking hard on one particular spot on her neck, and Alyssa’s knees buckled. She gripped onto Emma tightly as a whimper escaped her, tilting her head to give Emma better access to her neck. Emma’s fingers curled around the back of her neck, finally pulling her mouth away and raising her head to meet Alyssa’s eyes.

She could see that Emma’s pupils were blown wide behind the lenses of her glasses, and it made her feel light-headed that she was having this effect on her. Emma smiled at her, breathless and exhilarated, and it just made Alyssa want to kiss her again.

So she did.

Emma was in love with her, she thought, as she captured her lips once more. Never in her wildest dreams did she think that this would be a reality, and yet here she was. Making out with her in a supply closet of all places without a care in the world, on the emotional high of surprisingly requited love.

Alyssa’s hands crept under the hem of Emma’s shirt, her lips curling into a smile as she heard Emma squeak. Slowly, her hands travelled up until they were resting on Emma’s ribcage. She paused there, though, because she was aware that this could be crossing a line that wasn’t ready to be crossed. Even though it had technically already been crossed.

Emma, apparently sensing her hesitancy, grabbed Alyssa’s wrists and encouraged her hands to move higher. Alyssa took the hint, heart thumping wildly as she cupped Emma’s breasts through the fabric of her bra. Emma kissed her fiercely, hands landing low on Alyssa’s hips and pulling her impossibly closer.

Overbalancing slightly from the dizziness she already felt, Alyssa stumbled a little and all of a sudden Emma’s thigh was between her own and _holy shit._ Alyssa made a sound unlike she’d ever made before, not even having time to be embarrassed about it before Emma was pulling back and looking at her with the most awestruck expression on her face that Alyssa had ever seen.

They were both breathing hard, simply staring at each other as they froze in place. The situation started to fully register in Alyssa’s brain, and suddenly all she could think about was having Emma beneath her with as little clothing on as possible. She wanted to see her, and feel her, and now her mind was reminding her of so many things she wanted to do but had never fully let herself think about before.

She was about to make a start on just that when she remembered where they were.

“Wait,” she said, her voice rough.

“What is it?” Emma asked, looking more than a little dazed.

“As much as I love what’s happening here,” Alyssa said. “I think maybe there’s better places we could be doing this, and I just wanted to put that out there before things go any further because I love you and if it’s where this is headed then I really don’t want our first time to be in a closet.”

Emma laughed. “Me neither. And, for the record, I would _really_ like it if that’s where this is headed.”

“Me too,” Alyssa breathed.

She suddenly realized that her hands were still very much under Emma’s shirt, and took a step back. She clasped her hands together, suddenly a little awkward now that words had been brought into the equation again. Emma stared at her, looking more than slightly dishevelled as she leaned against the wall with a somewhat dopey grin on her face.

“I can’t believe this is happening,” she said softly.

“I love you,” Alyssa sighed happily. It was like now that she’d started saying it, she might never stop. She hoped Emma would be okay with that.

Emma bit her bottom lip. “I love you, too.”

Alyssa smiled widely at her. “Do you think we’ll be allowed out of the closet now?”

“I hope so,” Emma said. “Because, um, after that just now… I don’t know how long I can wait.”

“After— _oh_ ,” Alyssa said, raising her eyebrows. Suddenly it was very important that they be let out. She raised her voice. “Gwen? Can you unlock the door now?”

“I promise we talked,” Emma said. “And other stuff.”

There was no answer. Frowning, Alyssa took a step towards the door. “Gwen?”

She tried the handle, surprised to see that it turned easily. She opened the door to the supply closet to find the hallway completely deserted. Alyssa turned back to Emma, who looked just as bewildered as she felt.

“How long has she been gone?” Emma asked.

“I don’t know, but we should really get her a card or something,” Alyssa said, reaching out to intertwine her fingers with Emma’s as she had so many times before, only this time everything had changed. “So. Are we going back to yours?”

“God, yes please,” Emma murmured, leaning in to kiss her before pulling back suddenly. “Wait, no.”

“Okay,” Alyssa said immediately. Maybe Emma had changed her mind. “If you’re not ready for us to—”

“Believe me, Alyssa, I’m ready,” Emma said, sounding a little strangled. “It’s just… this is the one day my roommate is actually in, so…”

“Shit,” Alyssa said. “Okay, then, my room?”

“What about Gwen? She might have gone back there,” Emma reasoned.

“We can ask her to leave, I doubt she’d say no after everything,” Alyssa shrugged. “Besides, she’s offered to go to Jessica’s more than once to give us some _alone time_.”

“Alone time sounds very good right now,” Emma said, nodding her head in agreement.

“Let’s go,” Alyssa said, taking off running and pulling Emma along by the hand.

Emma laughed as Alyssa dragged her down the hallway. Her hand was warm in Alyssa’s all the way across campus as they made a beeline for the dorm building, and Alyssa found herself not giving a single shit about the strange looks they were getting from the people around them. It was college – they’d probably seen stranger.

It felt like an eternity to Alyssa before they reached her room. She unlocked the door at the third attempt, Emma’s free hand on her hip from behind not helping at all with her concentration, and pulled Emma into the room.

Sure enough, Gwen was lounging on her bed with a book in her hands. She looked up at them with a shit-eating grin on her face when she noticed their joined hands and generally unkempt state.

“Good talk?” she asked innocently.

“Really good talk,” Alyssa said quickly. “You need to leave now and not come back until tomorrow.”

Gwen raised an eyebrow. “And why is that?”

“Because otherwise you’re gonna see some stuff,” Alyssa said impatiently, knowing that Gwen was just messing with her.

Sure enough, her roommate laughed as she closed her book. She stood up and picked up what appeared to be a pre-packed backpack. “Jessica’s expecting me.”

“Thank you, Gwen,” Emma said. “For everything.”

“Name your firstborn after me, and we’ll call it even,” Gwen said, making her way to the door and opening it. “Oh, remember to use protection, kids. And make sure you go to the bathroom after; believe me, the last thing you want is a—”

Alyssa slammed the door unceremoniously in her face.

She turned back to face Emma, who was barely holding in her laughter. Emma looked up at her through her lashes, always so unintentionally attractive. “So, where were we?”

A smile broke out on Alyssa’s face as she kicked her shoes off, closed the distance between them and kissed Emma again. It had been less than ten minutes since they’d last kissed, but it felt like ten years had passed since their make out session in the supply closet. Alyssa grabbed Emma’s jacket and pushed it off of her shoulders, dropping the garment to the floor as heat started to flood through her body.

Emma giggled against her lips, trying to pull Alyssa’s sweater up and off but catching Alyssa’s shirt with it. Alyssa didn’t care, helping Emma remove both items of clothing at once and then she was standing there in her bra and watching as Emma’s expression turned hungry.

“Oh my God,” Emma whispered.

She removed her own shoes as Alyssa started working on the buttons of her shirt. It was fiddly work, but somehow she didn’t think Emma would thank her for giving up and just ripping it open. Before long, Emma’s shirt was off and thrown somewhere in the room and Alyssa was allowing herself to stare.

Last time Emma had been shirtless, back in Indiana, Alyssa hadn’t let herself look at her body like this. It had felt wrong somehow. But now, she took in the sight with no guilt – or at least she did until Emma pulled her into another deep kiss. Alyssa’s hands roamed freely, as did Emma’s, and she felt like she was on fire.

Emma started walking backwards, or maybe Alyssa was pushing her, but then they were toppling onto Alyssa’s bed and it was all feeling very real. Alyssa repositioned herself so she was kneeling on the bed, Emma on her back in front of her. Alyssa swallowed, her hands going oh-so slowly to the button of Emma’s jeans. Emma’s breath caught in her throat, and she looked up to meet Alyssa’s eyes.

“Can I?” Alyssa asked breathlessly.

Emma smiled, a little nervous, but happier than Alyssa had ever seen her. “Yes.”

 

Alyssa gazed at the picture she had taken of the two of them, first thing in the morning. In it, Emma was still asleep, head resting on Alyssa’s shoulder. Alyssa was looking at the camera with a sleepy smile on her face. The comforter covered them up well enough, but there was no mistaking the fact that this was ostensibly a morning after picture.

Emma laughed when she saw the picture, suggesting that Alyssa should post it online to really make a statement. They’d tiredly discussed last night whether to come clean that their relationship had started out as a lie or not, but had decided against it for now.

“Relationship?” Alyssa asked quietly, looking over at the girl lying next to her in the soft yellow light.

Emma blushed. “Well, I was hoping… Alyssa, will you be my not-fake girlfriend?”

“Yes,” Alyssa said with an excited squeal, momentarily discarding her phone so that she could kiss Emma.

Emma’s hand trailed down her side, raising goosebumps on her bare skin in its wake, and Alyssa gasped against her lips as her mind blanked on pretty much anything she’d been planning on saying or doing for the rest of the day.

“Wait, I was gonna ask you that,” Alyssa mumbled, when she pulled back a fraction of an inch.

“You snooze, you lose,” Emma said.

“I think you’ll find you were the one snoozing in that picture,” Alyssa pointed out with a quiet giggle, and Emma sighed contentedly.

“Must’ve been worn out,” she said idly.

Alyssa poked her stomach under the covers. “Do you want me to put that as the caption?”

“I think, as much as she’s come on lately, that might actually give your mother an aneurysm,” Emma said.

“True,” Alyssa mused. She thought for a few moments before picking up her phone and typing something out. She tilted the phone screen so that Emma could see it. “What do you think?”

“It’s perfect,” Emma said quietly, waiting for Alyssa to post it before pulling her close once more.

Alyssa melted into her girlfriend’s body, surprised at how awake she now felt. She didn’t think she’d ever been this happy in her life, and she knew in her heart that – for the rest of her life – she wanted to wake up exactly like this.

 

 **alyssa_greene** When you know, you know. “My love, I’m in love with you.”

tagged: **emma.nolan**

liked by **gwenisbetterthanyou** ,  **kayleeklein** , **shelbi** and 139 others.

 **gwenisbetterthanyou** listen all i’m saying is that if i’m not the best woman at your wedding then i’m suing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so so so much to everyone who has read, left kudos, bookmarked, and commented on this fic. the amount of comments in particular has completely taken me by surprise in the best way possible and i just want to say another huge thank you because your yelling has made me so motivated throughout the whole process of this fic.
> 
> big shout out to the prom discord for constantly keeping me inspired. chris there was a line in this last chapter just for you i hope you're happy.
> 
> let me know if you liked the ending, and stay tuned for hopefully more greenelan fics coming your way in the near future!

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! feel free to leave a comment and let me know what you think - reading comments is how i get my seratonin kicks nowadays!
> 
> my tumblr is ilovemyships, in case you want to come yell with/at me there :)


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